Saturday, July 18, 2015

Getting Your Mojo Back: Excerpt from The Ultimate Guide to Sex after 50

Getting Your Mojo Back

Excerpt from 
by Joan Price  

I used to be eager for sex, easily aroused. My desire dipped after menopause and now barely exists. I can go weeks or more without desiring sex or thinking much about it. The funny thing is, if I get started, I like it, but it’s so hard to get in the mood. 

 The number one sex problem that I hear from women is the lack of desire for sex. They do still enjoy sex once they get started, they tell me, but they’re seldom in the mood ahead of time. It isn’t just a problem for women—many men also report decreased desire—but for women, it’s the primary complaint. The problem is that if we wait for the mood and don’t make sexual pleasure a priority, we’ll rarely have sex.

There are lots of reasons that you may be feeling decreased desire, but let’s cut to a solution that works first, and figure out the reasons afterward:

 Instead of waiting for the mood, start getting yourself sexually aroused—on your own, with a partner, or with a vibrator. Just do it. The physiological arousal will trigger the emotional desire.

That’s the opposite of the way it used to work! When we were younger, our hormone-induced sex drive bombarded our brain and body with desire—especially during our most fertile times. This was simple biology. A glance, a thought, a murmur, a fantasy, or a touch sparked the mood. Once in the mood, we opened ourselves to the pleasures of physiological arousal. We got turned on, our arousal built, and we crashed joyously into orgasm.

 But now, this all works the other way around. Instead of waiting forever for the mood to strike, we can induce the mood by letting ourselves get physiologically aroused as the first step. Arousal will lead to mood and desire, instead of vice versa. Here are your new mantras:

  • Desire follows action. 
  • Use it, don’t lose it. 
  • Just do it. 

“You may have just saved my marriage,” a woman told me after I gave this suggestion at a presentation. Try it—you may feel the same!

 What to Do Instead of Waiting to Be in the Mood 

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to approach our sexuality in this new way: Relax, start getting physically aroused, emotional arousal will happen, and voila, we’ll be in the mood. So the key is to commit to regular sexual pleasure, partnered or solo. How does this translate to real life? Here are some tips:

  • Schedule sex dates with your partner and/or with yourself at least weekly, more is even better. 
  • Exercise before sex for faster arousal and easier orgasms.
  • Create rituals with your partner that signal sex would be welcome. 
  • Allow plenty of arousal time -- no rushing, no goals except pleasure. 
  • Make sexual arousal and orgasm a habit, whether you're partnered or on your own. 
Make sexual pleasure a habit. Give yourself sexual pleasure frequently, and you'll find that you'll become aroused more easily and enjoy sex more! 

Learn more about 

Order here for an autographed copy, purchase from your local independent bookstore, or order from Amazon.

Tuesday, July 07, 2015

Best Sex Writing of the Year 2015 review

I love the Best Sex Writing series from Cleis Press. I've been a loyal reader since the first edition in 2005. I collect them, give them as gifts, read them cover to cover. This year's edition (titled inexplicably "Best Sex Writing of the Year, volume 1" instead of "2015"), edited by Jon Pressick, has the breadth and quality I've come to expect.

Realize that this series isn't erotica (although Cleis is known for erotica) -- it's a collection of non-fiction essays about all colors and stripes of sex-themed topics. Some of the essays are intensely personal (e.g. my own contribution, "Sharing Body Heat"), some are commentary on sexual issues in the news, some are sex-nerdy opinions, many open windows to sexual practices and worlds that might be new to you.

The best way to convey the range of topics and writers is to share the chapter titles with quotes from a few of them:

  • Foreword • Belle Knox
  • Captain Save-A-Ho • Fiona Helmsley
  • How a Former Porn Star’s Sex Tape Helped Him Reclaim His Sex Life • Christopher Zeischegg aka Danny Wylde: "I'd done it a thousand times with people I'd barely met, and in the most stressful environments. Yet, I couldn't get my cock hard while in bed with the girl I loved."
  • What Should We Call Sex Toys? • Epiphora: "I own over five hundred dildos, vibrators, and anal toys, which I routinely hold against my vulva (not my 'lady bits'), stick in my vagina (not my 'vajayjay'), press against my clitoris (not my 'love button') and push up my butt (not my 'backdoor')."
  • We Need a New Orientation to Sex • Cory Silverberg
  • I Am the Blogger Who Allegedly “Complicated” the Stuebenville Gang Rape Case—And I Wouldn’t Change a Thing • Alexandria Goddard
  • Porn Director: I Changed My Mind about Condoms • Nica Noelle
  • Pregger Libido • Ember Swift
  • The White Kind of Body • Alok Vaid-Menon
  • Sex, Lies and Public Education • Lynn Comella
  • Sharing Body Heat • Joan Price
  • Being a Real-Life Accomplice • Cameryn Moore
  • Oops, I Slept with Your Boyfriend • Charlie Nox
  • Pump Dreams • Mitch Kellaway: "I don't have a clitoris. Or, rather, I used to have one. But since starting my gender transition a year ago, my relationship to it has become quite complex."
  • Prostitution Law and the Death of Whores • Laura Agustín
  • Fisting Day • Jiz Lee: "What I love about fisting someone vaginally is feeling them take me in. There's a moment where the person just opens up to you. Once inside, they're so warm, wet, and every little movement you make can be felt."
  • Tell Me You Want Me. • Mollena Williams: "What about submitting, what about service, what about taking a thorough flogging, what about menial chores, what about being useful, is sexy? Why is it eroticized? What makes it hot? In a word? Passion."
  • The Gates • Tina Horn
  • The Choice of Motherhood and Insidious Drugstore Signage • Stoya
  • Kinky, Sober and Free: BDSM in Recovery • Rachel Kramer Bussel: "Can you be clean and sober and still engage kinkily?"
  • Crazy Trans Woman Syndrome • Morgan M. Page
  • Let’s Talk about Interracial Porn • Jarrett Neal
  • When I Was a Birthday Present for an Eighty-Two-Year-Old Grandmother • David Henry Sterry [see below]
  • What an Armpit Model Taught Me about Sexual Language • Jon Pressick
  • Growing Through the Yuck • Ashley Manta
  • I Was a Teenage Porn Model • Lux Alptraum
  • Disability and Sex • Jason Armstrong
  • Fumbling Towards Humanity: How “Trans Grrrls” Helped Me Open Up to My Partner • Amy Dentata
  • In Defense of Celibacy • Lauren Marie Fleming aka Queerie Bradshaw: "There are times in your life when a quick fuck can be beneficial, but sometimes all sex does is add to the confusion that is life. Sex with others muddies the emotional waters; take sex away and there's a better chance of finding clarity within yourself."
  • No Restrictions • Dee Dee Behind: "My very first session with a client with severe disabilities was while I was working as a professional dominatrix on the third floor of a dungeon in an elevator-less building."

Jon Pressick
Who could resist a book with this range of topics from such a variety of writers, sex educators, performers, sex workers, and other juicy, sex-positive activists? As Pressick puts it,

Some of the topics you will read about here are very specific while others speak to all of us. Bringing them together is an attempt to throw open those doors. Pull the thoughts out from under the mattresses. Talk about sex in meaningful, thoughtful and creative ways.

David Sterry
One of my favorite essays -- you might guess this! -- was "When I Was a Birthday Present for an Eighty-Two-Year-Old Grandmother." Author David Sterry was 17 when he was hired as a sexy birthday gift for a woman who was 65 years his senior. Although he told his employer yes, his brain was imagining "an ancient naked wrinkled saggy droopy granny spread-eagled in front of me and my poor placid flaccid penis ...a lifeless piece of useless meat... What if she wants to do some weird old person sex thing I don't know about?" The experience, of course, was nothing like his nightmare-fantasy, but I don't want to reveal more and ruin the surprise.

I consider myself a sex geek. I'm interested in all things sexual. Whether or not I'm personally interested in exploring a particular behavior, belief, or milieu, my mind wants to take it all in. This book really satisfied my sex geekery. Thank you, Jon, contributors, and Cleis Press.

Order Best Sex Writing from your local independent bookstore or at this Amazon link.

Monday, July 06, 2015

Blogging about Senior Sex since 2005!

Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight talk about sex after sixtyI've been blogging about senior sex since October 2005, when the topic was rarely discussed or written. My first senior sex book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty, was about to be published. I don't remember why I started a senior sex blog except that no one else was writing one.

My first post was read by 30 people.  Ouch, my first two months of posts averaged 22 readers each. It was a lonely endeavor.

But I stuck with it, learned what you wanted to read about and how to reach you, and, thank you, you started following this blog to get news and views about older-age sexuality. Now it's not rare that a post gets thousands of readers, occasionally 10,000 to 40,000. These days, you come here most often to read my sex toy reviews and to find information about concerns such as erectile problems, vaginal pain and how to enhance sexual pleasure.

I'm amused that the most-read post (48,000 readers) was titled "Looking for 'Granny Sex'?"  -- when the whole point of that 2007 post was asking why so many people used "granny sex" as the search term that led them to my blog! Now that there's so much "granny porn" advertised, searchers of "granny sex" no longer land on my blog. I suppose that's a good thing.

Ultimate Guide to Sex After 50Buy nowOver the ten years since starting this blog, I've written two more senior sex self-help guides and edited an anthology of senior erotica. Learn more here.

I no longer feel like a solitary voice. Other writers, speakers, and organizations have joined me in spreading the word that older-age sexuality can be a source of lifelong pleasure. We're now a movement.

Thank you all for following this blog and continuing to support my mission. Do you remember how you first found this blog, what you were hoping to find, or what captured your interest? I'd love to know. Please comment.