Saturday, June 23, 2012

X1 Orgasmatron review: If a jackhammer is sexy

When "Dr. X. Treme" offered to send me the X1 Orgasmatron for review, I jumped at the chance.

It's a funny looking contraption -- one of my Naked at Our Age Facebook followers asked if I got it from Woody Allen when I posted a photo.

The actual machine resembles a black plastic light bulb, over which you fit a bubblegum pink dildo. The light bulb has one cord, but you have two more cords to attach before you can plug it into a wall socket.

Yes, three cords, total. Once you're all plugged in, so to speak, you dial up the intensity you want, and supposedly get a physics-law abiding orgasm.  According to the inventor's website,

This vibrator's design is based on an understanding of the applied physics of sex machines... Most vibrating machines only move a tiny patch of skin on the tip of the clitoris. While this part of the body is incredibly sensitive, the clitoris is like an iceberg. A vast structure of nerves exist beneath the surface of the skin that are not stimulated by a typical small-mass vibrator.

I'm sorry, I really wanted to like the X1 Orgasmatron. But it didn't work that way for me. If my clitoris was an "iceberg," the X1 Orgasmatron was a giant jackhammer battering away at it--and at my hand which was trying to hold it. I don't usually post videos when I do reviews, but I thought you needed to see this guy in action:

I have no idea how it might have worked as a dildo, because at 1.9 inches in diameter, it was much too girthy for me. Dr. X. Treme assured me, 

The "dildo" can also act as a mechanical finger on the outside of the clit, and that is how some users exclusively use it, as well as turning the whole human hand into a vibrator. 

 So that's what I tried to do.

Unfortunately, it was uncomfortable to hold, the "fingertip" was very hard (consider a softer, slightly squishy attachment, Dr. X.), and the combination of the noise, the silliness of having three cords to contend with, and needing to use both hands just to keep it from escaping as it clattered about made the experience too unsexy to continue.

Yes, I tried dialing down the intensity, but then it was just one more toy that didn't deliver. I wanted the intensity -- but not in the style of a silicone jackhammer.

Did you notice that the slogan of XTreme Orgasmatronics is "Less pants, more science." What did you make of that? I had to ask Dr. X. Treme, "I don’t understand 'less pants' – do you mean fewer trousers, or less heavy breathing?"

He replied, "The idea of the tag line is that when one applies physics to sex toy design it's still real science but trousers are no longer needed in order to go to work." Oh.... May I respectfully suggest that Dr. X. rethink this tag line? One more thing to rethink: the X1 Orgasmatron retails for $180.

If a sex toy doesn't work for me, I try to figure out who would like it. After all, I'm just one person with particular tastes, and just because I'm ready to pull out all three cords doesn't mean you won't love it. If my jackhammer analogy made you squirm with delight rather than recoil, you'd probably have fun with this. Whether you'd have $180 worth of fun, I can't say.


  1. Much as expected. Three wires? That's...excessive. I can't imagine enjoying jack hammering, let alone paying that price tag for it!

  2. AnonymousJune 23, 2012

    maybe this sex toy didn't come from Woody Allen, but it's straight out of a Woody Allen film... absolutely hilarious!

  3. that thing scares me a little.

  4. AnonymousJune 24, 2012

    One of my readers asked me if I had found this "amazing device." I had never heard of this until y'all started talking about it on the co-op. Thank you so much for posting your review! I'll have to send my reader here to see if she still thinks it's so amazing lol

  5. I don't think so! Of course it wasn't designed for me, a man, but frankly, I don't think it was designed at all.

    Can't imagine using that thing. If I was a woman and wanted a lot of vibration, a Wahl type vibrator would do fine. Otherwise, one can buy special fingers for the Magic Wand. In fact I could go to Pleasures of the Heart or Good Vibrations and find many better options.

    And the price. Even the basic Eroscalator is only $140.

  6. I'm gonna have nightmares after seeing that video. That's worse than the Rock Box, and I didn't think it could get worse than the Rock Box.

  7. This is indeed a scary jackhammer.. I can't imagine how would I be, after I used this one.. the hammering will totally be exhausting!

  8. Send it to me!! I've been lusting after this AND I am brave!!! :)

  9. I've emailed you, Joyce!

  10. Wife and I would like to try, but the price is crazy. Too expensive to buy site unseen. Maybe he can send us one to try.

  11. D&D - No, you can't return a used sex toy if you don't like it. Sorry I already gave mine away, or I'd be happy to let you have it.


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