Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Older Women, Younger Men: Let's hear from the women, too

My most popular posts are the older women/younger men topics -- most viewed, most comments and emails, and most frequently searched with phrases like "older woman young man sex" and "granny sex" (which I understand is not a pejorative term in other English-speaking countries, so I'll get used to it!). Yet the comments and emails I receive are almost all from the younger men, not the older women who are involved with them. I'd love to hear from the women, too, about your experiences, your feelings at the time, and your perspective now. You can either comment here or email me with permission to post your comment.

Let me assure the women and men who write me that any identifying information will remain confidential, and of course you can comment directly anonymously or with a pseudonym.

Yes, I get requests from younger men begging me to hook them up with older women, but I don't/won't get into that. There are websites that specialize in older women/younger men, and I'd love to know which ones, if any, you've viewed and found dignified and not in any way predatory.

I'll be including this topic in my new book. I'm still accepting interviews, so please contact me if you're interested in receiving my questionnaire.

Personally, I used to date younger men almost exclusively right up until the time I met Robert when I was 57 and he was 64. (At 64 and 71, we just celebrated our second wedding anniversary!) Until Robert, I found younger men more open-minded and energetic, less set in their ways, and more appreciative of what an older woman had to offer. But this all got blown away when I fell in love with Robert and discovered the man I'd been looking for my whole life. An older man can offer all those qualities I used to seek in younger men, yet with the wisdom of experience and relationship skills.

This makes me think that a long life being single before settling down might be just right to let us experience the qualities of youth, the qualities of age, and any mixture that might entice us!

I'd love to hear from you!

Monday, May 26, 2008

Dr. Romance: "Joan Price's book tells it like it is"

Many thanks to Dr. Romance -- Tina Tessina, Ph.D. -- for her review of my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty. Tessina, Redbook's "Love Expert," is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California, with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 11 books. Here's what she said:

This book was better than I ever expected. It's a wonderful balance of memoir, others' personal reflections, and fact. A very enjoyable, well-written, and useful read, especially encouraging and supportive for older women.

We live in a youth-obsessed culture, and too many people are afraid of growing older. Joan Price's book tells it like it is -- sex can be great after sixty, long-term relationships are worth keeping, and even senior dating can be great! This book looks at real life as we age, and sex as a reality of senior relationships. With lively interviews, expert commentary and lots of valuable information, it's a must read for anyone who is getting older -- and none of us is getting younger! Younger women will enjoy knowing that the future is positive. I will be recommending it to clients.

Tina Tessina's latest book is Money, Sex and Kids, a guide for handling marital conflict and arguments over these hot-button issues.

Friday, May 23, 2008

The Best Kind of "Family Values"

I'm proud of the California Supreme Court for overturning the ban on gay marriages on May 15, 2008. It's about time. When I see the images of committed couples -- especially older couples -- hugging and crying because they finally will have the rights the rest of us have had all along, I want to sing, cheer, yell, and dance my support.

Look, for example, at Del Martin, 83, and Phyllis Lyon, 79, who had been together for 51 years when they were married in San Francisco on Feb. 12, 2004, a marriage later declared invalid. Now they can remarry. So can Ellen Pontac and Shelly Bailes, who have been together for 34 years, and Mason Bowling, 61, and Patrick Fitzgerald, 58, together 30 years.

This is, finally, true separation of church and state. Religions are still free to take whatever stand they wish. According to the ruling, "no religion will be required to change its religious policies or practices with regard to same-sex couples, and no religious officiant will be required to solemnize a marriage in contravention of his or her religious beliefs." This is a civil matter. A matter of civil rights.

Two people fall in love, create a life together, stay in love, perhaps raise family together, and get old still loving each other. This, to me, is "family values" at its best.

I would love to hear from gay and lesbian couples over 50 who would like to share their stories and their comments. Please either post comments here or email me if you prefer.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Love After 80

Love isn't blind after eighty! I enjoyed this story which appeared in Chris Smith's column in the Santa Rosa (California) Press Democrat. I've reprinted it with his permission:

MAKING EYES: It began with small talk between two widowed strangers earlier this spring in the optical department at Kaiser. Dewey Logan, 83, and Sylvia Wyatt, 85, struck up a conversation while sitting side by side and waiting for their new specs. Then Dewey summoned the nerve to ask Sylvia for her phone number. Today they're back home in Santa Rosa after a honeymoon in Reno.

-- Chris Smith

People ask me all the time how to "meet someone." I always tell them, "Do what you love doing on your own, and you'll meet people who love the same activities." I met my wonderful Robert at my own line dancing class!

Increasingly, though, I hear stories like the one above, or like the woman who wrote in about meeting her soulmate while waiting to have her blood pressure taken. You never know where you might encounter that person who will put a spring in your step and a zing in your heart!

Do you have an unusual story about how you met your special someone? Please comment!

Younger Men Who Desire Older Women

5/15/2008 update: I'm pulling this post up to the top again because of the intriguing comments that continue to come in. For example, be sure to read Mark's second comment, where he says,

In every experience I have had, even those in which it was clear the woman was looking for little more than a boy toy, I always felt valued and well treated. I'm not sure that is always (or even usually) the case when a younger woman gets involved with an older man. Mature women, on the other hand, generally seem to take better care of everyone and everything around them, even their toys. It just seems to be part of their nature. Any thoughtfulness, respect and consideration that's directed at them is responded to in kind.

I never thought of it this way, Mark. It's true that when I was involved several times with much younger men as an older woman, I treated them with great affection and respect, and they treated me the same (except when they didn't, but those are stories that belong somewhere else). I never, never saw them as "toys," though I know some women do, but as wonderful human beings with whom it was my joy to share sensuality and intimacy.

Mark, I've discovered, has a blog of his own here celebrating his relationships with older women.

Readers, if the comments don't automatically display for you below this post, click "comments" and you'll see them. And I hope you'll post your own!

4/23/08 update: Since the January 2008 post reprinted below, I've continued to receive comments and emails from men who love older women. A few ask me to act as a matchmaker for hookups (sorry, that's not my job, but I wish you luck), but most of the men who write earnestly wish to communicate how sexy they find older women. For example, Derek sent me this recent email:

I read your posts on older women/younger men, and granny sex, with great interest and wanted to commend you on them. I'm in my mid-thirties and for many years have been attracted to women much older than me. While I've had great relationships with women my age and younger, the most satisfying relationships have been with women many years my senior. I find the combination of worldliness, wisdom, sexual experience and a lush, mature body completely irresistable. I've been with a number of women in their 60s, some of whom have been older than my mother and/or have children older than me. My lover of several years is in her late 60s, and we continue to enjoy a wonderful relationship that, in addition to friendship and mutual support, includes regular 4-hour lovemaking sessions, fantasy weekends away, and the most potent physical chemistry I've known. It's heavenly. Also, as you seem to be noticing this type of relationship, while very alternative, is being enjoyed by a LOT of people. I hope you give this topic more coverage on your blog.

My original January 2008 post follows here:

The questions and comments from young men who desire older women keep coming. They crave older women. They revere older women. And yes, they find older women incredibly sexy.

I’m not talking about age differences of five or ten years – I mean decades. Here are some samples from my email and from comments on my other blog posts:

· I am 19 years old and love older women. They are much sexier than anything else I can imagine. It’s the feeling of that they have so much to teach you sexually. I have had sex with an older woman and would do it again in a heartbeat.

· I'm male, 27, and just this Christmas had a brief encounter with a mature woman. It was wonderful. We met via internet dating, a good way to meet like-minded people, and she actually approached me first. It just so happens I like older women and she likes men around my age. We had an amazing day and later on she joined me at a hotel. It was like a fantasy come true. Amazing company, amazing sex too and a really warm and loving woman. She will turn 43 this month, and my goodness what a connection we had that day.

· I am 26 and have no problem getting dates with women my age. I'm a young professional and have confidence in my abilities with women my age. However, I am incredibly attracted to older women. I find such beauty in maturity. I work in a professional environment where I am around professional older women all the time. I can't help but fantasize about them. There is something about a woman who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature that drives me wild. Is this wrong? And if it's not, do older women even take men my age seriously?

· I wish I could find an older woman who doesn't say I am too young to have sex with her. I am 21 by the way.

· I am a 49-year-old single man, and I have always been fond of sex with older ladies. In all honesty they drive me wild. I have no interest in any ladies younger than me. Presently have a few senior neighbours.... jeez I only wish.

Some of the younger man who write tell me that their first sexual experience was with a much older woman, and they still treasure the experience:

· I lost my virginity to a woman who was 59 and it was brilliant. She was old enough to be my grandmother and I had known her since I was 5 or 6. I know many people will read this and think that I am making this up but I’m truly not. I loved having sex with her.

· I have always been attracted to older women. I had short relationships with a 60-something-year-old woman when I was 15; a 40-ish woman when I was19; and a woman in her late 30's when I was 21. For me it was a way to have sex, enjoy sex, learn about sex, and experience the whole thing in a sincere, loving way, in a stress-free atmosphere. It was so nice to make love to someone who was calm, enjoyed the experience and could be trusted. A bonus for me was that my older lovers expressed being flattered at being desired by an attractive young man. It felt great to be in this princely or studly role. I’m now 50 and have been married 27 years to my best friend. I find her even more attractive as she gets older, and she likes this.

· I'm 18. I just recently completed a life-long dream of having an older woman take my virginity and teaching me the ways. The only thing is it was a one-time deal but now I'm hooked on older women. I love their maturity and knowledge.

I often hear from single women who complain that men their age are seeking younger women and don’t seem to value what an older woman brings to a relationship, both in and out of bed. These comments from young men show an interesting flip of the coin, don’t you think? Of course I’m not recommending staking out the local teen center to get a date, but don’t rule out mature young men who express interest in you, if you feel interest and attraction, also.

I’m posting these comments today to invite more discussion from young men in this situation, older men remembering these experiences, and from women of all ages. I look forward to reading your thoughts.

(Note: On other blog posts on this subject , I discussed some of the questions these young men have, such as how to meet older women, talk to them, and read their signals.)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation

Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation, by Jamye Waxman (Seal Press, 2007), is a jaunty, woman-to-woman guide to everything you need to know about how to "fiddle, twiddle, tug, rub, flick, circle, tap, and tease" -- in other words, have "sex with the one person you have to love your whole life."

Although much of the book reads like an instruction manual for young women just discovering how to pleasure themselves to orgasm, there is much of value for those of us who have been acquainted with our own hot spots for longer than the author has been alive. The illustrations by Molly Crabapple and Waxman's explanations of different techniques and toys, for example, may lead even seasoned solo sex practioners to experiment with new options.

You'll be the life of the party if you recount the history of vibrators (doctors invented them to help "cure" women of "hysteria") or the ways parents used to be instructed to stop their children from -- e.g. "Limit the amount of fluids children ingest. Urination draws too much blood -- and awareness -- to the genitals." Certainly heed the advice about choosing safe sex toys and keeping them that way, and peruse the marvelous list of sex-positive websites. A good read, with plenty of enticing ideas and tips for enjoying sexy self-love!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

America Unzipped: Brian Alexander pulls off the covers

Brian Alexander's America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction (Harmony, 2008), is one of the most informative and entertaining books about sex that I've had the pleasure of reading. Alexander, MSNBC.com's "Sexploration" columnist, set out on a journey to explore the sexual mores and activities of middle America. Do "normal" Americans behave conservatively in the bedroom, or do they indulge in wild sexual expressions -- even activities their neighbors and pastors might brand as "deviant" or "perverted"?

Alexander frequented sex parties, worked in a sex shop, explored kink, interviewed porn producers and actresses, attended rope bondage and fire play seminars, and thoroughly immersed himself in the world of non-vanilla sex (while still keeping his clothes on and his marriage vows intact). The result is a book filled with descriptions of the erotic lifestyles of people who might be your nurse, your librarian, a singer in your church choir, or your grandkid's teacher.

And yes, the people enjoying kinky sex aren't just the young ones. Alexander doesn't make a big deal of it when a person he interviews or observes is silver-haired, and that's one of the pleasures of this book -- Boomers and elders who are enthusiastic about sex in any or all of its variations are mingled with all the other sex-positive folks. Kitty, age 50+, poses with her nightie on, then off, her behind to the camera, and posts her photos to a Web site. Don, 49, describes his "magnificent eruptions of bodily fluids" in chat rooms. Debra and Craig, 56, are unmarried swingers "reinventing ourselves" after their divorces. A man and woman, about 70, study elaborate rope-tying techniques at a seminar at the Hyatt. An elderly woman looks through her reading glasses as she uses a kitchen whisk to transmit electricity from a violet wand over the body of her husband. "Then she shocks the bald spot on the back of his head with the attentiveness of a grandmother knitting."

Personally, I have vanilla and monogamous taste in sex these days (I got what I needed from earlier experimentation), but I support everyone's right to do whatever they please with other consenting adults. And, I must admit, I find it fun to read about! I did feel a bit queasy at times: Goddess Heather (a bulked-up female bodybuilder dominatrix) "has a junkyard hanging from her cooter. Every one of her fifteen labia piercings holds a chain that reaches the floor, or an old, heavy lock." A woman (willingly) cowers in a cage at a fetish party. And all that violet wand shocking stuff was, well, shocking. But one of the wonderful things about books and imagination is that we can take magic trips into other people's experiences and emerge understanding more about the complexity of passion.

The Internet has done a lot to normalize sexual behavior previously thought of as weird or perverse, Alexander points out, whether it's watching or acting in porn online, hooking up with like-minded folks for fetish parties, discovering where you can buy rubberwear, or whatever you might be seeking.

That leads me to wonder, has the Internet freed you to explore some erotic attraction? What have you done, or considered doing, that wouldn't have been possible before we all had computers and online access? I invite your comments!