Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Older Woman, Younger Men

Recently Judy, age 62, who attended my Ask Me, I'll Tell You workshop, emailed me a description of her special "niche of passion:"

Here's what Judy has to say:

I'm interested in the special challenges of over 60 women with under 25 men. This has been my preference for many years.

Contrary to expectations there seems to be a wealth of available men for me. Perhaps it is the "sex only for the pure joy of it" idea; I have offers pretty much daily.

I don't pay but treat the young men with respect and a great deal of motherly (grandmotherly!) concern. Our relationships have lots of laughs and energy. ever see the movie Harold and Maude?

Currently I live with 4 young men under 25. All are affectionate, and watch each other to see if I have a favorite. (I tell them I love them all equally.)

Then there are numerous lovers from outside the house who visit. This is as close to heaven as I can get. It would be fun to meet another grandma who has found this niche of passion.

Are there other women out there who love men much younger? Share your stories, please!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

How did you learn about sex?

How did you learn about sex, and how did your early sex education affect your enjoyment of sexuality later on? Please post your comments.

Here's my story from "My Sex Education," Chapter 3 of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty:

It was 1955, and I was twelve, with budding breasts, when my father--an obstetrician/ gynecologist--sat me down and handed me a pamphlet about the "facts of life." The language was vague, with references to pistils and stamens, very little about penises or vaginas, and certainly no reference to the clitoris. The only fully developed information was about how the egg in the woman was fertilized by the sperm from the man, leading to pregnancy. My father sat quietly as I, embarrassed and confused, read the pamphlet.

"Do you have any questions?" he asked when I finished.
"No," I lied.

I did have one burning question, which I asked my best friend: "How does the sperm get from the man to the woman?" That itty bitty fact was nowhere in the pamphlet.

My friend, oh so much wiser, told me, "He puts it in her."

Not only was "how" omitted from my introduction to sexual information, but also "why." Over the next few years, I was taught what not to do (sex or anything that could lead to it) and what awful things could happen--after all, my father saw lives ruined by teenage pregnancy. I was never taught why people want to have sex and how fulfilling it can be.

I was totally unprepared for the excitement and delicious pleasure of my urges a few years later.

Here's what a few of the Sexually Seasoned Women I interviewed said about their Early Sex Ed and Experiences:

I was reared in a home where one did not talk about sex. When I first had sex at nineteen I felt guilty because I was raised to believe it was something for married people. However, my guilt did not stop me. I justified it by becoming engaged. (Melanie, 64)

In the 1950s, when I was a teenager, few of us had intercourse due to fear of pregnancy as well as the taboos placed on extra-marital sex by society. However, I loved "heavy petting" and had terrific orgasms with digital stimulation and squeezing on men's thighs--or on horse back or fence railings! (Phoebe, 64)

I came out when I was twelve years old. I was oppressed by the times and I came from a violent family. I created my own little private world where masturbating was a way I'd feel comforted. I had my first sexual experience at fourteen with an older woman, twenty-one. I felt that was going to be my life, that I would be a sexual person. (Claire, 66)

I was brought up in a rural area in the 1950s, when sex was supposed to be forbidden, but several girls in my (very small) high school became pregnant. Then I had an affair with a married neighbor from age sixteen to twenty, and sex became a major focus, although I still excelled in school and got scholarships to college. I am very satisfied now, and no longer searching as I was. (Tina, 61)

When I was young, I was very affected by the abuse I suffered as a child. I hadn't coped with the molestation even though I had a very active sex life. I was always fearful and held back. I grew up without boundaries. You don't know your own body. It belongs to someone else. I was always so confused about sex. (Monica, 60)

I was raised in a very repressive environment. Everything about sex was labeled bad and forbidden. French kissing was a sin, kissing over ten seconds was a sin, masturbating was a sin. Birth control was also a sin, and so I became pregnant after my second sexual encounter. (Susie 60)

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Attention Single Seniors

Are you a senior who has divorced or lost a spouse or partner? Are you dating or considering dating? If you want to dip your toes in the waters of senior dating, but you're frightened because you don't know what scary stuff might be in those waters, I'd love to hear from you.

What will go into your decision whether or not to have sex with a new person? What will you do about protection against sexually transmitted diseases (STDs/HIV)? How will you talk to your new partner or potential partner about this?

If you've been dating for a while, how do you resolve the questions above?

I hope you'll share your thoughts on this topic.

Please either post a comment here (see instructions below, if you're new to this), or email me your story/thoughts and I'll answer you directly.

How to comment:
1. Click "post a comment."
2. If you're not registered with Blogspot (and you don't have to be), ignore the request for "user name" and password. Just check "other" INSTEAD of filling out "user name," and then type in the name you'd like to use, with your real age, if you don't mind. (e.g. "Joan, age 62")
3. Type the weird characters that you see below the sign-in. This is to prevent an automated comment inserter from infiltrating our community to leave ads or worse. Only real human beings can read and replicate the characters on the screen.

If you have trouble with this, or you'd like to comment but you don't feel like wading through the process, just email me your comment, first name, and age, and I'll post it for you.

Thank you!

-- Joan

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Boynton Beach Club film review

Boynton Beach Club is a movie featuring – finally! – realistic 60+ people experiencing truthful emotions of living in our later decades: grieving, wanting love and touching, distressed about how our older bodies look and act (or don't act), wanting and fearing to start a relationship after a devastating loss, and finally hurtling towards sex and love with a new person – or being content alone for now.

The film offers enough provocative topics to spice up an after-film discussion with a date or pals and terrific acting from an ensemble cast, especially Len Cariou and Brenda Vaccaro as the latest members of the Boynton Beach Bereavement Club. That's right – the "club" of the title is a social club for people who have recently lost their spouses.

These seniors are in touch with the modern age. Lois (Dyan Cannon) and Donald (Michael Nouri) go inline skating on their second date. Marilyn's husband is run over by a woman chattering on a cell phone. Marilyn (Brenda Vaccaro) invites her friends to watch a porn video she found in her deceased husband's file drawer. Harry goes online to find dates (and lies about his age and the color and profuseness of his hair).

There are also enough cliches to annoy me, though: women who can't drive, men who can't cook, female vamps who descend on new widowers with tuna casserole and invitations, and of course the obligatory scene of a man buying Viagra from a loud and indiscreet drugstore clerk.

I was disappointed when the first kissing and groping scene of the movie involved the best looking, youngest looking and slimmest couple: Dyan Cannon and Michael Nouri. How Hollywood, I thought, to reserve lust for the babe and the hunk of the group.

I was pleasantly surprised to see lust and sex revisited with Jack (Len Cariou, with a realistic paunchy belly) and Sandy (Sally Kellerman). An especially touching moment was when Sandy bared her breasts, and Jack recoiled. She thought he found her aging body ugly; it was actually because he was still grieving for his wife ("my best friend and companion for 45 years") – it was just too soon for him. The sweetest moment for me was when Jack shyly asked Sally, "Could we just cuddle?"

Boynton Beach Club is a comedy, but I'll remember the moments of emotional authenticity over the tired, cheap jokes ("Whatever you wear, evey man in the place will be drooling." "Big deal. Most of them are already drooling."). We all want to love and be loved, touch and be touched, and we all crave (and sometimes fear) the act of giving ourselves – mind, spirit, and body -- to another person. This movie made me happy to see our human emotions portrayed honestly – those human emotions that don't change just because we've got wrinkles in front of us and decades behind us