Monday, December 10, 2018

Perfect Strangers by Dorothy Freed


Dorothy Freed's Perfect Strangers: A Memoir of the Swinging Seventies is both one woman's personal story and the story of an era: the mid-1970s in San Francisco. Freed divorces a husband who cheated on her with her best friend and called her a "frigid bitch" because she didn't have vaginal orgasms. She goes on to explore her sexuality with whomever she chooses during 4 years of self-described "wanton promiscuity." She has plenty of sex with plenty of men, yes. But orgasms? Not so easy. 

Whether you had a wild side in the 1970s, or you still do, or you didn't, but wonder what that was like, Freed's memoir is honest and insightful. She navigates not only hook-ups, but her sense of self as she searches to define her sexuality in her own way -- not what her era taught or her ex-husband demanded.

Now 73, Freed looks back at this time of her life with candor and the perspective of a woman who gained much life wisdom and self-knowledge (and many orgasms) since that time. I asked Dorothy a few questions:

JP: What made you want to put this memoir into the world at this point, 40 years later?
Dorothy Freed then

DF: 1974 to 1978 was a seminal period in my life. For the first time, I was in charge of myself and my two sons. I loaded us in the station wagon, sat in the driver's seat, and drove us across country to start over. Later, when I examined how much I'd learned about myself in that four year span of time, I realized my story was a memoir of the swinging '70s, with historical significance, and one that needed to be shared with a larger audience.

JP: What message do you want people of our age, particularly, to get from your memoir?

DF: My message is to look back on the '70s as an era of unprecedented personal freedom, a time before AIDS colored our sexual world-view in dark hues. By the end of the memoir, my erotic behavior changed, but not because of fear of disease. I changed it because I saw no future in it. What was missing from my life was love and affection from a male partner. To achieve that, I needed to back away from my casual sex lifestyle, and focus on earning my living by making and selling my artwork -- and being open to the possibility of meeting a suitable man.

Dorothy Freed now
JP: Any advice to people of our age about exploring their sexuality, whether or not they did it the way you did?

DF: If there's still a spark alive inside you, reach out to embrace the adventure.

JP: Do you have any regrets?

DF: No, I don't. Events unfolded as they should. The path I chose was right for me.



Saturday, December 08, 2018

We-Vibe Discover Gift Box




The We-Vibe Discover Gift Box is a holiday gift, and much more. It's easily months of sexy giving and receiving. This curated gift box contains these 10 items for your sexual pleasure:
  1. We-Vibe Lube made by pjur: Water-based, safe for use with silicone pleasure toys.
  2. Tickler: A "feather duster" for your tickly bits or all over your body.
  3. Tango by We-Vibe: External mini-vibe, with 8 levels and modes of stimulation. Use the flat side, the tip, or the edges, and take it in the shower or tub if you wish -- it's waterproof and rechargeable. It's made of hard plastic and transmits the vibrations very well.
  4. Sexy Dice: Sexy instructions and the body parts to use them on. Roll the dice and play.
  5. We-Vibe Couple's Vibrator: AAA battery-powered, budget-friendly version of We-Vibe's signature silicone couple's vibrator. Designed for one "arm"  worn in the vagina and the other over the clitoris during partner intercourse, it's also dandy for unpartnered self-pleasure if the fit feels right. This version isn't as strong as the rechargeable models. (Hint: If you have trouble removing the paper from the battery compartment, as I did, use tweezers.) 
  6. Kegel Ball: You don't have to go to the gym to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. Insert the silicone ball in the vagina and slow squeeze - slow release for pelvic floor tone and, potentially, stronger orgasms. Silicone.
  7. Massage Candle: Sweet vanilla-scented candle, which releases massage oil. Of course you'll extinguish the fire and test the heat before you pour it over your partner, right?
  8. Womanizer Starlet: Small, travel-sized, rechargeable version of the Womanizer, which uses a delightful "pressurized air pulses" technology. Use it on the clitoris and/or any-gendered nipples. (See my reviews of my favorite Womanizers here and my half-hearted review of the Starlet here. Although it's not my favorite Womanizer, it will help you know whether you like the feeling enough to invest in a stronger model.) 
  9. Dusk by We-Vibe: Silicone anal plug, marketed as a "beginner's butt plug" because it's smaller than most and tapered for easy insertion. It doesn't vibrate on its own, but the base is tube-
    Dusk + Tango
    shaped so you can pair it with the Tango to add vibrations. You'll feel mild vibrations internally and stronger vibrations on the perineum, which the Tango will touch. 
  10. Silky Sash: Use it as a blindfold or a restraint, or come up with your own idea!
Each item is individually wrapped within its own gift box and comes with a card describing the item and how to use it. You might choose to play with these individually, or try them in combination. With such a large collection of possibilities, you'll easily find some favorites. Enjoy experimenting!

The We-Vibe Discover Gift Box is listed at $350 (ouch!), but it's selling now for $249 from We-Vibe. Still pricey, I know, but if it's within your budget for a special treat that keeps on giving, you'll find much to enjoy!

Thank you, We-Vibe, for gifting me the Discover Gift Box!



Sunday, November 25, 2018

Sex After Grief: Do you have a story?




Sex is complicated enough when it’s easy — but when we’re in grief, it’s especially mysterious and confusing. How do we nurture ourselves as sexual beings when we’re grieving the death of a partner? Why does taking care of ourselves sexually even matter when we’d rather hide under the covers and wail? What do we do with those sexual feelings that arise despite our misery? How do we know when it’s time to open ourselves to a new sexual relationship, whether it’s a friend with benefits or a new love connection?

I am thrilled to tell you that I'm writing a new book: Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Loss of Your Beloved. I will draw on my own experiences as a widow since 2008. I’ll share my own raw grief journey, my sexual reawakening (and the many stumbles along the way), my attempts to dip my toes in the dating pool, and what I learned.

This book won’t just be about me, though. As I’ve done in all my books about senior sex, I’ll include excerpts from other people’s personal stories, which will help readers see that we who have grieved have much in common, yet also much that’s different. There’s no right or wrong method or timeline for bringing our sexuality back to into our lives, whether it’s with our own hands, a well-placed vibrator, a hook-up, a new companion, or any combination.  

This is where you come in. If you have experienced the grief of your partner's death, how did you get sexual again? What was the hardest thing about opening yourself to sex with a new partner? What lessons did you learn about sex and grief that you'd be willing to share with others? What worked for you? What didn't work? What did you learn along the way? 

Additionally, I could use your experiences and perspective in these areas:

  • Your first partnered sex after/during grief, what it meant to you then, what it means to you now
  • Insecurity about sex with a new person
  • How do you know when you're ready?
  • Sex after grief when you're poly
  • Friend with benefits
  • Paying for sex
  • Binge sex
  • Getting sexual in stages
  • Funny story (it's okay to laugh)
  • Lessons from grief counselors
  • Myths about sex and grief: which ones seem wrong or harmful now?
  • Dealing with people who judge or shame you for your choices
  • Dating while grieving
  • What you wish someone had told you 
  • Advice for a non-griever wanting to date someone in grief
  • Advice and reflections for other grievers

There are more topic areas I'll ask for later. I'll update the list through the next month or two.

If you'd like to contribute your wisdom or your story, please email me at this link with the subject "My grief story." If you prefer, you may post your comment here instead of emailing -- just realize that by posting, you are giving me permission to use excerpts from your comment.

Whether you post or email, I won't divulge your name or identifying details in excerpts that I use. You'll be anonymous in the book. Exception: If you're a grief counselor, therapist, book author, grief support leader, sex educator, etc. who would like to be quoted with your name, specify that.

People of all genders, all sexual orientations, all relationship styles are invited to contribute. Notice that I haven't said that you need to be age 50+. Sex after Grief will be primarily, but not exclusively, for our 50 to 80+ age group. Whether you're older or younger than 50 and you struggled with death, bereavement, and regaining your sexuality, your story is welcome.

Thank you so much for getting involved and helping other people who share the journey we never wanted to take. I hope to hear from you.





Thursday, November 08, 2018

"Sex after 65" in the news



11/8/2018: I'm bringing this post from 5/29/18 to the top again because I hope you'll comment. I'm especially interested to know how you would interpret the question, "Are you currently sexually active?" if  a researcher asked you. (Please answer by posting a comment.)

I'm often complaining that little is known about our age group's sexual behavior and beliefs because no one asks us. So I was delighted to learn that researchers at the University of Michigan surveyed 1,002 people between 65 and 80 about their sex lives as part of the National Poll on Healthy Aging 2018. The report, titled "Sex after 65. Health, gender differences, and lack of communication," was released on May 3, 2018.

Here are some of the findings:
  • 40 percent of people between the ages of 65 and 80 are sexually active.
  • 54 percent of those with a partner are sexually active.
  • Nearly 2/3 of older adults say they’re interested in sex.
  • More than 50% say sex is important to their quality of life.
  • 73 percent said they are satisfied with their current sex life.
  • 18 percent of older men and 3 percent of older women say they’ve taken medications or supplements to improve sexual function in the past two years.
  • Only 17 percent of older adults said they have talked with their doctor or other health care provider about sexual health in the past two years.
  • Those between the ages of 65 and 70 were nearly twice as likely as those in their late 70s to be sexually active.
  • 50% of men but just 12 percent of women aged 65 to 80 said they were extremely or very interested in sex.

As I read this, I kept asking myself how they defined sex or sexually active or sex lives. Did sex with a vibrator, a partner's hand or mouth, or one's own hand count as sexually active or having a sex life? (I say yes.)  I asked Erica Solway, Ph.D., co-associate director of the poll, who told me,

We did not define sex because we wanted the response to be based on the individual’s definition of what constitutes sex (or their sex life or being sexually active) from their own perspective. We felt this was important, but it does mean that we do not have information on what activities people were referring to when they reported they were or were not sexually active. It’s possible that two people engaged in the same activities may have responded to the questions differently based on their personal definition.

I agree that our own definition of what constitutes sex is important in a study like this -- I applaud this, in fact. But I would have liked that clearer in the poll questions. For example, "Are you currently sexually active?" could have been worded, "Do you engage in sexual activity?" That may sound almost the same, but I have a hunch that many people would interpret the first question as "Do you have sex with a partner?" and the second as "Do you have sex, either with a partner or with yourself?" Asking the question differently would have raised the percentage of people who answered yes to that question, seems to me.
May, Graphic 1
What do you think, readers? Am I off base? How would you interpret the question, "Are you currently sexually active?" (Please answer in the comments section.)

The wording of the questions is a minor quibble, though, because I understand that the poll was multiple-choice, not essay questions, and answered online, not via an interview. In the end, I'm happy that someone's asking.

This report was all over the news. Here are some of the headlines:
As glad as I was to see this study in the news, I couldn't help wondering why the [younger] public is so surprised that we seniors have sex on our minds and in our beds. Why would we give up something so pleasurable? Do they expect that on some predetermined birthday, we'll just say, "Sex? Been there, done that, moving on. Now help me blow out all these candles."

Thank you, University of Michigan Institute for Healthcare Policy and Innovation, for conducting the study, and AARP and Michigan Medicine, U-M’s academic medical center, for sponsoring it. Let's keep talking.

Wednesday, November 07, 2018

Sleek and Ergonomic: Le Wand Petite review

Sleek, handsome, comfortable, strong, and easy to hold. You'd think I was describing my latest man crush, but -- no surprise, right? -- it's a vibrator that has me sighing: the shiny purple Le Wand Petite. It also comes in a lovely rose gold. It happened that both The Smitten Kitten and Le Wand were eager for my opinion, and independently, they each sent me Le Wand Petite. Lucky me -- I have both colors!

Le Wand Petite is stylish looking and refreshingly ergonomic. Despite its 10-inch length and fairly large head, the handle tapers to under 2 inches in diameter, making it easy for arthritic hands to hold. Nice for short arms, too! And it's light. Very light. Just under 8 ounces.

Like many wand vibrators, you'll feel some light vibrations through the handle, but the high-power vibrations stay focused in the comfortable, silicone head. The neck is somewhat flexible, but only a fraction of an inch unless you press hard.

Le Wand Petite works delightfully as a solo clitoral vibrator, and the slim wand and long handle also make it easy to give yourself clitoral stimulation during partner sex. A penis can also enjoy the stimulation -- this isn't a gendered vibrator.

Magic Wand, Le Wand, Touch
But is it "petite" as the name claims? Compared to the original Le Wand (I'll add my review of that one soon) or the Magic Wand -- yes. Compared to the vibrators that usually accompany me on my travels, like the We-Vibe Touch -- no. However, it's so slim and light that it's easy to pack and carry. 

It's USB rechargeable and shower friendly, and comes with a zipped travel/storage pouch. The raised buttons are easy to locate by touch without looking, though you'll have to memorize which is "+" and which is "-" if you don't want to stop the action.

Despite the claims of "10 rumbly vibration speeds and 6 vibration patterns," I wouldn't call the higher speeds "rumbly." The low speeds are rumbly, but get buzzier as the intensity increases. Is it as strong as my 75-year-old body likes? It's not a Magic Wand or a Sybian, but it doesn't claim to be, and it's surprisingly powerful for a vibrator that weighs less than 8 ounces. If you want strong but don't require turbo power, you'll be happy.

Full disclosure: So this happened. After several happy experiences with each Le Wand Petite, the purple one stopped turning on. It was fully charged, but would make just a quick buzz, then turn off and stay off. The marvelous Le Wand people jumped to give suggestions and offer a replacement, saying this was not a problem others had reported. Then a few days later, I turned it on, same problem, but after I wiggled the head (because... why not?), it turned on and stayed on. I've tested the off/on again, with no problems. I didn't want to post a review without mentioning this, but I'm confident that it was a quirky glitch that righted itself. If you do have problems, Le Wand has a one-year warranty.

Many thanks to The Smitten Kitten and Le Wand for providing me with Le Wand Petite in return for an honest review.




Sunday, October 14, 2018

Fun Factory Sex Toys!


10/14/18: I'm bringing this 4/24/18 post to the top again. I find myself recommending these vibrators often -- especially the Volta and the Cobra Libre -- and I don't want you to miss out. Be sure you use the 10% discount code at the end! 

Lucky me! I own a toy box of new vibrators from Fun Factory. As the name implies and the photo illustrates, each colorful Fun Factory vibrator has something playful about it.

The shape may be a dolphin, a cuttlefish, a caterpillar, a race car. You can't help laughing as you try to describe it, and I'm sure that's intentional. Sex is fun. Solo sex is fun. Sex with vibrators is fun.

These Fun Factory toys have much in common, so I'm doing a round-up instead of reviewing the toys individually and repeating myself. All are well-made of body-safe, medical-grade silicone and they're waterproof for shower, tub, and pool use. Most charge via a USB magnetic charger, simple as can be, and they hold a charge for a long time. Yes, I have my favorites with unique qualities, and I'll tell you what makes them special.


My top favorite is the Volta. It's delightfully versatile. The curved shape and vibrating tips (I think of them as "flippers") can give pleasure in several ways. For example:
  • Nuzzle a clitoris by surrounding the glans (protruding tip of the clitoris) with the flippers.
  • Rest the curve of the Volta over the vulva for all-over stimulation.
  • Separate the flippers to vibrate the clitoris and the vaginal entrance simultaneously. 
  • Cuddle or circle around the head of a penis.
  • Stroke the shaft of a penis with the flippers during fellatio. 

The Volta is not only versatile, it's wonderfully strong! Take your choice of 6 intensity levels, oh my, and 6 rhythm patterns. It's rumbly rather than buzzy, which I appreciate.


My second favorite is Patchy Paul (explain that name to me, please), caterpillar shaped including two eyes.* The shape makes it perfect for G-spot penetration, or clitoral pinpointing, or curving over the vulva.

I find most Fun Factory penetrative toys too girthy for pleasure, but Patchy Paul starts narrow  -- 1.1 inch diameter at the tip -- and gradually increases in girth, bloop by bloop, to 1.7 inches in diameter. Unless you like really deep penetration, that widest bloop won't matter. It's also fairly flexible, making it even more comfortable. Like the Volta, you get 6 intensities and 6 rhythm patterns.

Patchy Paul's fake eyes
* A fun fact for you: Many caterpillars have fake eye spots so that predators think they're snakes. Patchy Paul has fake eye spots to make us laugh.

caterpillar with fake eyes
Both Volta and Patchy Paul have ergonomic loop handles -- no wrist twisting required, and no problem with lubed fingers. Besides solo use, the long shape and tapered ends make them work between bodies to add clitoral stimulation during partnered penetrative sex.

You can't choose between them? If you like simultaneous clitoral stimulation and vaginal penetration and you can budget for both, double your pleasure by using Volta on the clitoris and Patchy Paul vaginally. Wowza. Of course you can do that with any two sex toys that fit your needs -- I'm not saying you have to buy two new products for this experience. But Volta and Patchy Paul work especially well as a team, thanks to the shapes -- they don't get in the way of each other.



If you prefer a smaller vibrator and you don't need the turbo power I prefer, the adorable Cayona or Diva Dolphin might be just right for you.

The shape of Cayona is designed for both penetration and clitoral stimulation via the bump, but the dimensions weren't right for me (we're all different), plus the penetrative part felt too thick, and the vibrations were buzzier than my personal preference. Sure love the color, though!
Size comparison
Cayona & Patchy Paul 

The Diva Dolphin was more comfortable for insertion, tapering gradually. It can take batteries (no charging necessary), or if you prefer rechargeable, upgrade with Fun Factory's hybrid kit. It has 4 speeds and 6 patterns. A good product, but I was spoiled by the Volta.



Cobra Libre II is a popular penis vibrator. It's designed to envelop and vibrate the head of the penis, the most sensitive area for most penis owners. Experiment with how you like to hold it and use it. MacDuff, my penis-owning reviewer, tells me:

I used lube on just my penis at first and although it felt good, it didn't get me to orgasm. The next time, I added a generous amount of lube inside the Cobra Libre, and woo! That made it possible to slightly thrust in and out, all the while being stimulated by vibrations. I discovered that for me, the toy works best held in what seems like an upside down position, as that better follows the upward curve of my erection. Whee! Full orgasm. Knocked me out.


Anything to criticize about Fun Factory sex toys? Only that they come without pouches. Sturdy boxes, yes, but who has room to store boxes? Dear Fun Factory, couldn't you include one of your sweet  Tyvek zipped toybags?

I love the Karim Rashid Toybag, which makes a great gift, by the way. This toybag is so cute and durable that I use it to carry favorite vibrators, lube, and condoms when I travel.


Always use water-based lubricant with Fun Factory products. They can be damaged by oils and creams, so be careful with other substances on your body such as sunscreen, Fun Factory warns.



SPECIAL 10% DISCOUNT
My readers get 10% off all Fun Factory products with the code JOANPRICE. Go to Fun Factory using this link or any of the links in this post. Explore. Choose. Use the coupon code JOANPRICE at the bottom of your shopping cart, before clicking checkout. Fun Factory is so eager to introduce you to the pleasures of their products that you can continue to use this discount code on all future orders until 4/14/2020. (Please note that this coupon cannot be combined with other offers.)


Thank you, Fun Factory, for sending me these joyous sex toys in return for an honest review. Take a look at all their products -- you'll smile at the shapes and colors, and I'm sure you'll find one that's just right for you. And don't forget to use your discount code.

See my past reviews of other Fun Factory favorites:
Volta and Patchy Paul repose
after fun in the shower


Sunday, September 16, 2018

We-Vibe Touch and Anniversary Collection

9/16/18 update: I'm moving this review to the top because the We-VibeTouch has become my favorite travel vibrator! It's tiny enough to pack in the toe of a shoe (not one you're wearing, of course) and so light that it adds no discernible weight to your carry-on. With all that convenience, you do not sacrifice power -- it's strong and gets the job done, so to speak. 

Original review published 7/23/18:

The lovely folks at We-Vibe are celebrating a decade of creating pleasure products, and they sent me their latest products to sample. My favorite from We-Vibe is the Touch: small enough to be an easy travel companion, quiet, yet strong. I love the shape and its versatility -- it's curved to cover much of the vulva for all-over stimulation, or press the cupped area over the clitoris, or point the tip wherever you want it, or combine any or all of these.

The Touch is fabulous to use on the clitoris during partner sex as well as solo, because it doesn't get in the way of two joined bodies. If you enjoy penetrative sex and need extra clitoral stimulation for your journey towards orgasm, this makes it easy and sweet. Add it for extra clitoral stimulation whatever kind of sex you might be enjoying -- penetrative or not.

I had an earlier version of the Touch which I liked, but this one I love. The earlier Touch was made of a shiny silicone -- this one is matte silicone: smooth and slick used with water-based lubricant, which enhances the sensation. It's small, weighs almost nothing, and if you're taking it as your travel companion -- which I recommend -- it takes no room in your carry-on.

The controls are a raised button at the base, easy to find and use during use, though with lubed fingers you may need to press hard. (The two silver things are for charging.) It's completely waterproof -- who needs a rubber ducky in the tub when you have the Touch? It has 8 vibration modes: 4 intensities and 4 patterns, and is surprisingly quiet, rumbly, and decently strong. It comes with a white satin pouch.


To celebrate 10 years, We-Vibe is offering their Anniversary Collection: the newest version of the We-Vibe Sync and the Tango mini-vibrator, both in passion purple in a compact travel case that doubles as a charging station.

We-Vibe Sync is advertised as a couple's vibrator, to be worn during penetrative sex, with the smaller end in the vagina against the G-spot and the larger end stimulating the clitoris. It's smaller and slimmer than earlier versions, and the bend between the two sections is adjustable, which is an improvement. It has an optional remote.

Despite all this, I don't find it comfortable during partner penetration and I prefer to use it solo as a warm-up. Insert it during a shower or bath (it's completely waterproof), or just wear it around the house for a while, vibrating to get the blood flow going to the genitals, and you'll find arousal is faster and orgasm is easier. It can be used other ways and for other erogenous zones, too -- experiment and enjoy!

In a long-distance relationship? Use the We-Connect app to let a partner of your choice anywhere in the world control the vibrations. Or sync the beat to your favorite music. Playtime!

Thank you, We-Vibe, for sending me the Touch and the Anniversary Collection for review. Happy anniversary!

Tuesday, September 04, 2018

Kinkly Sex Blogger of the Month



"Naked at Our Age is THE blog to read when it comes to sex for people over 50 - and beyond. It's fun, sexy and - if you're aspiring to a long and healthy sex life - inspiring." These words are from Kinkly, a website about sex whose mission is "to start that conversation, answer your questions and help you discover new and exciting things about sex, love and your body." I'm honored and delighted to be chosen the Kinkly Sex Blogger of the Month for September 2018!

This brings me joy. I love knowing that my work is appreciated! More important, it shows that we're getting closer to the time when older-age sexuality is seen as normal and fabulous.

It starts with us, my generation, celebrating the joys and sharing how we address the challenges of having sex in aging bodies.

Then it spreads to the bigger sex-positive community like Kinkly, CatalystCon, Woodhull, and all the sex educators and media that give me a platform to share this information.

Next step: eradicate the "ick factor" that surrounds sex and aging. Okay, I'm dreaming big, but I was dreaming big when I started this blog in 2005 and wrote my first book about senior sex, and look what happened!

If you're new to this blog, check out the categories and roam, reading whatever interests you. For more about sex and aging, I invite you to subscribe to my occasional (once or twice a month) newsletter, and "like" my Naked at Our Age Facebook page.

Welcome, and thank you for being part of my world!

Friday, August 24, 2018

Atom Plus by Hot Octopuss: innovative cock ring


REVIEW OF ATOM PLUS 
by Shamus MacDuff

 Atom Plus by Hot Octopuss is an innovative new cock ring that engages the scrotum as well as the penis. Wearing it requires some practice, some effort, and plenty of lube, but once in place the end result is extremely pleasant.

What sets Atom Plus apart from other cock rings is its direct stimulation of the perineum as well as the penile shaft, creating powerful sensations and more intense orgasms.

The perineum is the nerve-dense area between the genitals and the anus that in most people is highly sensitive. For men it sits above the prostate gland—the proverbial “P-spot”—and excitation of the perineum often produces wonderful prostate sensations without anal penetration.

 The video below makes it appear easy to drop one’s balls through the opening, rotate the device 90 degrees, and then slide the soft penis through to reach “operating position.” However, I found that it took considerable work at first to stretch the Atom Plus’s opening sufficiently to get both of my testicles through.




 After manual stretching alone proved insufficient, I hooked Atom Plus up to a fixed vise handle in my workshop and pulled very strongly against it. That workshop action stretched the opening enough so the “getting-it-on mission” eventually was accomplished, with copious application of water-based lube to my balls and to Atom Plus itself. The more I have used Atom Plus, the easier it has become to get everything in position.

Given its name, I hesitate to use the word “explosive,” but my masturbation with Atom Plus has led to explosive orgasms.The power of these is a combination of perineal and penile stimulation, which Atom Plus accentuates beautifully. These forays are even more dynamic with simultaneous use of Hot Octopuss’s Pocket Pulse. What distinguishes these orgasms from those achieved using either Cobra Libre or the Pocket Pulse alone is the intense excitation of my perineum and “P-spot” as well as the penile shaft.

controls may be slippery
Atom Plus has five different settings, and you’re sure to find one or more that flicks your bic. For me, the second and third settings are dynamite. The second setting gets my penis erect almost instantly with its steady pulsations, while the third setting brings me into P-spot heaven. Try ‘em, you’ll like ‘em!

Although it has two separate motors the Atom Plus is remarkably quiet, emitting only soft, gentle sounds. It is made of silicone and is totally waterproof, so it can be used in the shower and is easy to clean. It charges quickly and holds a charge for a long time. However, the barely raised control buttons are not highly responsive to touch with lubed fingers, and one has to feel around a bit before being able to change settings.

 My female partner and I experimented with Atom Plus in missionary position PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex, but she did not love it. Aligning the small nub on the front of Atom Plus with her clitoris was difficult, and by her report, my gentle thrusting felt like a battering ram because of the hard surface of the Atom Plus.

We tried several different insertion styles (gentle circular motions; partial penis insertion without Atom Plus directly contacting her; extremely slow in-and-out action) but none of these delighted her. She said that she did feel the vibrations produced by Atom Plus, however, and we giggled over her “vibrating vagina.”

While some may find it nice for PIV, Atom Plus works best for me for solo sex, and for that it is a wonderful addition, a definite delight, and highly recommended!


Shamus MacDuff, age 74, was oblivious to the delights of sex toys for penises until about a year ago. He's making up for lost time! Read his other posts here.


Good news: Hot Octopuss is giving readers of my blog a 20% discount on ATOM and ATOM PLUS through September 8, 2018. Use the discount code ATOMJP20 when you complete your order.



Hot Octopuss meets Hot Squid



Friday, July 13, 2018

Tell Me What You Want by Justin Lehmiller: book review

"I'm scared people will find out what I masturbate to." -- Donald Glover 

Tell Me What You Want:The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life by Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D. is the book we've all needed, even if we didn't know it. We all have sexual fantasies, but we don't usually share them with others, even our own partners. Many of us agonize about what our fantasies say about us, or we struggle (unsuccessfully) to repress them.

What Is a Sexual Fantasy?
A sexual fantasy is any mental picture that comes to mind while you're awake that ultimately turns you on ... Simply put, a fantasy is a conscious thought that makes you feel all hot and bothered, and maybe gets some blood flowing to your genitals, too.

In this barrier-smashing book, sex researcher Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 Americans, ages 18 to 87, who answered 350 detailed questions about themselves, their sex lives, and their sex fantasies. The result is a solidly researched book that answers questions you probably have, such as these:
  • How common is my sex fantasy? 
  • Does my fantasy mean that I'm a bad person?
  • What sorts of people have fantasies like mine? 
  • Should I tell my partner about my fantasy?
  • What should I consider before acting out my fantasy?
  • What do other people fantasize about? 
  • What are the most common fantasies?
My biggest problem reviewing Tell Me What You Want is that it's so good that I don't know how to narrow down what I tell you about it. Look at all these Post-Its! Instead of summarizing or interpreting Lehmiller's points, here are some of them in his own words:

  • Multipartner Sex: The results of my investigation reveal that the single most popular sexual fantasy among Americans today is -- drum roll, please -- group sex ... perhaps the most normal thing there is to fantasize about because almost everyone has been turned on by the thought of it.
  • Men and women are not polar opposites when it comes to their sexual psychology ... most of the things that men fantasize about, women fantasize about as well.
  • Our sexual fantasies appear to be carefully designed to meet our psychological needs -- and because those needs change and evolve over our life span, it seems that our sexual fantasies naturally adjust in order to accommodate them. 
  • There's a world of difference when it comes to what turns someone on at [different] life stages ... older adults -- especially those in long-term, monogamous relationships -- are more likely to crave something fresh and new ... like an orgy or an open relationship.
  • According to my survey data, if there's one specific person who's likely to appear in your sexual fantasies, it's your current romantic partner.
  • When we feel ashamed or guilty about what turns us on, it can potentially lead to sexual performance difficulties ... the more negative emotions [survey participants] reported -- things like guilt, shame, embarrassment, fear, anxiety, and disgust -- the more sexual problems they had. 
  • When the novelty of a new relationship has worn off, adding new and exciting elements to your sex life by acting on your fantasies can potentially prevent passion from subsiding and allow it to keep burning.

There's more, so much more. Whether you're interested in the world of sex research, or you just want to understand your own sex fantasies better, or you're looking for tips for communicating better with your partner, I know you'll enjoy and learn from Tell Me What You Want:The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, as I did.


Justin Lehmiller and I had a conversation about senior sex recently:

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

I Asked, You Answered, Part 2

In my newsletter a few months ago, I asked my subscribers several questions. The response was so huge that I devoted an entire blog post to the answer to the first question: "If you're in a long-term relationship, what tips or wisdom can you share that help you keep a relationship sexy and spicy after decades together?" Read my readers' answers here.

The answers to the remaining questions were less plentiful but every bit as interesting and, I hope, useful. Here are excerpts:

 If you're in a relationship that's less than satisfying, what do you wish you could tell or ask your partner to bring the sexiness back?

* I wish she'd realize how difficult it is for me when I've tried romantic stuff and she doesn't respond. I wish she allow herself to get turned on like she used to in her 30s.

* I’m 67, in a heterosexual relationship with a peer, 68, who has chronic back pain with acute flare ups which he fears and dreads. His solution for sex - on back, still as possible -  leaves me frustrated. His anxiety has affected me, and I’m wondering how to speak up. Friends have suggested sex toys. I’d like to lose my own inhibitions and ask for more foreplay.

* I'm in a relatively new relationship that was interrupted by breast cancer that required a mastectomy. Months after her final chemo treatment, there is no further evidence of cancer. The drugs that suppress estrogen also suppress libido. We are on uncertain ground. It's difficult to talk about, because it is such a change from pre-cancer romance. I'm not sure what it is we are talking about some of the time: is it the shock of having had cancer, exhaustion from trying to get back up to speed at work, drug effects, or is it actually the relationship? All the things that used to work, don't. It's like we're starting from scratch with a lot of baggage added. She once expressed her sense of how this relationship has gone for her as, "We were dating. Then I got cancer and everything focused on that. While you were looking after me the relationship grew deeper for you; for me it disappeared. Now I'm back and we are in very different places." Patience is the key for both of us. Psychological recovery takes longer than physical healing, we both know that. Yes, I'm in love with her and I know she loves me; she says it often.

In what ways have you changed your ideas about the kind of relationship you'd like to have now? For example, would you be happy in a non-monogamous relationship? Friends with benefits? Marriage only? Living together without marriage? Sexually exclusive but not living together? Intimacy without sex?

* My sexual appetite and lack of inhibition are stronger than my husband’s. Part of me -- the randier side of me -- thinks it would be cool to have another partner. But my husband is emphatic that that would be grounds for divorce. It’s not worth it to me at this time to pursue it. Sometimes I believe that it’s attractive because, after 33 years, it’s just different.

* I am involved now with a man who identifies as polyamorous. I've been strictly a one man gal, and it's been an eye opening experience to process this new paradigm. I love him, but only time will tell whether I can live a lifestyle that is so foreign to me. As I age, I am more sexually comfortable, adventurous and voracious! As a young woman I was painfully shy, inhibited, and sure I wasn't attractive. Now I feel strong, capable, sexy, attractive and free to express myself sexually and sensually. As challenging as my current relationship is, I have never had richer, more vibrant, freeing conversations with any man I have been involved with. It is a gift, and no matter what happens, I will always appreciate what this man has brought to my life.

What's the worst thing a date or mate ever said to you? I ask this after a friend told me that a recent sex date said to him, "You're the kind of person I want to go to bed with -- but not the kind of person I want to wake up with."

* My marriage before it ended: "Not only do I have to have sex with you, but I'm supposed to enjoy it?"

* "You're too fat to fuck." Still smarts after all these years.

What else would you like me to know?

* I want to learn how to love without fear, without clinging to the safety of old thinking. How to love extravagantly, with respect at all times for myself and my partner(s).

* I enjoy sex more now at age 66 because after many years, I’m more into the total experience that each encounter brings. When I was young, it was me and my partner getting to the big “O”. Now, it’s so much more. The passion, while still there, is not the rip off your clothes type passion. It’s the patience, if you will, of taking our time and enjoying each other’s bodies. It’s the expression of love and the communication that wasn’t there years ago. It’s the candles flickering in the darkness of the room. It’s the kissing and caressing. It’s the change that comes with each love making session. It’s our willingness to explore different “toys” and lubricants. Can we move and get into positions like 20 years ago - of course not. But what we can and do now that we didn’t do before is we can totally love, accept and appreciate each other for what we are. Seniors who take every bit of love making to the fullest every time.


Do you want to join in the discussion? I welcome your comments!

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Womanizer Starlet


Until now, I've felt that the Womanizer clitoral stimulators got better with each new version. I've reviewed four of them here -- be sure and read these reviews to understand the lovely, suction-like, "pressurized air puff" technology and how it feels:
But the latest mini-Womanizer, the Starlet, disappoints. I really wanted to love it, because I travel a lot, and the idea of packing a tiny (3" long and pretty much weightless) yet powerful sex toy is appealing. However...

The biggest problem for me is the design of the cap. I can't tell whether the issue is the size or the shape, but with lubricant, it slips right off the clitoris. My favorite Womanizers -- Plus and 2Go (AKA "the lipstick") -- come with a choice of two caps, so you can choose the one that fits and feels best. The Starlet only comes with one, and the part that encircles the tip of the clitoris is smaller and a slightly different shape (photo below). Without lubricant, it doesn't slip, but hey, at our age, we need lubricant.

Caps L to R, Plus - 2Go - Starlet
The Womanizer website describes the Starlet this way:

Every woman has the right to experience intense orgasms. Everywhere! With the practical format of the Starlet the high-end technology of the original Womanizer is also available on the go. This mobility combined with the modern design make the Womanizer a perfect companion, especially for women, who are still at the beginnings of their sexual development but nonetheless care about a patented premium product. 

Uh, no. If you're a beginner to sex toys (and I know that many of my readers are), you deserve a product that will rock your world, not one that makes you go, "Er, how is this supposed to work?" or "Is that all?" The site also claims that you'll reach orgasm in just a few minutes. I wish!

It also claims to be quiet. Only if you don't use lube. Otherwise, it's noisy. It sounds like it's slurping lubricant through a straw like we used to suck up that last drop of milkshake in 1958. Normally, I don't care about sound -- I love the Magic Wand and the Sybian, and they're about the noisiest orgasm tools available. But an itty bitty travel companion should not be noisy.
L to R: 2Go - Starlet - Plus

My recommendations:

  • For home use, the  big Womanizer Plus. Powerful. Fabulous.
  • For travel, the 2Go. Yes, it's a little bigger than the Starlet, but still small enough for travel.

If price is a big issue, the Starlet is considerably cheaper than the other models. That would be great if it worked almost as well, but at least for me, it doesn't. As always, your mileage may vary.


Sharing moments of hilarity
with Educator Andy at
CatalystCon 2018
Thank you, Educator Andy from Good Vibrations, for the Womanizer Starlet and for always supporting my mission as a senior sex educator and advocate. 





Saturday, June 02, 2018

Talk to Me about Senior Invisibility

If you're over 50, 60, 70 and beyond -- in what ways do you feel invisible as a sexual being? E.g. from medical professionals? community services? caregivers? colleagues? dismissive attitudes from others?

I'm collecting examples for an upcoming talk. Comment here or email me with the subject header "Invisible." I won't use your name if I quote you. Please include your age.

Here are some examples from readers of my Naked at Our Age Facebook page (which I hope you'll "like" if you haven't already) to get you thinking:

💬 I'm 64. A few years ago, I saw a male physician who began almost every sentence to me with "A woman of your age...." as if I was geriatric in every sense of the word and he needed to explain how I no longer had the physical abilities of a "young and healthy" woman.  He was lecturing me on how I needed to change my expectations for my body and make allowances for those changes. The irony was his age, at least 50 himself. 

💬 I was using the free wi-fi at the Senior Center. Anything that has “sex” in it is blocked.  

💬 I'm 53, and I often feel invisible in social groups. I was in a mixed-age group once  online where younger men were telling sex jokes. An older woman joined in, not flirting with them, just telling her own stories. When she mentioned being in her early sixties they flipped out, complained about feeling sick, and so forth. Honestly a lot of men my own age aren’t much better. Sometimes I look in the mirror to see if I’ve grown a second head with the way that they act. I just don’t feel comfortable flirting and being sexual the way I used to because of the negativity I keep seeing towards women over 50.  

💬 Try being a gentleman and over 70. If I compliment (all PC and non sexist) a woman under 50, I get the "dirty old man" look! Can't a compliment just be that? My wife often will compliment another gal on her fashion, and it's accepted with a smile. I wouldn't dare try that! 

💬 I want to be invisible, in fact miles away, when someone at a family gathering starts talking about: their hemorrhoids
* his Viagra use
* how he pees in the middle of the night
* how, when he was a kid, he used a piece of liver to jack off
* asking pretty young women to sit close to him
All of these fall under too much information (TMI). I don’t need word pictures of things I don’t want to see. 

Your turn!

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Vibrator Nation by Lynn Comella


I wonder if there are two types of seniors: those who love their sex-toy shops, and those who haven't discovered yet how wonderful these stores are.

If you're in the second camp because you imagine (or remember from your youth) a dark, seedy, sticky-floored space with leering salespeople, customers wrapped in raincoats, and gaping orifices on the shelves, you're in for a delightful surprise.

In Vibrator Nation: How Feminist Sex-Toy Stores Changed the Business of Pleasure, Lynn Comella, Ph.D. has accomplished a rarity: a peppy, sex-positive history book chronicling the emergence and evolution of feminist sex-toy shops. Written by a researcher, it's far from dry -- well lubricated, rather, by lively interviews with sex-toy shop owners and workers. We learn how the business of pleasure toys evolved to include sex education, inclusivity, and a feminist mission, not just sales.

This is a book about feminist invention, intervention, and contradiction, a world where sex-positive retailers double as social activists, commodities are framed as tools of liberation, and consumers are willing to pay for the promise of better living through orgasms.

Eavesdrop on the conversations and struggles about what a feminist sex-toy store should stand for, what the politics should be, whether or not to sell porn, and if so, how to choose it, how to be education-based and still sell products.

Smitten Kitten, Minneapolis
Learn Jennifer Pritchett's "sweaty sex toy" story. In 2003, the owner of Minneapolis's first feminist sex shop, Smitten Kitten, opened a shipment of toys that degraded and leached greasy, noxious chemicals. This led Pritchett to spearhead the anti-toxic-sex-toy movement. "That's when Smitten Kitten's mission changed from being just another sex-positive, educationally focused feminist sex shop to becoming a business committed to environmental justice and personal health"

  Photo by Krystal Ramirez
Lynn Comella is an associate professor of gender and sexuality studies, a researcher and expert on the adult entertainment industry, a writer on sex and culture. She immersed herself in sex-toy retail culture while researching Vibrator Nation, including selling sex toys at Babeland to get the inside experience. I've had the pleasure of hearing her speak several times, and she's smart and sassy, a delight. This attitude and liveliness is as strong in her writing as in her public speaking.

You'll not only learn about sex-toy stores, you'll also get some cool sex-education quotes. For example:

"A sex-positive person appreciates that human sexuality is endlessly diverse -- there is no right way to have sex and no singular definition of normal." - Lynn Comella

"In those days, when we were discussing vaginal and clitoral orgasms, we used to say that the only people who reliably have vaginal orgasms are men." - Joani Blank, founder of Good Vibrations.

"When women talk about sex, it changes the culture." - Carol Queen 

"Doing what 'comes naturally' for us is to be sexually inhibited. Sex is like any other skill -- it has to be learned and practiced. When a woman masturbates, she learns to like her own genitals, to enjoy sex and orgasm, and furthermore, to become proficient and independent about it." - Betty Dodson

 "The worst sexual problem we have -- our worst sexual dysfunction... [is] our inability to talk about sex." - Joani Blank


I love today's feminist sex-toy shops. They curate their products carefully for our health and pleasure. They provide sex education to their customers. They believe that sexual pleasure is everyone's right, whatever the age, gender, sexual identity, orientation, kink, needs, desires, abilities, relationship structure, and whatever else should be in this list.

Some of these stores hire me to speak, proving that they agree with my assertion that sex has no expiration date. They advertise on this blog, voting with their wallets to support my educational mission. Please support them in return! You'll find them in the right-hand column of this blog, and yes, you can purchase from them online.