Friday, July 04, 2014

62-year-old Woman Seeks Man for Sex


Lucy, age 62
Lucy, a 62-year-old woman from Santa Fe, NM, wrote to me:

Joan—I’m bisexual and have always loved sex with men. Unfortunately as I age, I find men in my age group don’t have much interest in getting right to sex -- they just want to “date”—interminably. 

If there were just places where a woman could safely buy a man’s time, tell him what she wants, and then complete the transaction I would totally do that. I did find Cowboys4Angels, which advertises "Straight Male Escorts For Women," but the closest one is in Las Vegas.

Am I crazy? Why is it men can buy sex anywhere but women have to "date"? And yeah, I know I’m old, but I’ve been asking this question for decades. I don’t want the man, I want the fucking (and I swear this is a legit letter). Please answer. 


I went first to my colleagues and followers on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page, where I can always count on a community willing to share knowledge, opinions, and experiences. Here are some of their suggestions:

One reader wrote, "I've heard men from Rentboy.com -- which is a gay male service -- say they either happily take female customers already, or they would be happy to take female customers."

Headshot of sex educator and presenter Sabrina Morgan
Sabrina Morgan
Sabrina Morgan, sex and dating coach and sex workers' rights advocate, agrees. "Contacting a guy on Rentboy.com and asking if he's comfortable with female clients is a great first step, as is looking for straight male escort directories. There's ConciergeDuMonde.com, which has several reputable independents."


Hercules Liotard
How do you find an escort? "If you do a web search for 'straight male escorts' or (although I hate the term) 'gigolos' and the closest large city, you will get various agencies and independent providers that will come up in your area," suggests Hercules Liotard, The Pleasure Coach.

You said you wanted full-on partner sex, but if you or other readers would enjoy an erotic, intimate massage (highly recommended, as you'll read in Naked at Our Age!), check out providers like Hercules, who is based in Los Angeles. Search "intimate massage" and your city to find a provider near you.

Whether you're hiring an intimate massage practitioner or an escort, Hercules has this advice about safety:

The number one key factor for women who hire men for sex is the trust factor. Is this person safe? When talking with the women I work with, this comes up almost every time in the conversation. They chose me because my site was inviting and interesting. I answered their questions and concerns in advance and did not try to rush them into an appointment. I had reviews and a good standing in the community, and that all made them feel safe.

So I would say that any woman should look for these same qualities when contacting anyone. Shop around!  

Photo Credit: Peter Hellberg
Pamela Madsen
Pamela Madsen, Sex and Intimacy Coach and Co-Director of Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, shared these thoughts:

Many women work with Sacred Intimates, Escorts or Sexological Body Workers. It's not so underground anymore! The rules for sexual interaction change from man to man and practice to practice. Sexological Body workers can provide an amazing experience for women who want to experience one-way touch in a very safe environment with boundaries. Women who are looking for two-way touch experiences such as intercourse and oral sex would be better served by working with a Sacred Intimate or an Escort.

No matter who a woman chooses to work with, it's important for her to find out the practitioner's boundaries, STD status, and get references -- as well as find out about pricing ahead of time. Many female sex coaches, like myself, work with men who work erotically with women, and can provide direction and referrals.

Do you have to hire someone if you want a sexual encounter? No. You can find casual sex online with like-minded partners without hiring a professional. Craigslist has a personals ads category titled "Casual Encounters."  (Yes, there's a Sante Fe section, Lucy.) Some of the ads are pretty raunchy, others are straightforward ("looking for..."), and some are quite plaintive ("not much sex from my partner no matter how much energy I put out"). You can search by age if you wish.

Personally, I'd feel nervous and vulnerable using Craigslist for a casual encounter, because you don't know anything about the person placing the ad, but clearly most people do get the results they want, or it wouldn't be as popular as it is. Do I sound unnecessarily cautious, readers?

Sometimes approaching a man whom you meet in your daily life can lead to an interesting and satisfying connection. Seth, a man of our age, emailed me to share his experience:

My casual sex partner is a lady who walked up to me while eating dinner at a restaurant and asked if I could give her a ride home. Wonderful conversation, and when I dropped her off, she asked if I wanted to come in. Conversation continued, and when I got up to leave, she asked if I would like to stay. I did.

We have both continued our connection. It's very straightforward. She calls and asks if I would like some loving. There are times I'll say no. Both of our needs get met. We don't discuss our connection with anyone. So delightful to walk in with sex  on both of our minds. Clothes come flying off. We both enjoy our sexuality. Then we both go back to running our businesses.

What didn't work is a woman who sat down next to me and started a conversation that made it clear she was hitting on me. "Gigolo?" she asked. That felt strange to me and I didn't pursue that line of conversation.

A reader who wishes to remain unnamed recommends AdultFriendFinder.com,a huge sex site with 55 million members that aims to help you find "worldwide sex dates, adult matches, hookups and fuck friends." My reader says,

I was 61 when I started "playing" with AdultFriendFinder. But, of course, you have to be very good at vetting the men who e-mail you. If you do a good job of vetting, you will find that there are a lot of very nice men on there who want to give a woman pleasure, as well as getting their own pleasure, with no strings attached.  

Also, you can find no strings attached sex on some of the free regular dating sites, such as Plenty of Fish and OKCupid. One of the interesting things is that there are so many younger men who are looking for older women. On POF, I found a 31-year-old with whom I had a 4-month dalliance, until he found a woman he wanted to marry, then he broke it off with me. He was very sweet.  

I asked several of the younger men who e-mailed me why they were interested in a woman who is so much older than they are. They all gave pretty much the same reasons: "Older women don't play games. Older women know how to please a man. Older women are comfortable in their bodies." Yup, we are hot stuff!

"Hot stuff" indeed! Let us know how your quest turns out, Lucy!


I welcome your comments, but I do not permit solicitation or attempts to draw my readers to sites for porn, escorts, or any retail sites I have not vetted. If you wish to advertise on this blog to reach our sex-positive seniors, email me. Don't try to submit a comment aiming to get free advertising for a site I haven't approved. It won't work, and it makes me extremely cranky.     

9 comments:

  1. Joan, I half a girlfriend (49) who's used CL for NSA sex many times and it's always been fine ( at least in the sense that she's never felt threatened or unsafe, don't know about the actual sex). She has some basic rules she's shared with me:

    1) email or chat to establish some communality - likes/dislikes, safe sex etc.
    2) best to meet first in a public place to see if there's real life
    chemistry. If not, it's an easier escape.
    3) tell at least one friend who you're with and where you are.
    (That was my job.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. It's impossible to read all this positivity and not get excited about not only my sex life but life in general, as sex is a celebration of life and of the self.

    Thank you all who contributed!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJuly 04, 2014

    I would also suggest she find a Tantra education class that is ongoing. She may find a man in the class that she resonates with that would be willing to help her meet her desires and needs; a Daka

    ReplyDelete
  4. OK Cupid is another good option. Many of the men are looking for casual sex, and are quite open about that. By the way, since you're not far above 60, I suggest that when filling out the form you say you are 59. Even the NY Times ethicist said that's ok as long as you reveal the truth in the paragraph you write - especially if you look relatively long. This keeps you from getting shut out of search results. There ARE men our age or younger who are happy with older women who are enthusiastic about sex. Also, think of your profile as a job application - not just what you're looking for but what you have to offer. What you can do for HIM.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oatmeal Girl, yes, we mentioned OK Cupid. Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Respectfully, though, I am totally against lying about our age. It sends the wrong message, and men feel duped when they learn the truth. You'll have to trust me on that -- I hear it all the time. We need to own our age and if someone screens us out for that, it's his loss. What we have to offer is authenticity -- otherwise, what's the point? Lying on a "job application" is never a good idea.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't see it as lying about your age if you reveal it when you write the description about yourself. The reader learns immediately what you are. It's only a way to get your profile in front of someone's eyes, like not putting your graduation date on your resume. There IS age discrimination in the world. We need to give people a chance to get to know us by slipping past the computer and saying to the waiting person: here I am. I'm 60+ and I'm hot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I see your point if you reveal it in your profile. I'm still on the side of full disclosure from the beginning. Realize that the "computer" doesn't decide what the upper age limit is for potential partners -- those potential partners do. I'll sometimes message someone and ask, "Is your upper age limit firm? Please view my profile before answering."

      Delete
  7. @oatmeal girl I agree with her; dating at 54 online I had a woman on Match.com say age xx on the cover page and then, when you clicked thru for the profile said in the 1st sentence: "OK, so I fudged and fibbed some, I'm not 59 but 61; but then you'd never have clicked thru right? Read my profile and tell me you minded being tricked some."
    I say and have said that "All lovers are liars." We try to tell the truth but love is a journey with MANY moving parts. We have to know the truth to tell the truth and it is so hard to know your own self. I say.
    ....
    thanks Joan for making us think. Yes, after 30yrs of a crumbs for sex marriage, I was SHOCKED some ladies just wanted to fuck. My, my. As a guy I had to slow the train down so as not to get hurt. Honest.
    As I've said before, I dated online for 5 years and got married. It is the only way for seniors to date in my opinion.
    Dan

    ReplyDelete
  8. Check out your nearest senior center.

    I run a website where people post their hookup stories (The Casual Sex Project). Yesterday, a 56yo man posted a story called Senior Sex in which he described a vibrant sexual culture at his local senior center, including plenty of casual sex and threesomes. "Best time of my life," he described it.

    ReplyDelete

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