Saturday, August 17, 2013

Your comments invited for my new book


Update: So many of you emailed me after reading "Sharing Body Heat" on Huffington Post that I still need time to answer you. You sent me extraordinary emails -- moving and powerful. Please be patient because I want to send each of you a personal response. Meanwhile, know that everything you write me is read and appreciated. 

I'm continuing to add new questions and topics to this ever-growing list. Even if you read it when it was first posted a while back, see if there's anything new that intrigues you. Thank you! 

Readers over age 50: I'd love your comments for my new book, The Ultimate Guide to Sex after Fifty, to be published by Cleis Press early in 2015. I'll be addressing the questions, concerns, and topics you've shared with me in the past and continue to share with me. 

I envision this new book as a comprehensive guide to staying sexually vibrant, active, and empowered as your body ages -- and giving you the solid, up-to-date information that will help you deal with the problems that get in your way.

I'd like you involved. I'm seeking thoughtful, illuminating, quotable comments from you on whatever topics matter to you, as long as they have to do with sex after age 50 in all its colors, stripes, and flavors.

This time, instead of presenting reader stories as I did in Naked at Our Age, I'll be using short quotes -- from a couple of sentences to a short paragraph -- from comments you post here or send me directly. I hope you'll get the conversation started by either commenting here or emailing me privately. Your name won't be used, so please be candid. By doing this, you're giving me permission to publish excerpts in my book, without identifying you in any way.

Anything you want to say interests me, and nothing is too weird or outrageous, as long as it's honest. For example:
  • What has changed about your sexuality lately? 
  • What new attitudes, experiences, techniques, or resources make sex better? 
  • What are the myths and stereotypes about older people and sex, and why are they wrong?
  • What challenges do you face personally? 
  • Which likes and dislikes have changed? 
  • How have your relationships grown -- or failed to grow? 
  • What do you desire now that would have surprised your younger self?
  • If you could change something, what would it be?
  • What do you wonder about other people our age?
  • What do you wish our society understood about our sexuality?
  • What do you wish you understood about your own sexuality?
  • What else would you like me to know?

I know people will be interested in what you post here, but if you'd rather tell me privately, email me. I look forward to hearing from you.


7/27-8/17/13 UPDATE: Here are some specifics I'd like to know from people over 50, any gender or sexual orientation. Choose one or two questions that particularly apply to you or interest you, and either comment here or email me a couple of sentences to a paragraph. By doing this, you're giving me permission to publish excerpts in my book. You won't be identified in any way.

If you're in a relationship now:
  • How do you keep it sexually vibrant?
  • What is interfering with having a satisfying sex life?
  • Do you use any of these with your partner: role-playing, reading erotica, watching porn or romantic films, pet names, silly games, sexy games...?
  • If your relationship is not sexually vibrant, what's missing?
  • Do you consider yourself kinky? What form does that take, and what do you love about it?
  • If you and your partner are monogamous, how do you keep sex lively?  
  • If you and your partner are nonmonogamous, what went into that decision, and what are your boundaries / rules / agreements?
  • How did you meet your partner? How did you know that he/she was special?
  • If your relationship is bad, what would make you decide to leave?
  • Have you used counseling to improve communication, sex, or other issues? 
If you're not in a relationship now:
  • What do/don't you like about being single?
  • Do you consider yourself to be in the dating life?
  • How do you meet other singles?
  • Good, bad, ugly about online dating?
  • Do you have or would you accept a "friend with benefits"?
  • Do you use safer sex with a new partner? If so, what safer sex precautions to you take? If not, what goes into that decision?
  • Describe your worst first date (after age 50).

Whether or not you're in a relationship now:
  • What medical conditions have impacted your sex life, and how have you dealt with them?
  • How have sex toys enriched your sexual enjoyment (either solo or partnered)?
  • How have your sexual likes & dislikes changed after age 50?
  • What would you like to try that you haven't ever done?
  • What do you fantasize about, but you wouldn't like to do it in real life?
  • What are the special LGBT issues related to sex & aging?
  • What didn't I ask that I should have?

I'll continue to update this list when different topics come up. Many thanks! Hope to hear from you.

Joan Price

14 comments:

  1. I am single and sixty-six years old. I’m dating a woman who loves cunnilingus but is opposed to fellatio. Unfortunately for me, this is a big part of my sexuality. I am clean, gentle, and not demanding. I focus on her pleasure and love satisfying her. I tried to explain how important receiving oral sex is to me, but she won't reciprocate. This is important enough that I may have to break off this relationship. I just can't see living my life in this one-sided manner.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Barry, I think the desire to please each other is a huge part of a sexual relationship. Your partner should be willing to find some way to look at what pleases you. Is she willing to work her way towards that? Touching, licking..taking the beginning steps?
      If Joan will allow me, I'll share this article I wrote recently about why women should want to please their man--http://betterafter50.com/2013/06/is-it-wrong-to-want-to-please-your-man/ (maybe she'll read it? )

      Delete
    2. Walker, thank you for the link to your article. Readers: you'll need to copy and paste this:

      http://betterafter50.com/2013/06/is-it-wrong-to-want-to-please-your-man

      Delete
  2. A lot of people would say this is a trivial, unimportant thing. A lot of people would be wrong. I suppose you could see this as the tip of an iceberg. I'd be very worried about what sort of damage to expect from the rest of the iceberg.

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  3. AnonymousJuly 03, 2013

    I have nothing but empathy for you, Barry. This is indeed an important part of sexuality, which in turn is an important part of a relationship. If she cares about saving the relationship, she could see a sexologist and explore why she is averse to doing this. You would think she would want to change this attitude, if she loves you and cares about pleasing you. There are many women who love to give Oral.

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    Replies
    1. I'm fascinated by Barry's dilemma because we hear so much about the opposite: women performing fellatio with gusto but rejecting cunnilingus ("I must have an odor", "female genitalia are ugly", "my partner's 'clit-lapping' style doesn't do it for me").

      Why is Barry's lady unwilling to please him in this way? Maybe she's afraid she will disappoint with bad performance. Maybe she's afraid she'll gag on ejaculate. Maybe she doesn't realize that fellatio with a sensitive and wholly participatory man, as Barry seems to be, is not one-sided, but an act of mutual pleasure (I'm not talking 69 here, just saying that in giving pleasure, one receives pleasure).

      She seems to enjoy sex with Barry, but - amazingly - would rather endure the pain of losing him than do something that is central to his enjoyment.

      Delete
    2. Hi, I am 56 and in a new relationship after becoming a widow 5 years ago and out of an unsuccessful relationship of 3 years. My new partner was married for 16years to a woman who would not have sex of any description and then he was alone for 21 years apart from a short relationship with a wonderful woman who restored his confidence but died 3 months into the relationship. He is the most loving and sensual man I could ever want and is gaining some pleasure from our relationship that has been denied him for so many years. He enjoys fellatio but very much enjoys a hand job. Perhaps Barry's partner has a problem with her mouth. She may have been made to eat things as a child that she absolutely hated. This would set up a pattern of response that would be difficult to overcome. A hand job would be a good compromise. She would be in control and if they communicate well he could instruct her exactly how he likes it. Olive oil is excellent for this as it is slightly warming and makes the hand glide more easily. It is very arousing to the woman who feels empowered and generous.
      I find your site very helpful and interesting. It confirms so many things that I learned during my marriage. My beloved husband was 33 years older than me and we had the most amazing sex life that endured up to his 79th year when he became ill. We mourned the loss of it for the five years remaining but even then, the touch of his hand on my stomach sent thrills through me. Sex is about communication, love and trust and the older we get the more we know about all these things. Barry needs to talk with his lady, explain and listen. Then a compromise perhaps will be made and the relationship will progress. She may even trust him enough to do what he most likes.

      Delete
  4. Thank you for sharing your story, widowwithattitude -- so moving and valuable to us. You show us how we move through love and loss -- and love again. I'd like to excerpt a couple of sentences for my new book (without identifying you in any way.)

    FYI, olive oil can be problematic as a lubricant. It's ok for hand jobs (which is what you recommend), but I want to be sure readers know that it's not good for intercourse. It can be difficult to remove from the vagina, can clog pores, and it damages latex, causing condoms to break.

    True, olive oil has been used throughout history, but there are much better options available now in lubricants made specifically for sex.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousJuly 17, 2013

    In the past ten years, our sex life has gone straight down the toilet. From his need for 'visual stimulation', his need for prostate stimulation, his need for speed, and his need for alcohol.
    If I sound angry, it's just the way it is. In our case there is no communication - he wants it and expects it with no frills. No warning, no tenderness, no talk, no way.

    Toys, boys, movies, and books. Plenty good blow jobs, last time the comment was "boy, you're good" (after 35 years that was a revelation).
    After a couple of months of nothing, I got fed up and set up 'porn day' to make a point that I needed attention and wasn't getting it. Result, he found it amusing at first, and whined about not getting any.

    When she asks for touch, it means more than just her clit. When she asks for tenderness, she means more than doing the dishes. When she asks for your attention, it doesn't mean dump your day on her - listen!

    When you try to dress your woman like a porn star, you diminish her value. When you tell a woman that she needs to make eye contact while giving head - open your eyes.
    When you shove your face between her legs and start gnawing - she's done.

    Growth is only possible when both parties choose to grow, not when one just wants a change. When one party needs the change, the dismissal is one mass of pain and profound loss.

    For this woman, it has been a horrendously painful experience - mentally and physically.
    He says he loves me, that he wants sex - but I need tenderness, touch, and without it the attempts at sex cause pain. I don't need pain - I need time, tenderness - without that, I have bupkus.



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, that's such a sad story. I'm sorry you have to endure that kind of life. Why do you stay with this jerk??!!

      Delete
  6. Anonymous, I'm moved by the raw pain in your comment. You've described a married sex life that's one-sided and without connection. I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you tried telling him what you just told us?

    Thank you for contributing your comments to my new book -- I'll use excerpts from what you said. One topic I'm covering is strategies for communicating what you need from your partner. If you email me directly, I'll share some of those with you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Do you consider yourself kinky?

    Yes. I am a 60 year old female slave, baby girl. At 59 I decided to go back into the lifestyle I had abandoned in 1994 - BDSM. As a submissive female with a true slave heart, I am so happy I embraced this aspect of my sexuality again.

    I met my partner recently on a BDSM dating site. My Master/Daddy is an amazing man who I adore serving. I am a masochist and He is a sadist, kind of a match made in heaven for me.

    My sex drive is much higher than during my 50's and I believe it is because I have embraced this dynamic.

    Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm not a reader 50 or older so I'll just make a comment. As a young guy that is crazy about older women. A topic for discussion could be older women (or men) dating younger men (or women).

    And an interesting topic to touch on might be the huge world of older women pornstars.

    Like the women in 50 and 60 plus in magazines and videos

    http://www.50plusmilfs.com/

    http://www.50plusmilfs.eu/

    http://60plusmilfs.org/

    I don't know if it would be for the book or for the blog but it would be interesting to interview or talk with some of the models.

    I'm not necessarily saying to recommend becoming a pornstar
    http://www.bea50plusmilf.com/?ref=50Pright

    I was just thinking of older women comfortable in their bodies and sexuality and enjoying being with or being admired by younger men as beautiful and attractive and sexy.

    But I understand that "porn" might be controversial to some. So maybe not a good idea. I don't know.

    much respect


    ReplyDelete
  9. I've written about younger men/ older women several times, Anonymous. Look for that topic under "Labels" in the right-hand column, and you'll see.

    ReplyDelete

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-- Joan