I just finished your book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex. It was a breath of fresh air to find that I am not that different about my sexual desires, fantasies and needs as other 65 year old people.
I didn’t see you address my specific issue in the book. Namely, I have difficulty ejaculating. It is not that it doesn’t ever happen, it does both with oral stimulation and with penetration sex; just not very often.
My companion really wants to have me reach orgasm inside her, as do I, but too often, I lose my erection before the big moment. Many times it seems there is a lack of continued stimulation after penetration. I don’t “feel” anything. Lubrication isn’t an issue, she has plenty and we aren’t bashful about adding synthetic lube to the equation.
For reasons of knee pain and a few pounds overweight the only position we have found to date and enjoy is her lying on her back and me on my right side with my torso at a right angle to hers. Missionary hurts my knees and I’m too tall, compared to her, for doggie to work comfortably.
Do you have any suggestions to continue the stimulation on the glans of my penis to build up an ejaculation after penetration? Your input will be very much appreciated by us both.
Thank you for your time and providing a non-sleazy forum for us “old-timers” to learn and re-learn new tricks.
Buddy's right -- as comprehensive as Naked at Our Age is, it doesn't answer Buddy's question. So I asked Michael Castleman, M.A., a top health writer, sex educator, and sex counselor, to address Buddy's concerns. Michael Castleman responds:
Your situation is not at all unusual. Older men often develop problems with ejaculation/orgasm for several reasons:
(1) The nervous system becomes less "excitable" with age. This means it takes more stimulation for ejaculation and orgasm to happen. It's also part of the reason you don't "feel" anything during intercourse. Sex therapists often tell older men, "You don't have to ejaculate every time." That's true, but if she really wants you to come inside her, not ejaculating is not going to help.
(2) It's more difficult to maintain erotic focus. Aches and pains can distract from erotic focus, You have some, so they may be contributing to your situation. Have you considered some pain medication before sex? Advil?
(3) Drugs and drug side effects. You didn't mention drugs, but many older people take one or more. Many drugs cause ejaculation problems, and quite a few have side effects that include ejaculatory difficulty, notably, antidepressants. If you're taking medication that may cause ejaculatory problems, ask your doctor if another drug can be substituted.
What to do? Here are a few quick suggestions:
(1) During intercourse, in addition to the old in-out, also stroke your penis by hand (yours or hers). This may provide the extra stimulation you need to get over the hump. (It may take some practice to figure out how to do this.) Or try pressing a vibrator against your penis or scrotum. The extra stimulation may help.
(2) Make love earlier in the day. Many older lover find that at night, they're too pooped to pop. Make love before noon and you're likely to have more erotic energy, including energy for ejaculation and orgasm.
(3) Try some anal massage in addition to intercourse. Now, you may have objections to anal play, and if you do, you're under no obligation to do this. But some men find that adding anal sphincter massage and/or fingering to intercourse helps the man come.
For a more detailed discussion of this issue, visit my site, GreatSexAfter40.com, and click on the Info Library. Under About Men, you'll see an article on Ejaculation and Orgasm problems. Here's the direct URL.
Many thanks to Buddy for his candor and to Michael Castleman for his terrific advice. I invite your comments, readers.