Saturday, May 07, 2011

Mr. Evasive and the date that didn't happen

A year ago, I knew I wasn't ready to date yet (see grief posts), but I wanted to start getting social and meet new people. I was planning a week in New York City for a conference, so I decided to explore finding a few dates for my time there.

I joined OK Cupid and perused the NYC options. I emailed several.

Most weren't interested in meeting with someone from across the country who wouldn't be a relationship possibility, but a couple were intrigued. I ended up meeting one man for a gym workout and a walk. (Tthat's my kind of date!) There were no sparks between us, but it was pleasant.

What I really want to tell you about is the date I did NOT have. I'll call him Mr. Evasive.

Mr. Evasive's profile was appealing and we had plenty in common -- both writers, dancers, teachers, readers, exercisers. We had a jaunty exchange of emails, and finally agreed to meet during my trip. But he never gave me his real name (just his handle) or his phone number. Whoops. I kept asking.

Finally, I'm in NY and he's emailing me plans for our meeting. I replied that he still hadn't told me his full, real name, and that was a prerequisite for meeting.

He admitted that his profile was not completely honest. He shrouded anything identifiable because he needed privacy -- he was "sort of famous" in his profession. He suggested that we meet in at Grand Central Station and he would produce ID and let me phone his workplace for confirmation. But only after we meet in person.

Here are excepts from his long response:
  • I am older than my stated age.
  • I'm better looking and better educated than I present myself, and younger in ways that matter.
  • I am on a site that any felon can get on with any gender age or whatever, looking for ID's to steal.
  • What you write includes fun, instructive, examples of stories from real people. I do Not want to be one, OK?
My response? Exactly what you'd expect:

No, it's not okay that you won't give me your name until we meet (that's completely against my personal requirements for dating, even for dating once). No, it's not okay that you tell me you've posted lies but I should believe you. And I'm a professional writer who writes personal experience, so I don't agree not to write about you if we meet. I think it's best not to meet after all.

Now I'm planning another trip to NY in July -- should I try again?

11 comments:

  1. Sounds like he was demonstrating very sage caution when meeting and arranging dates with strangers on the internet. And I also feel he was clearly setting his boundaries when he made it clear that he did not wish to be the subject of one of your stories - it would be compassionate to respect that request.

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  2. I can understand why you'd be concerned and I support your not breaking your own rules. That said, I can understand why you'd still be curious about this guy. He seems to talk in riddles like the character named Mysterious Man in Sondheim's Into The Woods: "When first I appear I seem mysterious, but when explained I'm nothing serious."

    Sometimes risks lead to great benefits; other times they can lead to catastrophe. My opinion is that this guy doesn't fall into either category! /Carl

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  3. Dana, I didn't say anything that would enable someone to recognize or identify him, or even find him on OKC. I intentionally omitted details that would "out" him.

    Carl, good point about risks/benefits/catastrophe and your conclusion about Mr. E.

    I welcome your comments, everyone!

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  4. Yes, of course try again. Dating is like making sales calls...nothing happens if you don't make the call, or risk the date - when you feel safe.

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  5. You're right, you didn't say anything that would "out" him at all. I'm just in agreement with his caution having myself met a number of "characters" on the internet with dubious intentions. Internet dating is a convenient playground for con artists - both male and female. I don't recommend revealing one's true contact details (name,photo, phone #, etc) until a face to face meeting and even then recommend proceeding with caution. There is a huge segment of the poplulation that preys on dating site participants. I seems to me by both his comments and your comments that you might be two very different people - that might possibly work in a dating situation or it could be a disaster. And, whatever you decide, there are a lotta fish in the sea - all ages, styles, personalities, needs, wants, motives. Keep casting your net.

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  6. Dana, thanks for the additional comment. I thought from your first one that you were peeved that I posted this story when Mr. E. said he didn't want me to, and now I see that you were giving sound, general advice about safety.

    If I had his real name ahead of time, I would have Googled him to learn about him, and it made me nervous that he was avoiding that.

    What a world we live in that we have to be so careful! Remember the days that we went out with anyone who caught our eye?

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  7. I feel some of the same cautions that Mr. Evasive does. I am an internationally known author. If someone googled my full name they would discover that I'm the first posting because of my book. Since I have a home office, they can get my address off my website. I NEVER give my last name to men I date online until after we've met at least 2 times and I've done my own gut check about them in person. I tell them I'm a very private person when I first get to know someone, which I am. The men who are attracted to me and are quality guys don't have a problem with that. They hang in there and we explore together whether we're a good match.

    I also understand his caution around your writing. What if YOU were the scam artist, using online dating sites to get dates with guys only for the purpose of having writing material for your blog?

    The only thing that raises a red flag for me in how you've described Mr. Evasive is his admission that he's older than he's posted. That's a pet peeve of mine. I don't care if they feel younger than their age. Come on, guys, man up and be the vibrant age you are! It smacks of immaturity to me. A man I met online who lied about his age was so desperate to prove to me that he was young at heart, that he seemed pitifully adolescent to me.

    Of course, now you've got another dilemma with Mr. Evasive. If you contact him again, no doubt he'll check out your blog (I'm assuming you've been willing to give him your identity) and he'll see what you and others have said about him. He would probably find it unappetizing to think of going on a date that he knows he'll read about later in your blog!

    Ella

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  8. Ella, what a terrific comment! You've added much to this discussion. "What if YOU were the scam artist" never occurred to me!

    Love your point about age. This bothers me a lot, too, I'm honest about mine (67), but since most people aren't, maybe people reading it think I'm really 77... or 87!

    FYI there were more lies he admitted to posting on his profile, but I didn't publish those because I didn't want him recognizable in case someone comes across his profile.

    I think I wasn't clear about one thing -- my question about trying again referred to finding a new date for NYC, not returning to Mr. E.

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  9. I'm slightly embarrassed to confess that I share some things with Mr. Evasive. I am an older male, have an Ok Cupid profile under the name Panty_Buns, am flirtatious but not looking for a relationship, hesitant to meet anyone, and don't like giving out accurate identifying information. I do like having women check out my profile and comment if they aren't to overly hateful and threatening. Some have been, commenting "Aim, shoot!", saying I should kill myself, and "DIAF". There are some dangerous haters out there. Where I vary from Mr. Evasive is in that on my over 18 blog titled Full Brief Panties Male Modeled I dare women to write about me and republish those photos, write about me and share the videos I've uploaded of myself male-modeling ladies panties on my YouTube channel.

    I also share with Mr. Evasive that the date would probably never happen. I'm mainly looking for pen pals. I should probably not have a profile on OK Cupid.

    I hope you aren't discouraged from dating or looking to meet people around NYC. There are plenty of lonely single older folks out there and undoubtedly many interesting stories to tell.

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  10. Panty Buns, welcome and thanks for your comment. I don't think there's any harm in masking your identity if you have no intention of meeting someone and just want pen pals, but you do need to make that clear on your profile.

    I looked at your profile on OKC and you do say you seek penpals, but not until the end. Think about clarifying this right at the beginning, too.

    I read your account of meeting your great love 42 years ago and having her turn you down. Sounds like you're still grieving that loss. I wish you well.

    - Joan

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  11. You're very welcome for the comment and thank you for messaging me and for your advice.

    The woman I'd made that permanent proposal of marriage to 41 years ago had said she wasn't the type of person who would get married, but that if she ever married anyone she'd marry me. She left to go back to the West Coast and her family 40 years ago though she loved me at the time. She's changed and is much more spiritual now.

    I saw the movie "Love Actually". The memories came back, I looked her up, she was in a relationship, we were in touch, he passed away, she doesn't like me modeling panties on the internet and failing to follow her instructions. I'm an incorrigible exhibitionistic pantied sissy and jackass. I proveke the rejection I can't handle.

    You're right, I'm still grieving that loss. I wrote about it in my latest post titled "A Briefs Update Part 1".

    I really should follow your advice (thank you again) about just seeking blog penpals at the beginning of the profile.

    I should probably also read your book and stop being such a wimp.

    P.S.: I'm following this blog now on Blogger.

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