Wednesday, December 30, 2009

What Surprised You Most about Sex after Fifty (or Sixty and up)?

Vibrant Nation, a marvelous online community of women over 50, asked me this question:

What surprised you most about sex after fifty?

Here's what I answered:
I was amazed at how hot it was!

I fell in love at age 57 with Robert, a 64-year-old artist and dancer who would inspire my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, and become my husband five years later. I couldn't believe how emotionally fired up for sex I was, how gloriously responsive to the kisses and touches of this vibrant man.

We were as lusty and giddy as a couple of teenagers, yet with the emotional and intellectual enhancement of age and experience. We knew, by now, who we were, what we wanted (in life and in a relationship, not just sexually), and how to talk about it. We had made plenty of relationship mistakes in the past, and now we were ready for the relationship we would do right. All of this heightened our sexuality and led us to express it joyfully and loudly.

Does that mean we were just like lust-crazed 20-year-olds with wrinkles? Not at all. My post-menopausal body was slow to arouse, although emotionally I was on fire from the moment I looked into Robert's blue eyes. But that turned out not to be an impediment at all, because Robert was not only willing, but elated, to take lots of time in foreplay (which I prefer to call "loveplay"). He said - and he was embarrassed when I quoted this in Better Than I Ever Expected - "I don’t care if it takes three weeks, as long as I can take breaks to change positions and get something to eat."

I know I had the fortune of loving an amazing man, but I think we are all capable of joy-filled, fulfilling sex at our age if we learn to express (gently) what we need and understand the changes in our partner and in our relationship as we age.

You can also read my response here on, where they're giving away five copies of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty to Vibrant Nation members who answer the question themselves!

If you're a woman over 50, I hope you'll join Vibrant Nation -- it's an interesting and supportive community filled with women sharing experiences, information, and ideas. I've been enjoying spending time there myself.

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