You're asking intriguing questions about sex toys and senior sex lately, both out loud and by email, and I'm hearing some misconceptions I'd like to clear up. I welcome your comments.
Q: Doesn't using a vibrator decrease sensitivity over time so I won't have orgasms as easily?
A: Actually, it's the opposite. As we age, we get less blood flow to the clitoris and vagina, and the vaginal walls get thinner. Most of us need more arousal time and more time to reach orgasm after we're aroused. Vibrators enhance sensitivity by increasing blood flow to the genitals quickly and powerfully, and by directly stimulating the clitoris. (The clitoris is our #2 pleasure hot spot -- #1 is our brain!)
Q: My lover is worried that if I use a vibrator, I'll prefer it to him.
A: Not a chance. A vibrator may give you quicker orgasms (that's what it's made for, after all), but it doesn't cuddle well or kiss or laugh, and pillow talk with a vibrator is really boring. It either buzzes or it doesn't. It's a dull companion -- except when you need a sexual assist.
A: I hate those "should's." Point out to him where his penis contacts you during intercourse vs. where your clitoris resides. And when he arouses you manually, which I hope he does, point out that he's less likely to get carpal tunnel syndrome from your long arousal time if he incorporates a vibrator in arousal play. That's right, it's not a choice between him or it -- make it a threesome: the two of you using the vibrator together.
Q: I had two friends who burned themselves with sex toys. Aren't they dangerous?
A: The cheaper ones are cheap for a reason. They generally have no quality standards in materials or construction -- they're called "novelty items," and I don't recommend them. If your eyes widen at the price of the vibrators I recommend on this blog, consider that I only recommend safe products of medical-grade materials, careful construction, and the best design and function for our older (still sexually passionate!) bodies. You're paying for research & development and high-quality material that won't degrade, leach chemicals, break, overheat, or burn. That's also why I recommend shopping in woman-friendly sex shops (brick-and-mortar or online) with an emphasis on health and education, like the ones I link to.
Q: I've been reading your blog for three years, and suddenly it's sex toys, sex toys, sex toys.A: I've been a widow since August 2008. 'Nuff said?
Please see my many other posts about sex toys here, including reviews of specific products, with links to retailers I personally endorse because they value women and men of our age and treat us well.
Note to retailers: Do not spam my comments section, because I'll delete any comment that takes my readers to a retail site I have not endorsed. If you think you should be included in the retailers I endorse, contact me personally. Thank you.
-- Joan
Posts
This was fun to read and did clear up a misconception I had. But what's with the lamb in your recent photos? Is the lamb a sex toy of some sort? Or does he/she like using sex toys?
ReplyDeleteRobert gave me the toy lamb about four years ago, when I was traveling without him to promote my book. He said it would protect me on my travels, remind me of him, and give me something cuddly to sleep with.
ReplyDeleteI recently bought a digital camera, and I include the lamb in photos because it reminds me of how Robert supported my work, as embarrassing as it was to him sometimes. And it makes me smile!
This week I am going shopping for a dildo or vibrator for my wife (aged 50). It will be her first. We haven't had sex for several years because she says I am too "big" (rubbish say I). Hence I want to get her a toy that she can "exercise" with. Any suggestions - and please don't say take her with me because she would never go into a sex shop (think UK, represed, single sex boarding school, Victorian values, etc). I love her to bits and this is driving me mad
ReplyDeletejekandhyd, you really need your wife's input before picking out a sex toy for her. It needs to be something she wants, otherwise it will feel to her like pressure to have sex.
ReplyDeleteI would guess that if she's having trouble accomodating your size, she would prefer a clitoral stimulator (used on the clitoris, not internally), rather than a dildo (used for penetation). If her vagina has shrunk, yes, small dildo-like products called dilators can help stretch her comfortably.
But SHE needs to choose! Rather than shop in a place that feels too seedy to her, look at the online catalogues of the shops I recommend or Amazon and show her some of the possibilities.
It might be a problem in the relationship that's making her retreat from sex, and a counselor could be a better first stop than a sex-toy shop. If it's been years since you last had sex together, it's time to find out what's the matter -- emotionally, physically, communication-wise -- and let a better sex life be a result of improving your interactions in general.
Obviously I don't know you or your wife and can't be sure what's going on. I applaud you for reaching out for information, and I do hope your wife is willing to talk about it with you and/or a counselor.
This is great. I really had to check this out and it is great.
ReplyDeleteTo the man purchasing a vibrator for wife, so much to say. If you were not "too big" before you stopped having intercourse then she has probably gone into vaginal atrophy. More going on than just shrinking, probably viscosity change - watery. Moisturizer and lub might help, if not estriol cream prescribed by gyn would be helpful. This is a slow, gradual process of stretching the vagina. Dilators work, but they are introduced in stages, follow directions carefully. It can be frustrating at times but until your wife is comfortable with you entering her, don't. You could tear her thinning walls. I'm basing this on her age. Play, have fun, enjoy each other sexually without having intercourse, you might be surprised at all the different styles of sexplay you can create for pleasure. Good luck, enjoy!
ReplyDeleteSusana Mayer, PhD
Clinical Sexologist
Susana, what valuable information! Would you be interested in a guest post on this topic? Let's talk by email.
ReplyDeletei like most of your post...and i am quite happy that still we can make it
ReplyDeleteGreat responses to these questions! :D
ReplyDeleteJoan, what is that purple cone in the picture?
ReplyDeleteKim, that's the Cone Vibrator -- read my review at http://betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/2009/05/vibrating-with-hands-free-cone.html. (If that long URL doesn't hyperlink, copy & paste, or do a search for "cone vibrator" in the Blogger search box at the top of the page.)
ReplyDeleteI am 81 and haven't had sex for 20 years and now am almost obsessed with the desire for it. I have for the first time orderd vibrators which are not easy for me to use due to short arms that make it difficult to manipulate the appliance. My husband has had prostrate surgery and we don't have any sexual partnering. I just can't talk to anyone about this for fear it will be seen as lunacy on my part. I also worry that this desire might be a sign of an other health issue though I am not aware of any.Any helpful information for me?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, yes, I have lots of good information for you. First, please read Naked at Our Age, because I cover many of the topics you bring up: solo sex, vibrators, communication, prostate surgery, ways to please each other without an erection, and so much more.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing the right thing by exploring vibrators -- good for you. Did you notice that I've reviewed dozens of different vibrators on this blog? If arm length is a problem, seek out vibrators that stay put once you place them where you want them.
If you email me directly and tell me the kind of vibrator you want to use, I'll help you find the right one.
I also do phone/Skype consultations, if you think this would be helpful. We can often solve years of dissatisfaction with one hour of discussion. If my information isn't enough to help you bring sexy delight into your life, I'll have referral suggestions.
- Joan