Friday, May 16, 2008

Younger Men Who Desire Older Women

5/15/2008 update: I'm pulling this post up to the top again because of the intriguing comments that continue to come in. For example, be sure to read Mark's second comment, where he says,

In every experience I have had, even those in which it was clear the woman was looking for little more than a boy toy, I always felt valued and well treated. I'm not sure that is always (or even usually) the case when a younger woman gets involved with an older man. Mature women, on the other hand, generally seem to take better care of everyone and everything around them, even their toys. It just seems to be part of their nature. Any thoughtfulness, respect and consideration that's directed at them is responded to in kind.

I never thought of it this way, Mark. It's true that when I was involved several times with much younger men as an older woman, I treated them with great affection and respect, and they treated me the same (except when they didn't, but those are stories that belong somewhere else). I never, never saw them as "toys," though I know some women do, but as wonderful human beings with whom it was my joy to share sensuality and intimacy.

Mark, I've discovered, has a blog of his own here celebrating his relationships with older women.

Readers, if the comments don't automatically display for you below this post, click "comments" and you'll see them. And I hope you'll post your own!

4/23/08 update: Since the January 2008 post reprinted below, I've continued to receive comments and emails from men who love older women. A few ask me to act as a matchmaker for hookups (sorry, that's not my job, but I wish you luck), but most of the men who write earnestly wish to communicate how sexy they find older women. For example, Derek sent me this recent email:

I read your posts on older women/younger men, and granny sex, with great interest and wanted to commend you on them. I'm in my mid-thirties and for many years have been attracted to women much older than me. While I've had great relationships with women my age and younger, the most satisfying relationships have been with women many years my senior. I find the combination of worldliness, wisdom, sexual experience and a lush, mature body completely irresistable. I've been with a number of women in their 60s, some of whom have been older than my mother and/or have children older than me. My lover of several years is in her late 60s, and we continue to enjoy a wonderful relationship that, in addition to friendship and mutual support, includes regular 4-hour lovemaking sessions, fantasy weekends away, and the most potent physical chemistry I've known. It's heavenly. Also, as you seem to be noticing this type of relationship, while very alternative, is being enjoyed by a LOT of people. I hope you give this topic more coverage on your blog.

My original January 2008 post follows here:

The questions and comments from young men who desire older women keep coming. They crave older women. They revere older women. And yes, they find older women incredibly sexy.

I’m not talking about age differences of five or ten years – I mean decades. Here are some samples from my email and from comments on my other blog posts:

· I am 19 years old and love older women. They are much sexier than anything else I can imagine. It’s the feeling of that they have so much to teach you sexually. I have had sex with an older woman and would do it again in a heartbeat.

· I'm male, 27, and just this Christmas had a brief encounter with a mature woman. It was wonderful. We met via internet dating, a good way to meet like-minded people, and she actually approached me first. It just so happens I like older women and she likes men around my age. We had an amazing day and later on she joined me at a hotel. It was like a fantasy come true. Amazing company, amazing sex too and a really warm and loving woman. She will turn 43 this month, and my goodness what a connection we had that day.

· I am 26 and have no problem getting dates with women my age. I'm a young professional and have confidence in my abilities with women my age. However, I am incredibly attracted to older women. I find such beauty in maturity. I work in a professional environment where I am around professional older women all the time. I can't help but fantasize about them. There is something about a woman who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature that drives me wild. Is this wrong? And if it's not, do older women even take men my age seriously?

· I wish I could find an older woman who doesn't say I am too young to have sex with her. I am 21 by the way.

· I am a 49-year-old single man, and I have always been fond of sex with older ladies. In all honesty they drive me wild. I have no interest in any ladies younger than me. Presently have a few senior neighbours.... jeez I only wish.



Some of the younger man who write tell me that their first sexual experience was with a much older woman, and they still treasure the experience:

· I lost my virginity to a woman who was 59 and it was brilliant. She was old enough to be my grandmother and I had known her since I was 5 or 6. I know many people will read this and think that I am making this up but I’m truly not. I loved having sex with her.

· I have always been attracted to older women. I had short relationships with a 60-something-year-old woman when I was 15; a 40-ish woman when I was19; and a woman in her late 30's when I was 21. For me it was a way to have sex, enjoy sex, learn about sex, and experience the whole thing in a sincere, loving way, in a stress-free atmosphere. It was so nice to make love to someone who was calm, enjoyed the experience and could be trusted. A bonus for me was that my older lovers expressed being flattered at being desired by an attractive young man. It felt great to be in this princely or studly role. I’m now 50 and have been married 27 years to my best friend. I find her even more attractive as she gets older, and she likes this.

· I'm 18. I just recently completed a life-long dream of having an older woman take my virginity and teaching me the ways. The only thing is it was a one-time deal but now I'm hooked on older women. I love their maturity and knowledge.

I often hear from single women who complain that men their age are seeking younger women and don’t seem to value what an older woman brings to a relationship, both in and out of bed. These comments from young men show an interesting flip of the coin, don’t you think? Of course I’m not recommending staking out the local teen center to get a date, but don’t rule out mature young men who express interest in you, if you feel interest and attraction, also.

I’m posting these comments today to invite more discussion from young men in this situation, older men remembering these experiences, and from women of all ages. I look forward to reading your thoughts.

(Note: On other blog posts on this subject , I discussed some of the questions these young men have, such as how to meet older women, talk to them, and read their signals.)

19 comments:

  1. And there's also the flip side to this coin. Young women who like older men.

    I've always been attracted to older men (as well as people my own age) and it's for many of the reasons that were listed there. The wisdom and maturity they show... and the sexiness as well. Someone once said something like "women age, men get more distinguished", and, oh, is it true.

    When I was 18 I had a relationship with a 52 year old. It was wonderful... we met on an intellectual level as well as had a fantastic time in the sack. He cared about getting me off as well as himself, and didn't care if it meant not having penile/vaginal intercourse. We're really good friends today... now he's more like a 2nd father to me.

    For me at least, it's not really about the age, it's about how well you click. I can think of at least 3 friends with benefits I have that are (technically) old enough to be my father, and what matters is what we have in common as friends and if we have fun in bed, not our ages.

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  2. Oh, how I wish I could find one of those sexy younger men! I'm 70, and nowhere near ready to give up the idea of sex. I've been told I don't look or act my age, it's only a number, but it seems more like a jail cell to me. All by myself just doesn't get it!

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  3. Here’s my love letter to all the younger men who flirted with me during the last few years:

    I love all of you so much. I was thinking I was old and fat. I was going through the change of life. Your smiles made me know that sex was not over. Your attention made me go back to the gym and become two dress sizes smaller. Your younger minds woke my tired mind up again. You helped me be a sexy woman again, after a time of giving up. You helped me find a part of myself -- and not just a sexual part -- that I had all but forgotten was there. Even when it was just smiles and a twinkle in your eyes, you gave me such a splendid gift. Thank you.

    In case anyone is wondering, no, I didn’t have intimate relations with all these guys, or even most of them. Sometimes it was because the guy didn’t want to do more than flirt, sometimes because I didn’t want to go farther. But the attention made all the difference to me during a difficult time of my life.

    Now it’s showing, my own ageism, which we all have. Maybe the lesson in this is every age is great, younger, older, and in between. And that love doesn’t always cotton to our self imposed boundaries about who we’re “supposed to” be with.

    At 55 I would probably tell the 21 year old he was too young for me too, 20 somethings generally feel like “my kids” to me. But maybe this man could start with some younger older women and work his way up. :)

    When I was 22 I missed an opportunity to have sex with a man who was about 70. He was into health foods and taught me a lot about this, knowledge which has served me very well over the years. He took me out for a lovely old fashioned date which was such a rarity in the 70’s. My more erotically open girlfriend told me he was awesome sexually. I just couldn’t bring myself to go there with him, and probably missed some of the best sex of my life.

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  4. Paula, what a beautiful love letter to these men in your life. Men -- do you see how affirming it can be to let your attraction show, even if it's just a flirtation that does not need to lead anywhere. It may put a smile on the lips and in the heart of the woman you find attractive. And she, like Paula, may use that flirty energy to fuel her self-confidence or get her through a difficult time. Thank you, Paula, for sharing this!

    -- Joan

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  5. Yes! And letting your attraction show could result in sex too. :)

    It might be worth repeating here that, for me anyway, confidence counts much more than looks (and height) when it comes to what makes a man sexy.

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  6. Wow ~ do I ever relate to Paula. I am 63 and I have a young lover (my first REALLY younger man)who is 40 years old. In my youth, when my friends were all looking for the "older" man, I seemed to always be with slightly younger man. Then I married, was a widow, then married again, (both older but in my range). My last marriage was very turbulent, and the last7 years celibate ~ I had truly given up on sex or any thought of it. My young lover has turned me completely around. I feel younger, more vibrant, more sexy, more beautiful and most definitely more fulfilled than I ever have in my life before. Thank you to him for opening my eyes, my heart and soul to the possibilities that I didn't even know existed any longer for me. Bless those young men who find older women to be just as sexy (but maybe in different ways!) than our younger counterparts! My life truly began at 62!!!

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  7. In my own experience I have been finding out that among older women there is much more interest in younger guys than almost anyone ever wants to admit. The stigma society attaches to such attraction really limits how much any of it is talked about publicly. However, what people are willing to talk about publicly and what they are willing to consider doing privately are two very different things. That's why trust, respect, and consideration are such important prerequisites to the majority of these relationships. Guys my age need to understand this if they find themselves interested in a particular older woman and want to pursue her. For me initially, it wasn't that I understood things on a conscious level, but rather it was that I already had the behaviors. There was a lot of luck involved in this. Having been raised almost exclusively by a very strong, confident, intelligent and independent single mother, I learned to respect and even gravitate toward women with those traits. On a subconscious level it was what I found familiar and comforting. Behavior was established early in me that other guys might have to learn over the course of several years of adulthood through their relationships with women.

    Over the past couple years I have been astonished at the number of older women who are secretly open to the possibility of at least a fling with a guy my age. For the most part all I had to do in each case was establish the fact that I respected her, would be considerate of her, and that she could trust me. Once those things were clear, she would begin showing signs of interest and setting up opportunities for us to spend time alone together.

    The experiences I've had with older women have all been really amazing. In each case, I think we were both surprised and even overwhelmed at how well we bonded. Most have wanted (or needed) to keep things very discreet though, and that does represent a limit on these relationships and their potential to evolve to something which feels complete.

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  8. Carol DenkerApril 27, 2008

    I just read Joan Price's book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty. I bought it because I ran into the title during research I was doing for my own book, Autumn Romance. Then I got it, plus a nifty little book by Joan that's all about exercises you can do when you have no time. I was so glad I'd gotten them! And so so impressed, by both. Better Than I Ever Expected is so well written, not just a collection of anecdotes. And here's what's funny: I am 63 and I thought I had nothing much to learn..my sex life is great, just got married, etc. But then I read the whole thing straight through and it had so many interesting things in it. I particularly liked the description of older sex as often spiritual--this is an exciting phenomenon and I was glad to see it written about and so well. Also Joan included specific hints that I found helpful. I learned a lot!
    Carol Denker

    caroldenker@comcast.net

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  9. Great topic, Joan! I've answered several reader's questions on this topic in my "Ask Dr. Romance" blog. I think older women are living entirely different lives from our mothers and grandmothers.

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  10. I have heard stories that in ancient matrilineal societies it was the role of older women to teach the younger men about sex, like how to be really good lovers. Perhaps there was a similar thing with the older men and younger women too.

    I really like what Mark says here. Chalk one up for feminist* moms and their great sons.

    * okay maybe not the right word anymore. My younger -- strongly independent -- girlfriends say "I'm not a femimist, I like men." How did this happen? But the idea is the same, call it what you will.

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  11. Thank you, Paula. I'm always a little nervous talking about the experiences I've had with older women because there is definitely a code of secrecy maintained about such things. But despite our society's general messages of denial and disapproval, these relationships are happening, and a lot. They are just being kept secretive for the most part. In my case the experiences have all been incredibly positive and enriching. In every experience I have had, even those in which it was clear the woman was looking for little more than a boy toy, I always felt valued and well treated. I'm not sure that is always (or even usually) the case when a younger woman gets involved with an older man. Mature women, on the other hand, generally seem to take better care of everyone and everything around them, even their toys. It just seems to be part of their nature. Any thoughtfulness, respect and consideration that's directed at them is responded to in kind. It makes for a very strong bond potentially.

    I can see how it might benefit society as a whole if it were considered, as in the ancient matrilineal societies you mentioned, the role of older women to teach the younger men about intimacy and sex. For one thing, young men would be able to avoid some of the awkwardness and insecurity we experience while stumbling through our early experiences with women.

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  12. Ok.
    Here's my take on the whole issue.

    First off, I have always been so physically and mentally attracted to mature Women, I grew up in a single parent household with my Mother and my Sister, Oh, by the way...my Mother has done nails since I was a young lad, so being surrounded constantly by beautiful older Women didn't help my "attractions".

    So, here's the deal, "older Women". Why am I so attracted to them? Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate all different types of Women...and do- big ones, little ones, white ones, black ones, etc...

    But back to the subject, pop culture (especially in my generation) has shoved in young men's faces, this image of beauty by rewarding idiocracy from....Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, etc..just those two main examples of what we see from the behavior of young Woman is a turn off to a lot of young Gentlemen, and a alot of people are turned on by their behavior, but at heart we they aren't, because at heart we're all getting older, and there is nothing wrong with being genuine, sincere, lovely. Since I was young, I never took much interest in girls my age, never really cared, not when you had what I had to look at at church!

    Bottom line, Men are becoming more attracted to mature Women because they want just that...Maturity, we're getting our fill of immaturity from everywhere, and some men (I say some because there are a lot of moron's out there to) have started to realize that there is a big secret that's not so secret anymore, and it's not just that you make beautiful lover's, I'm getting turned on just thinking about it, but you make the best companions, and it's only sad that young Women can't learn a lesson and start living with as much Grace and Wisdom as their Grandmother does, because they have it, as do the young Women (it's built in).

    And Ladies, find a young man to teach something, I gaurantee you will change his life for the better.

    Sorry to make this so long but, just a couple of things..

    1. Don't color your hair, White/Gray hair is such a turn on.

    2. Don't ever regret aging, let it happen, the penalty of being born is the penalty of having to die, we are all getting older at the very same time, and myself being 24, may not see tomorrow, don't dwell on things you can't control- Time being the main thing.

    Love you all.

    "O"

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  13. I have been fortunate to enjoy two encounters with women who were significantly older than me.
    When I was almost 35 I enjoyed a relationship with a woman who had just turned 50, that was the fulfilment of a fantasy, I had long had urges and sexual feelings about the more mature lady.
    At the age of 40 I had the pleasure, in many different ways, to enjoy a short but passionate fling with a lady aged 68. Her hair was grey, her skin had lost the youthful bounce, but she had lost none of her sexual desire. I can honestly say that the times I shared her bed were the best sexual encounters of my life.

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  14. I am a 19 year old male and if i had the chance to be with a older mature woman it would be one of my biggiest fantasy's come true. I hope at some point in my life this comes true!

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  15. I discovered older women, or perhaps you could say older women discovered me, at the age of 18 as I attended a commuter college with great age diversity. Lots of older working women taking night classes. I can remember being chased around by this 30 year old divorcee with kids nearly my own age ... ah, those were the days.

    Anonymous above with the 68-year-old friend reminds me how completely blown away I was to discover after making out with my friend's sexxxy aunt (at his wedding reception! Yeah, sorry bro) that she was 68! ... ("That's impossible," I thought. "She was enjoying it!") I was about 25 at the time. I had had such encounters (fooling around in bars) with women in their 40s or early 50s, but I thought 68 was just awesome. I feel proud to have done my part to help granny (or at her age, maybe GREAT-granny) stay bad.

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  16. i am over age 70 and just discovered that i have so much passion, i can hardly contain it. It started when a younger man looked at my breasts, it was like a match set to a dynamite keg. A volcano eruption! I had prevoiusly ignored my sexual needs because my husband has been impotent for 15 years. You just owuld not belive the fantasies that i have, the pleasure is incredible, that I never had before in my entire life. I wish i could go to bed with that man, but he is married and i am married. I bought a sex toy but i would really like to be touched and hugged. I want to try the Kareeza method of love making, but need a real body! What to do?

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  17. i am over age 70 and just discovered that i have so much passion, i can hardly contain it. It started when a younger man looked at my breasts, it was like a match set to a dynamite keg. A volcano eruption! I had prevoiusly ignored my sexual needs because my husband has been impotent for 15 years. You just would not belive the fantasies that i have, the pleasure is incredible, that I never had before in my entire life. I wish i could go to bed with that man, but he is married and i am married. I bought a sex toy but i would really like to be touched and hugged. I want to try the Kareeza method of love making, but need a real body! What to do?

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  18. AnonymousJune 29, 2012

    hi i am an attracted 26 year old man. i have always liked girls my age but since about 21 i started liking to date older women. first it was like a relationship and i was 21-22 and she was 34-35, so it was not that big a deal. and i had a couple other relationship like that where the age difference was only maybe 15 years at the most. but the last couple years 24-26, i have had fantasies of having JUST a casual sex relationship with an even older mature lady, like beyond a MILF, maybe you could say a GILF. i don't know why but i have been extremely attracted sexually to certain ladies in their 50's and early 60's. maybe it's because some of them have hit on me when i am walking my dog around my neighborhood. even ladies with grey hair. but also i think it's b/c i get aroused out of a casual sexual partner that is a much older lady. and the fact that her satisfaction from me would make me feel good. the only thing is, even though i have had chances because older ladies in the 50's-60's have hit on me, i don't exactly know how to approach it b/c i have never been with such an older woman. but god are they sexy!! some women like wine get better with age, some don't....and i hate wine, LOL

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  19. What wonderful stories. I hope I get to experience, and perhaps share, something like this.

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