Friday, October 19, 2007

Where are hot tips for solo sex?

Another reader has taken me to task for my neglect of solo sex in my posts. She wrote this as a comment on "10 Tips for Hot Sex after Sixty":

These are great ideas, but once again the presumption that “hot sex” is for couples only is very apparent.

I don’t think it’s very realistic or fair to imply that when we’re over 60 we’ll of course have, or necessarily even want, a partner. In fact it’s not realistic or fair to assume this about people of any age.

The article doesn’t specify whether the couple is a man and woman, or two people of the same gender, which is good. I think it would mean a lot to readers who don’t have partners if another article followed this one with hot tips for solo sex, emphasizing how good that can be too.

This article could more accurately be called “Hot Tips for Couples Over 60.” Then it wouldn’t be supporting the Western cultural misconception that good sex is only about pairs of humans.

OK, I'm working on my “Hot Solo Sex Tips for Singles Over 60” now. Stay tuned -- and feel free to contribute your own!


  1. That brings upm the problem of couples over 60 who are sexually incompatible. What to do?

  2. Paula, age 55October 22, 2007

    In answer to Harry's query:

    I'm married to a wonderful man who I love deeply, but we are sexually very far apart, as in I'm much more into it than he is. So I do a lot of sex for one, which I really enjoy. I also have a lover "on the side" who I see occasionally and who has actually become a good friend of both myself and my husband.

    I discussed having a lover with my husband about three years ago, and he agreed to this. No he's not 100% happy about it, but he wants me to be happy. I do my best to be discreet about my dates with my lover.

    My husband and I started out being sexually compatible, and have been together almost 12 years. We're best friends. Over the years we've just grown apart sexually, but everything else with us is great, and we still have sex together once in a while.

    Thank goodness for self pleasuring! I'm looking forward to learning what Joan has to teach about this. There's always more to learn.

    I think men going it alone can get some good ideas from reading Mantak Chia, who writes about Chinese sexual techniques. Self pleasuring techniques are referred to as "self cultivation" which I think is a much more descriptive term than the pejorative words Western culture uses.

  3. My wife has serious emotional problems and refuses to go to counseling, although our doctor has tried to encourage her, so any sex I have is by myself. I am 66 and take medications which largely prevent any erection so my self sex is largely anal with various size dildos and butt plugs which I find quite pleasing and exciting - no I am not gay nor have any interest in other men. Sex toys are a very important alternative for solo sex and age should be no factor. There is such a wide variety of toys out there most people can find something which they are comfortable with.

  4. paula, age 55November 12, 2007

    This is an update for anyone checking in on this thread who may be in a similar situation to mine.

    I broke up with my lover this past weekend, after realizing that he doesn't want to put in the time needed to be considerate of my feelings and let me know I'm important to him. I'm also realizing that he's been telling me things he thinks I want to hear instead of the plain old truth, which disrespects my intelligence.

    When he paid attention to me he was great to be around and we had some awesome sex together. I have the blues about losing him, but he's just in too many places at once for me to feel cared for and respected enough to stay with him.

    Still we had six months which was overall pretty darn good, especially if you consider how difficult it was to put an arrangement like this together.

    The attitudes of people in my community have not been helpful. My close friends have all been against my having a lover outside my marriage, even though this was a carefully considered decision, and I did all I could to respect my husband's dignity and our privacy. People just don't get it that I need this very much, that I have good reasons for doing what I do. One result of this right now is I have no one to talk to about this who's in my corner.

    I'm not going looking, but I'm open to another similar situation happening. Maybe the next one will work out better. I think this time I would be open to a woman lover or another man.

    Arrangements like the one I've described are not at all easy to come by and not easy to maintain. One of the biggest problems is having to have the appearance in public of "this is just a friendship." and not being able to talk about certain things or express affection except in private. Another is lack of support from the community.

    I've never been one to try and "steal" another woman's man, and have always done my best to be ethical and straight up about affairs of the heart. I was faithful to these two guys too. I think right now I'm being misperceived. I'm sure there are people calling me a whore behind my back.

    Women's (and really everyone's) erotic expression has been held in chains for so long that our society had come to accept that as the norm. I'm here to break the chains and open up new possibilities for myself, and by that, for others.

  5. Why call it "Hot Solo Sex Tips for Singles over 60?" Why not leave out the word "singles"? Sometimes even if you have a partner, you still want solo sex. Masturbation is NOT just a replacement for when you can't get partnersex, but rather is an important part of anyone's sexual repertoire.

  6. Solo Sex at any age is a wonderful blessing, but as we get older it can be even more so. I can tell you it has been a great benefit to my marriage. I regularly masturbate, and do so with my wife's blessing since I want more sexual pleasure and release than she does. My solo sex moments have taken the pressure off our marriage, and make our times together much more relaxed, and enjoyable.


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