Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Faking Orgasm: Why?

I've been reading Flings, Frolics, and Forever Afters: A Single Woman’s Guide to Romance after Fifty by Katherine E. Chaddock & Emilie Chaddock Egan (Ten Speed Press, 2005). This self-help action plan for finding romance gives advice applicable to singles of any age who want to enter (or re-enter) the dating scene, with just a few tips specifically targeted to our age group, such as getting your adult children to accept that you’re dating again.

Though the section on sex is only one chapter, it's a long chapter, and very specific, including the need for safer sex. Most of the advice is okay -- though of course not as splendid as in Better Than I Ever Expected -- but I really didn’t like the command to “have an orgasm: real or fake” and the explanation that it’s harmless and "it will make him feel great." I don't think so! What man would feel great knowing his partner just faked an orgasm? Oh, I forgot -- the point is that he wouldn't know. That's so manipulative that I shudder. And how would it help your future sex life, if he thinks he's figured out how to set off your personal fireworks and will keep repeating a technique that actually didn't do it for you?

I also didn't like the suggestion to sneak off to the bathroom to apply a lubricant. "You want him to think you are juiced because of him, not because of a gel in a tube." Boo. There's nothing to be ashamed of if we no longer lubricate freely, if our hormonally deprived bodies don't match our emotional juiciness. Make applying a lubricant part of the love play and ask your partner to do it for you, and it can be very sexy. Each time one of you reaches for the bottle of Liquid Silk, you both know what's about to happen. So much sexier than running into the bathroom and returning suddenly (and artificially) moist!

Here's the bottom line, as far as I'm concerned: If you can’t communicate honestly with a partner what you need for comfortable, pleasurable sex and what you need to reach orgasm, what are you doing in bed with this person?

What do you think?


  1. I don't like or understand the attitude that women need to "pretend" anything about sex. I want a woman to be authentic with me. If she needs help with lubrication, I'm capable of understanding that without thinking I'm not "man enough" to get her moist! Give me some credit!

    I love it when my partner has an orgasm with me. I would hate it if she lied about it. What more is there to say?

  2. I think that your attitude is great, except it also needs to be followed with "Also, know that an orgasm isn't necessary for a good experience in bed."

    I have a hard time orgasming from sex. Always have. (Heck, it's only been in the last year that I've figured out how to orgasm regularly from masturbation. I used to come maybe 2x a YEAR before that, if that.) I had partners that would get upset if they couldn't bring me to orgasm... they got their kicks from me getting my kicks. There's also people that think that if you don't orgasm, that they're not good lovers. This simply isn't true. Once I started being able to bring myself to orgasm, I no longer worried about trying to come with every act of sex. And doing that liberated me to enjoy the awesome feeling of sex just as it was and to have a good time. And then I have to convince my partners not to worry about bringing me to orgasm, but just worry about giving me a good time, as well as them having a good time themselves.

    (This whole trend of "I'm only having a good time if you come" is rather worrisome. What about your own pleasure? Why is it that you only get off if I get off? 1.) it puts a lot of stress on me [which almost guarantees that I'm not going to come] and 2.) being aroused by my orgasm is fine, but if it's the only thing that does it for you, that doesn't seem quite right. Why can't you enjoy your own pleasure and being pleasured yourself?)

    I think the more that we teach people that orgasm is NOT the end all, be all of sexual pleasure, the more people will start enjoying the sex they're having and not getting all bent out of shape over orgasm. (And, ironically, they might start having more orgasms.)


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