Saturday, August 04, 2007

Woman, 58, "heavier size," wonders how to attract men

"Sassy" wrote me and asked,

How does one who is 58 almost 59, on the heavier size find someone who would want to go out with her… other than married men?? I do not want to ever get involved with a married man. I’ve been hurt because someone else has stepped in and has taken my man and I don’t ever want to do that to anyone!

Sassy, I don't know why you think your options are limited to married men, just because you see yourself as heavy. Some single men are looking for slim women, yes, but many prefer women on the curvier side, and still others are looking for an emotional and intellectual connection that isn't restricted to a particular waist size.

If the problem is, however, that your weight makes you feel unattractive, that might be what's getting in the way of you attracting the men who interest you. We all have an intuitive sense when someone feels undesirable and self-critical, and that's not a come-hither quality. Please look at whether you're happy at your weight. If not, there are ways to change that. (You'll see on my website that I've written several books about fitness and have recommendations of both books and videos for people who would like to get in better shape.) If you are happy the way you are, walk proudly with a swing in your step and a twinkle in your eye, and show the world that you know you're got a lot to offer.

Since you brought up not wanting to get involved with a married man -- there's a terrific book out now: The Other Woman: 21 Wives and Lovers Talk Openly about Sex,Deception, Love, and Betrayal, edited by Victoria Zackheim. Some of the essays reflect the point of view of the "other woman," others are the wives suffering through their husbands' affairs. The book is strong, stark, and honest.

2 comments:

  1. Joan has expressed something which I've been thinking about a lot lately. "We all have an intuitive sense when someone feels undesirable and self-critical, and that's not a come-hither quality." How well put that is.

    Lots of men friends and my husband have told me that some men actually like heavier women. Check out that scene in "Waiting to Exhale" when the hairdresser meets the attractive neighbor and he tells her he likes larger women.

    Also compared to the female stick figures Hollywood is parading around these days as "sexy" (not! in my opinion) almost everyone is fat. And thank goodness.

    To add to what Joan said, here's my advice on how to begin to change one's body, if that's what one wants to do, which the poster has maybe heard already, but which I'm repeating anyway. :) Get naked and stand in front of a full length mirror in flattering light. Find something about your body which is beautiful. Forget comparisons. Set aside what past lovers, husbands, your parents or your friends have said. Just look with a fresh eye. When you start to see your own unique beauty and accept yourself as you are right then and there, it's easier to change your body. You're simply enhancing what you already have. And you might find that you don't need to change your body as much as you thought you did, that it's already fine like it is.

    I might point out that at the end of "Waiting to Exhale," a movie which I greatly identified with even though I'm not African American, the "heavy" hairdresser has finally found a man, while two of her thinner friends are still unattached and the fourth one has just the possibility of a good relationship with a lovely man whose wife is ill and dying.

    I know this really sexy guy, white, about 30, who can have almost anyone he wants, who I almost always see on dates with large women.

    This business about women needing to be thin to be attractive is mostly about people trying to sell us things and put more money in their pockets.

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  2. I can't believe I haven't commented on this before!

    Sex for people of size is one of my favorite topics, especially because I'm fat and I'm attracted (almost exclusively) to fat lovers!

    I highly recommend getting a copy of the book "Big, Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size". It covers everything from dealing with esteem issues to attracting partners to good sex positions for fat people! It's written by a wonderful writer, Hanne Blank, who is a gorgeous big, beautiful woman herself. I have a copy of this book, and I've bought multiple copies to give out to others.

    Also, remember that attraction and sexiness is about confidence and presentation, not about weight. (Personally, I'd also like to put in there that it's about intelligence, too, but that might just be me.)

    However, at Joan... you insinuate that all fat people are out of shape when you say "Please look at whether you're happy at your weight. If not, there are ways to change that. (You'll see on my website that I've written several books about fitness and have recommendations of both books and videos for people who would like to get in better shape.)" This most certainly is not the case... in fact, some of the technically 'morbidly obese' fat partners I've had were in much better shape than some of my skinny friends!

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