Feb. 12, 2010 update: I'm bringing this older post up to the front again because of all the questions I'm getting on the same subject. I get more emails from younger men -- age 18 to 40something -- who are attracted to much older women (usually 60+) than any other topic!
So I'm resurrecting this post and inviting comments from both young men about what attracts them to older women and from older women about how a younger man can find them and make contact. Are any of the online dating sites especially good to help younger/older connect?
Note: I am NOT matchmaking here, though many young men have begged me to post their email addresses. No, can't do that, folks. And guys, please don't ask me personally to hook up with you! That kind of request -- yes, I do get them -- feels creepy, and I won't even answer to tell you to stop it. Just stop it. And no, I don't need to know how big your penis is.
So, that said -- what do you younger men and older women want to ask or say? Please post a comment here. And please see other posts on this topic here.
Leopardy is a 22-year-old male in Australia who likes older women. He emailed this story to me:
I've had 2 women in my life (sexually only). Great fun, I must admit, but it tears you apart when the bad has to come up. I like older women for their maturity and for their gorgeous features, such as lips, hips, legs, and fragrance, mmmmmmm. I admit I find it rather hard to find the perfect older woman as they all tend to lead me on then shoot me off which hurts like hell.
I met a woman online back in 2004. After 3 months chatting I gave her my details and she came up here. We had sex, and then she really got abusive and threatened me with police threats etc. She told her so-called friends about me and said what a pathetic useless peice of shit I was.
I'd like to know how to approach older women. I just want a woman that can understand me, one that takes me for who I am and NOT degrade me in any way.
Thank you for been so supportive and having a wonderful site. I can't even recall how I got hold of your site, but I was amazed and immediately added it to my favourites.
Leopardy, I encourage you to get to know the older women who attract you before you jump into bed with them. Those who are looking for quick fun probably won't value you the way you want. It's fine to seek a match online, but if you seem to connect, please take some time dating and becoming friends so that you know who she is and she knows you.
That might mean you don't get the instant pleasure and excitement of sex with a stranger who seems to fit your fantasy, but if what you're looking for is a respectful relationship, that takes time to unfold and nurture.
That doesn't answer your question about how to approach older women. I'll repeat the suggestions I gave Sean:
1. Converse, listen (very important!), and flirt as you would with a woman of any age. Yes, she'll recognize the signs. She might be shy about letting you see her signs, in case she fears she's misreading yours, so keep her talking.
2. Don't rush things along -- she wants to know she interests you as a person, not just a potential bed partner.
3. Look into her eyes a lot. Really listen and respond to what she's saying.
4. Lean towards her to give the body signal that you're interested. Watch for these signs from her: eye contact; leaning towards you; arms relaxed (not crossed in front of chest); playing with hair, clothing, or jewelry.
5. After a nice, long conversation, where you feel there's a connection, you might ask her outright: "I wonder if there's any reason I should not ask you out."
6. If she says, "I'm old enough to be your mother," you can ask, "I really like the maturity and intelligence of older women. The question is, am I too young to interest you?"
7. If you're really brave, carry a copy of my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty
and carry it around. When she asks about the book, say something like, "I find older women very attractive, and I hope this book will help me understand them better -- in all ways."I'd love to hear from readers about this topic. I know many readers come to my blog seeking information about older women/younger men relationships, so please contribute yours.
-- Joan
Posts
Wow, what an experience, I know other people who have met people of questionable character on line, so I agree with Joan on being careful about that. Not that meeting on line is necessarily a bad idea, but, yeah, definitely get to know the person before you have sex with them.
ReplyDeleteMy former massage therapist, a wonderful man about 15 years older than me, once told me that if I wanted to know if a man was going to stick around, make him wait for sex. If he will, it’s likely he’s there for a respectful relationship, not just a one nighter. I think that rule could apply to anyone, and could apply here.
I think in general older women have a different agenda for the men in their lives than younger women do. Younger women are looking for someone who would be a good daddy as well as a good partner and lover. Even if we consciously don’t want children, we still have this “mommy brain” when we’re in our younger years. Older women are just looking for a good lover and partner, or maybe just a good lover.
Older women, in spite of having a simpler agenda, are generally more picky about men. We’ve learned through experience what we want and don’t want, what we like, who we’re looking for. So younger guys should not get discouraged if they’re turned down a few times.
I wrote more about older women and younger men in my comment on the story about Sean.
Joan is right on with her flirting advice!
HI my name's chris and i'm 18. i just recently completed a life long dream of having an older woman take my virginty and teaching me the ways. Thing only thing is it was a one time deal but now i'm hooked on older woman i love their maturity and knowledge. The only thing is i'm not sure of any sites where i can meet and talk with them. Evrywhere i find is you have to pay, and i don't believe that i should pay for love so can anyone help me thanks chris.
ReplyDeleteChris, that's wonderful that your first experience was so satisfying, and with an older woman! I'm sure some older women seeking younger men do hang out online, but speaking as an "older woman" myself, I would much prefer to meet a man in person during an activity that we both enjoy and let the relationship evolve if the sparks fly during conversation. I suggest you engage in social activities you enjoy where older women are plentiful, and get to know them as people first.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in my early fifties, I had a marvelous series of interludes with a man half my age. I met him dancing, one of my favorite activities. When we danced together the first time, I was enticed by his natural scent -- I felt powerfully attracted and wanted to dance closer.
We started conversing, and a few days later, we were lovers. (Yes, I jumped into sex more quickly in those days!) It wouldn't have happened if we hadn't met in person engaging in a common interest.
I am 38 and have been with my husband who is 42 since I was 17. My husband used to want to have sex every day if not more often. I of course did not want it as often as he did but tried my best to accommodate him for many years. Around the time I turned 35, I noticed a huge jump in my sex drive, I would say 3 times a day, every day would now satisfy me. All I think about it sex and my orgasms are explosive, usually having multiples back to back.
ReplyDeleteWhat I am writing about however is my disappointment with my husband. It seems our roles have reversed. He no longer wants to have sex as often, mainly only on the weekends. I am very frustrated. I thought this is what he wanted all these years, a wife who wanted to have sex as often as he did. He claims he still wants me and wants to have sex but, gives a long list like I used to as to why “now” is not a good time. Is there any hope his sex drive will return?
It seems unfair to give myself to a man all these years and not have him reciprocate. I feel resentful, rejected, and hurt. I have always been faithful to him. However, I admit I fantasize about an affair or even leaving my husband for a younger more virile man. It would be nice to have a man keep up with me, not fall asleep on me. Yet having been with one man so long, I worry that a younger man would not find me attractive, or only want me just for sex. Is this true? Are there sexy men out there in their twenties that want a woman my age?
If I end up staying with my husband I think I should to go back on the pill or something to rid myself of my sex drive. I’d rather not have one then to feel this way. Is this it? If I stay with him will I be subject to years more of frustration?
Lonely in Thirties
Lonely, I found your comment so compelling that I devoted a whole blog post to it at http://betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/2008/01/what-to-do-when-your-sex-drives-arent.html.
ReplyDelete-- Joan
hi im a 20 yr old male and i gotta admit older woman are better than girls my age - older girls know how to treat a man and i been with one for a while and she looks after me and takes care of me when it comes to everything! - i respect her and i treat her how i would like to be treated - shes 20years older than me and i dont see age as a problem because shes a really nice woman deep down inside,im happy and i believe thats all that matters.shes taught me alot of things that only a woman can tell - older woman are beautiful LOVERS!!
ReplyDeleteJoan has it down with how to flirt and get to know someone, except keep the book at home. I'm sorry but a guy who brought along his how-to book is going to come off as a nerd, no matter how wonderful and cool he really is.
ReplyDeleteI think running into "crazies" (emotionally unstable or even abusive people) is a problem for both genders and people of all ages. All the more reason to get to know someone well before you have sex with them.
I wonder if older women -- generally speaking -- don't view an affair with a younger man as more of a fling, and something temporary. I would always think, "well he'll eventually meet someone his own age and that will be that, might as well enjoy this while I can." Maybe we need to take younger men more seriously as potential partners for a more committed relationship.
I'm wondering some more.
ReplyDeleteHave women as a whole come to view men as people who can't be hurt, who are never the victims of love gone wrong? Do we see them as adversaries in a way?
I think I myself have had these views. The thinking goes something like this, "men almost always hurt me, they don't care, they just want sex." It can follow from there that it's okay to hurt back, or to simply be careless with someone's feelings, and that can be misdirected at someone who doesn't deserve it.
This post and comments point out the important fact that men are as emotional about sex and love as women, albeit in a slightly different way. This is something I for one need to keep in mind.
Of course, I wonder what "older" is to a 22-year-old. Remember that song, "Older Women Make Beautiful Lovers"? Wasn't he praising "older" of 35? Or something like that?
ReplyDelete"Older Than 35"
Paula, that's a very astute revelation you're having: yes, men can be hurt by love and sex, too. My guess is that the kind of man who posts here on this blog is, in fact, the kind of man we all want to know: respectful of women (especially older women), introspective, communicative, vulnerable, and willing learn and to love deeply.
ReplyDelete-- Joan
I want to add yet another comment, and promise to keep it short!
ReplyDeleteYounger guys need to make it clear, somehow, that they're seriously interested in dating an older woman. Asking her to "go have coffee" is a good start, or something like that, and everything Joan says about conversation and getting to know each other first is right on.
I've run into flirtatious younger men who only wanted to flirt and didn't want to do more. It can be really embarassing to find out that he wasn't really flirting seriously. Maybe he thought since I was older I was safe to flirt with and wouldn't expect more? Maybe he wanted to practice? Maybe he wasn't really flirting? I assumed that these attentions were more serious, and it was a big blow to my ego to find out they were not.
Consider too that the older woman may assume that the younger man isn't serious and is indeed just practicing or not really flirting. She may not realize this is for real and act accordingly, making it harder to get a date with her.
Hi there~I'm a 32 year old man in the midwest. I'm single and not dating anyone right now. I decided to try my hand at a dating site and a woman that was 62 messaged me. She's incredibly interesting, intelligent, and very pretty. I was somewhat uncertain about the age gap. Anyway - we met once and actually we kissed at the end of the date. We had a playful discussion recently in which she said something, and I responded that I would marry her if she did something (it was a humorous talk). Anyway - she mentioned that we should see if we have sexual chemistry which kind of took me by surprise.
ReplyDeleteI feel guilty about getting together...and maybe having sex. I am definitely intrigued and attracted. I go back and forth all the time. I don't know why I am wrestling with this. I know we're both adults...but I just can't get over this feeling. Her age does weigh a little because I'm not sure I want to have a committed relationship. But - I do like her...and I am definitely sexually intrigued. I don't think I'll get an answer here - but what do I do?
"Confused," thank you for commenting here. She has given you clear signals that she's interested in you. why not just date now, get to know her, see how things go after the first date?
ReplyDeleteShe told you she's interested in you sexually, but that doesn't mean the next date has to be sexual. Get together and plan an activity together that you both enjoy. Talk some more. Kiss some more!
It's far too soon to be worrying about commitment when you've just had one date and some online messaging. Get to know each other in person now.
- Joan
Joan...thanks for your time and care in responding!
ReplyDeleteWell...and I don't think I was clear...so it's my fault...we've had actually two dates. The second was where the sexual discussion occurred. So...we're definitely getting closer. I know she's interested in that...and I am as well. I just have never been with someone so much older. I know...from reading your blog today...it's nothing different at all. But...I don't know if there's any permanency to our relationship. We do feel some strong sexual tension though. The other thing is this...and I'm sorry I didn't mention it in my last post. We never discussed her age, and on her profile it says "62". After we met...I well, googled her cuz I was curious. And...I have reason to believe she is actually 72 years of age. I would have never guessed...and I know age is nothing I would ever bring up. But still...it's leading to the general confusion in my mind. The kisses are electric...I like how it feels when we touch...but the 40 year age gap potentially just jumps into my head in a strange way when I imagine making love to her. Ugh...what a conundrum!
"Confused," thank you for returning to add more. I'd love to use your story in my new book, Naked at Our Age. I have a whole chapter on Younger Men, Older Women.
ReplyDeleteWould you please email me (joan@joanprice.com) and I'll let you know what's involved?
Ditto for anyone else reading this who has a Younger Men, Older Women story or questions!