Sunday, May 13, 2007

Young Man Desires Older Women

Sean writes from Wisconsin,

I am 26 and have no problem getting dates with women my age. I'm a young professional and have confidence in my abilities with women my age. However, I am incredibly attracted to older women. I don't want to say anything to friends because it feels abnormal, but I find such beauty in maturity. I work in a professional environment where I am around professional older women all the time. I can't help but fantasize about them. I'm sure part of it is that my hormones are going crazy, but there really is something more to it. There is something about a woman who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature that drives me wild. Is this wrong? And if it's not, do older women even take men my age seriously? When I'm talking to someone my age, it's easy to read and give signs, because it's commonplace for people in my age group to make a romantic connection - it's on people's minds. In conversation with an older woman, that assumption isn't there. Is there anything you feel will work better for making a signal to an older woman? Are there any phrases (not pick-up lines) that would serve as cues? What should I look for?


Sean, I'm discovering that many young men are attracted to older women for exactly the reasons you say: "something about a women who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature." Believe me, many women would jump at the chance to get to know you if they knew about you. Some suggestions for approaching an older woman who interests you:

1. Converse, listen (very important!), and flirt as you would with a woman of any age. Yes, she'll recognize the signs. She might be shy about letting you see her signs, in case she fears she's misreading yours, so keep her talking.

2. Don't rush things along -- she wants to know she interests you as a person, not just a potential bed partner.

3. Look into her eyes a lot. Really listen and respond to what she's saying.

4. Lean towards her to give the body signal that you're interested. Watch for these signs from her: eye contact; leaning towards you; arms relaxed (not crossed in front of chest); playing with hair, clothing, or jewelry.

5. After a nice, long conversation, where you feel there's a connection, you might ask her outright: "I wonder if there's any reason I should not ask you out."

6. If she says, "I'm old enough to be your mother," you can ask, "I really like the maturity and intelligence of older women. The question is, am I too young to interest you?"

7. If you're really brave, carry a copy of my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and carry it around. When she asks about the book, say something like, "I find older women very attractive, and I hope this book will help me understand them better -- in all ways."

I wrote about the experiences of Judy, 62, who loved men in their twenties in Older Women, Younger Men last September. Let's keep talking about this, because I know it is a fantasy of many older women and younger men, and for some, it's a passionate reality.

10 comments:

  1. GratitudeMay 22, 2007

    For almost two years I was lusting after this man who is about to turn 31. (I’m now 55.) I had this intense chemistry with him, but we never clicked personality wise. (That has nothing to do with his age.) So do older women take younger men seriously? There were times here and there when I envisioned us in this long term love connection, going to festivals, camping out, at each other’s house all the time, almost to the point of a life commitment. My apologizing to him that I could no longer have a baby and him saying hey that’s all right, I love you anyway. (And, of course, incredible sex.) It turned out that all we ever did was flirt, and that’s for the best, but I did feel a strong, serious connection to this man.

    With younger men, I often don’t know what’s up. Does he see me as someone like his mom, or a potential girlfriend? Is he looking at someone “old” or a sexy, cute, older lady? Is he making eyes at me or that 25-year-old redhead behind me? Does he just want to talk because he thinks I’m intellectually interesting? Is he just being polite? Does he just want to flirt and be validated? (That’s validating for me too.) Or is he thinking he might want to date me? It’s horribly embarrassing to assume the latter and have it turn out that a much younger man didn’t see me that way at all.

    So I think it’s important for a younger man who might want to date an older woman to let that be known. Because that’s not just assumed, as the poster points out. I for one like a slow approach -- I like to be courted, even if the relationship isn’t going to be that serious -- and I think the script that Joan has posted is great. Respectful but gets the point across.

    I do have to say that if a man was chatting me up and had a book about sex and relationships, no matter how good a book, in his pocket I would be a little put off. If a relationship developed I would be into looking at the book later on, and trying things out, exploring.

    Older women and younger men are well matched in some ways. For most women in our 40’s and 50’s anyway our hormones are going crazy too. Speaking for myself anyway, women at this age have a less complicated agenda for the men in our lives. We’re not necessarily looking for long term ultra serious commitments. We’re not looking for daddies and providers anymore so much as friends, companions, and good lovers. That’s just right for men who aren’t ready -- or don’t want to -- start a family. The age difference keeps things interesting too. Lots of potential for fun and maybe more serious connections.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I used to date younger men almost exclusively, up until I met Robert 6-1/2 years ago, in fact.

    I used to think that men my age were set in their ways, old-fashioned, not open-minded enough for me. I reveled in relationships with men much younger.

    When I was about 40, I dated a 22-year-old who -- by coincidence! -- just saw the MSN.com article quoting me and emailed me to reminisce!

    He was a wonderful, attentive lover who used to tease me that the only reason I thought I was 40 was that I had the energy of two 20-year-olds!

    Now that I know Robert, though, I realize that I was mistaken about my stereotype of older men. They can be just as evolved, just as open-minded, just as fully socially conscious as we are.

    ReplyDelete
  3. GratitudeMay 24, 2007

    I like men of all ages. It's more about personality and attractiveness than about age.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hey everyone, I stubbled upon this article because I wanted more info on this subject. I am a 22 year old male who is currently involved with a 44 year old woman. We aren't officially "dating" because of not having the approval of our families. I find myself falling harder for this woman than I ever have for any girls my age. She is just all around beautiful. Her intelligence, her wit, her passion, and no need to mention the extreme physical attraction. It all started as mutual flirting and led to so much more. Coming from the view point of the younger man, I think it was definitely important that I showed as much interest in her as she did me. I handled the situation as simple as me flirting with someone my age, and it led to a very beautiful, passionate bond. I think if you're attracted to someone, you should go for it, regardless of age. The worst that could happen would be the same thing as the worst that could happen with someone of equal age... they could just not be interested, which sucks, but life goes on. So don't let age get in the way of love!

    ReplyDelete
  5. For those young men out there wondering about sex with older ladies, keep thinking! A big advantage to an older woman is knowing how to not just please a man, but how to drive him wild. Now in my late thirties I am not shy about my body or sex like I was in my twenties. Plus, an orgasm back then was barely noticeable compared to the screaming ones now. I also hate to say that when I had sex with men my age, well they had not a clue how to please me. I wonder if all young men should have sex at least once with an older woman, if not just for a lesson on how to be a good lover but for the best sex ever.

    Hot in Thirties

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm 27 male and just this Christmas had a brief encounter with a mature woman. It was wondefull.
    We met via internet dating, this is a good way to meet like minded people and she actually aproached me first. It just so happens I like older women.
    Via internet we can check all those embarrasing factors out before meeting.
    When we met on our first and only date so far we were able to talk about these preferences openly, in turns out she likes men around my age.
    We spent the day at Tokyo Disneyland, this is very romantic in Japan. I am British she is Japanese.
    Anyway we have an amazing day and later on she joined me at a hotel she had helped me book. I&d be lying if I denied it wasn&t like a fantasy come true. Amazing company, amazing sex too and a really warm an loving woman. I want to see her again, she will turn 43 this month but my goodness what a connection we had that day.
    Of course I want kids some day and she has a son already so I guess that is something that should be addressed.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Okay, let's say you're a young man in your mid-20's and attracted to older women between mid-30's-mid-60's (one of many types you're attracted to) and want to start a relationship, heck, even just sex. The thing is, however, that you are NOT very mature or knowledgeable about the world or economically stable. There is also obviously the stigma. Would older women (especially in the older range) not want something more from the relationship (or sex) or is this just stereotyping? How much can such an age gap be bridged?

    This question has been bugging me, particularly because my situation is not very good for ANY relationship (or sex). Sorry, no specifics.

    This blog is nice as I am interested in human sexuality in general. Some reply would be nice as well, although I feel that may be asking too much.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Aug. 20 Anonymous (since you're all calling yourselves "Anonymous," I'll add the date when you wrote to my response from now on) you describe all the reasons an older woman would not be interested in you -- but you don't describe what you DO have to give. Are you charming? Loving? Eager to please? Well educated? Energetic? Funny? Sweet?

    You might bring plenty to the relationship -- but you need the confidence to assert what you do have to offer a woman.

    If you read Naked at Our Age, you'll see examples of some happy, successful relationships with a 30 year age gap, so it is possible!

    Thanks for writing,

    Joan

    ReplyDelete
  9. Aug. 20 Anonymous here.

    Joan, thank you for replying.

    I am interested in an older woman, but seem to be racked with insecurity so if I do try, perhaps SHE will see something in ME. ;)

    Oh well, here's to hoping things work out (for more than just relationships and self-esteem).

    Thanks for cheering me up and I will continue to read your wonderful blog.

    ReplyDelete
  10. "Aug. 20 Anonymous" -- I think it's important to work on your insecurity yourself, not to expect a lover to make you feel valuable. You ARE valuable, but you will only have something to bring to a relationship if you know that yourself.

    So your first step might be social activities that are not as stressful as dating, plus some therapy to start making changes in your insecurity. Then you'll be ready to offer this special woman a young man who knows he has plenty to give her.

    Thanks for loving this blog!

    Joan

    ReplyDelete

My readers and I appreciate your thoughtful comments. Please share your views! Comments are moderated, so yours won't appear until I've seen it. Thank you in advance for commenting!

Some people have reported problems commenting. If this happens to you, please email your comment (with the name under which you want it posted) to joan@joanprice.com, and I'll post it for you.

Retailers please note: I delete comments that attempt to hijack my readers to a commercial site. If you'd like to advertise, contact me at joan@joanprice.com and I'll be happy to send you information.

Authors, therapists and sex educators who have helpful information for readers are welcome to post links to their sites.

-- Joan