Tuesday, October 10, 2006

A man asks about sex after prostate cancer

Billybob, 62, has written several times, always willing to share his thoughts and experiences to help both men and women talk more freely about the special challenges of sex after 60. In his case, these challenges include recovering from divorce, re-entering the dating scene, and living with prostate cancer. I just received this question from him:

Since my cancer treatments I still want sex but I have an erection problem that Viagra seems not to work to well. What would a lady think of me if I chose to use a strap on device? Or do you know of alternatives? And If I were to use a strap on how would I break or tell such an idea to a lady?

I wrote this to Billybob:

If you read the chapter of Better Than I Ever Expected titled "When You or Your Partner Can't," you'll see that women are very happy with fingers, tongue, vibrator, and cuddling when their partner can't have an erection. I don't think many women would appreciate a strap-on device, though I suggest you talk about it ahead and let her know you're willing if she'd like it. My suggestion: level with her about your situation as soon as the intimacy gets past kissing, and see what she'd like and -- please! -- also tell her what would make you feel satisfied. Let me know how this works for you.

What do the rest of you think?

I read two good books on this topic, which I mentioned in Better Than I Ever Expected and which you can order from Amazon by clicking on the links:

Intimacy with Impotence: the Couple's Guide to Better Sex after Prostate Disease by Ralph & Barbara Alterowitz (Da Capo/ Lifelong Books, 2004). A frank, practical guidebook to satisfying, sensual intimacy whether or not the male partner can have erections. An array of self-help strategies, from communication and creativity to medical therapies.

Making Love Again: Hope for Couples Facing Loss of Sexual Intimacy by Virginia and Keith Laken (Ant Hill Press, 2002). Candid personal narrative by Keith Laken, prostate cancer survivor facing impotence, and his wife, including fears, arguments, resolutions, setbacks, and a new definition of intimacy.

-- Joan

7 comments:

  1. WHAT ABOUT A WOMEN OVER 65 THAT
    DOES ENJOY SEX, BUT CAN'T GET A ORGANISM, WHEN HAVING INTERCOURSE.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Actually, most women do not have orgasms during intercourse alone, because they don't get enough clitoral stimulation that way. As we get older, we need even more direct clitoral stimulation.

    As I describe in Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk after Sixty, a woman can have an orgasm through manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris before intercourse, or by using a vibrator during intercourse. (There's a juicy description in the book about we do this, and the vibrator that we've found ideal for this intimate connection!)

    Thanks for asking! Please feel free to write again.

    -- Joan

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well I am Billybob some one that Joan has written about. And hear is what I have to say.

    Prostrate cancer is a bummer in a way. I was active till I had treatements back in 2001. I was mad about lousing the ability to have an erection. Because I felt and still do that having sex with some one is a commitment to pleas her in what ever way I can.

    Well I tried the Viagra and it did not do much for me. But I still wanted to be loved and love. I am divorced and I can not give up on finding a true love.

    I did finaly find some one that I love so very much and for the first time in my life sex is no longer an object.

    One of the things that helped me is I recieved a tier 2 ED medicatation an injection process that really is paineless. But the only draw back maybe is I have a 3+ hour erection. I have had a thumbs up about the drug from some one special.


    For the first time in my life my sexual enjoyements have been fulfilled beyond my wildest dreams.
    Which left me the ability to enjoy aperson fully and not just for sex.
    I want to clarify that statement because my ex stated that is all I ever wanted her for.

    A lady stated that she could no longer climax. Well believe me if a man knows this he will respect it if he loves you. So don't worry about that if he cums so fine. The object is ahring of ones self.

    See I most of the times do not cum so I look for her enjoyment not mine and she will let me know when she has had enough.

    As for the cancer who knows I have had PSA test all falling below .1 since 2001. One note from me is after the treatements my ejaculations when I have one are a clear liquid like glue so because I do not want any one to recieve it I use a rubber always. I have mad only one exception and that was to show my faith and trust, in some one I really finaly care for.

    Before I read Joans book I had almost given up the idea of ever finding a person to love she gave me hope. And I look forward to her next book.

    ReplyDelete
  4. James186282June 13, 2007

    Before I found medical help for my ED we tried using a strap on and my wife enjoyed it very much. It helped me get past some issues I had with not being able to "perform."

    We no longer need it but it has stayed in our regular "rotation" I agree bring up the idea and see what she thinks. If she is willing it adds a new variety that doesn't go flacid (ever)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Psychological problems need to be addressed if they are the predominant cause of erection problems. If not, drugs are unlikely to restore enjoyable and satisfying sexual intimacy to your relationship. One must learn how to manage stress. http://www.besthealthmed.com/ed_psychology.html

    ReplyDelete
  6. I WOULD LIKE TO MEET A MAN THAT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE SEX ON HIS MIND. RARELY AM I INTERESTED IN SEX AFTER HAVING A HYSTERECTOMY 6 YRS AGO AT 48 YRS OLD.

    I HAVE BEEN DIVORCED FOR 2 YRS NOW AND AM SURE MY LACK OF INTEREST HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY HUSBAND LOOKING ELSEWHERE.

    ANY SUGGESTIONS?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous, I don't thinnk this post about sex after prostate cancer is your best placement for your question, but I don't have a way to contact you, so I'll respond. If you're sure you don't want sex to be part of the relationship, you will need to make that clear from the beginning, because most men (and women!) DO want physical intimacy and sexual expression. You might just find a guy pal rather than look for love without sex. If you write to me at joan@joanprice.com, we can start a new post with this question rather than keeping it here.

    ReplyDelete

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-- Joan