Age 69+ wanted to discuss sexuality in documentary film

Recently, I had the pleasure of being interviewed by TV documentary film makers Lauren Buongiovanni Hunt, Linda Duvoisin, and their crew about my older-age sexuality views, experiences, and attitudes.

It was a fabulous experience! The film project, titled "69 and Up! Sex and Intimacy in the Golden Years," is intended to reveal the sexual wants and desires of people age 69 and over, presenting us positively and joyfully.

Would you like to be involved? Here is the call for volunteer participants from Lauren, both written and via video, explaining what she and Linda are looking for. Again, the experience was totally positive for me -- respectful, fun, absolutely non-sleazy. I hope you'll want to participate, too.

From Lauren Buongiovanni Hunt:

 I’m making a documentary film that explores sexuality, intimacy and older adulthood. I have a belief that my desires and drive for intimacy and sex will remain present throughout my lifetime While they may change (and/or even grow!), they will remain present and intact as I grow older. It seems to me that as the generation of the ‘sexual revolution’ enters older adulthood our culture needs to undergo an attitudinal revolution about how we view older people and their sexuality. After all, more and more of us will grow to live in older adulthood. Yet, one does not need to look very far to see how our society values youth and eschews the possibilities of the beauty of sensuality in older adults.

 The film, 69 and Up! Sex and Intimacy in the Golden Years, will interview sex experts, doctors, sociological professionals as well as older adults who are beautiful examples of what the possibilities can be. The purpose of the film is to portray that the science and the practice demonstrates that sexuality and intimacy in the latter part of life is alive and well.

 I am seeking volunteers who are willing to share their story – straight, gay, married, dating, widowed, etc. – as long as you are willing to be open for the purpose of sharing your experiences for the purpose of illuminating the challenges, successes and joys of sex and intimacy in older adulthood. I am seeking both men and women.
Email me at Lauren@gingersnappublishing.com for more information and/or questions about volunteering.

How did your mother's teachings about sexuality affect you?

Shirley Kassman and
daughter Joan

Let's do something different here for Mother's Day: Looking back, how did your mother's teachings about sexuality affect how you matured, interacted in relationships, saw yourself as a sexual being, enjoyed your sexuality?

I was born in 1943. When I came of age, my mother taught me nothing about sex other than a little about menstruation. The birds-and-bees talk was left to my obstetrician/ gynecologist father, who gave me a pamphlet about how women got pregnant accompanied by "ask me if you have any questions."

Joan 1961,
senior year high school

Sure, I had questions. No, my parents weren't the ones I asked. Since my father regularly saw girls my age who were "in trouble," as unplanned pregnancy was called at the time, his point of view was decidedly and strictly a "don't do it!" warning.

So when I started having sex at 17 with my high school boyfriend, I knew I would be in big trouble if I got discovered (I did, but that's another story), and I knew nothing about pleasure.

Pleasure -- or why anyone would do these strange things with each other -- was totally omitted from my sex education. That's a weird and dangerous omission! When kissing and "petting" got me aroused, I was surprised and thought something was happening to me that didn't happen to other girls. What to do about that arousal remained a mystery, however.

In those days, no one mentioned the clitoris, not in the laughable "hygiene class" that was supposed to teach sex ed, not in any books I could find, and certainly not in the pamphlet that was supposed to ready me for adult sexuality. I had heard that women could have orgasms (no idea where I learned that), but how to make that happen? I had no idea -- neither did my boyfriend.

I have two chapters in Naked at Our Age called "Unlearning Our Upbringing" -- one with women's stories, one with men's stories. They're poignant, provocative, compelling. At a certain point we either look at our upbringing and realize it doesn't serve us any more, and we change -- or we don't.

I hope you'll add your comments and share your own experience. You don't have to use your real name (choose a first name of your choice instead of "anonymous"), but please tell us your real age so we can see how the era in which we were raised affected what we were taught about sex.

(A much shorter version of this post was published on Mother's Day 2011.)

Best Sex Writing 2013: book review

Every year, I look forward to the new edition of the Best Sex Writing series from Cleis Press. This year's Best Sex Writing 2013: The State of Today's Sexual Culture offers 20 sex-themed, nonfiction essays, previously published in magazines and on websites as diverse as Playboy,  Salon.com, New York magazine, The Atlantic.com, and Church & State Magazine.

Since this blog is for sex-positive people age 50+, I always check out the essays about or by our age group first. These two emerged as my favorites:

• "Ghosts: All My Men Are Dead" by Carol Queen stunned me with its beautiful writing and poignant content. Queen writes from the heart about the men in her life whom she lost to AIDS, interspersed with her own story of her sexual blooming in San Francisco, a self-described "small-town dyke who really wanted to fuck practically every gay man she ever saw." For those of us who lived through the bewildering beginning of AIDS and the ensuing grief, fear, and loss, this essay is particularly moving, though I challenge anyone of any age to read it with dry eyes.

• "Very Legal: Sex and Love in Retirement" by Alex Morris is a fascinating look at the dating lives of residents age 70+ to 90 at Flushing House, an independent living facility in Queens, NY. “There’s a practicality that comes with knowing there are certain undeniable limits to how long a romance can last, or what romance at the age of eighty-five even means," Morris writes. What about sex? Al, age 89, keeps Viagra in a plastic bag in his shirt pocket. “You know, sex isn’t everything, but it has a lot to do with it," he says. "An awful lot to do with it.”

I don't mean to imply that only the essays by writers of our age or addressing issues affecting our demographic will interest you -- not at all! You'll be as absorbed as I was by most of the essays here. Some are political; some are intensely personal. All are well-chosen and well-written. If you're a sex geek, as I am, you'll devour this book.

Cleis's own book description says it well:

The Best Sex Writing series has fundamentally changed the way people think—and what they say—about sexuality. Rachel Kramer Bussel has collected the year’s most challenging, literate and provocative pieces on this endlessly fascinating subject.

This is not an exaggeration. Thank you, editor Rachel Kramer Bussel and guest judge Carol Queen for this superb anthology. And thank you, Cleis Press, for always being a staunch supporter of a sex-positive view of the world.

Best Sex Writing editor Rachel Kramer Bussel is a prolific author, editor and blogger. She has edited over forty books of erotica, and has been published in over one hundred anthologies. She blogs at lustylady.blogspot.com.

Learn more about Best Sex Writing 2013 here.

Safer Sex for Seniors -- again!

Safer Sex for Seniors -- yes, I'm talking about this again.

You know I've been on a soapbox about this for years, telling you the stats about STDs in our age group; encouraging you to use barrier protection if you're not in a committed, exclusive relationship; sharing tips for having the "Condom Conversation" in my books, here on this blog, on Huff/Post50, and wherever I can spread the word; giving out free condoms at my dating workshops.

If you're age 50+, sexually active, and not in a monogamous marriage or a long-term, sexually exclusive relationship, would you answer some or all of these questions for an article I'm writing?

Do you use barrier protection (condoms, dental dams, etc.) with your partner(s)?

• What considerations go into your decision whether or not to use barrier protection? How do you decide?
• Do you sometimes intend to use safer sex, but in the heat of the moment, you don't?
• If you don't use protection, why not? 
• Have you tried the female condom (FC2) for vaginal or anal sex? How did you like it?  
• What facts about STDs in our population would be important for you to know?
• What else would you like to know from our community about our attitudes and behavior as we discuss this topic?

Comment here, or if you want to do it more privately, email me directly, including your age, please. If you comment here, give yourself a first name (it doesn't have to be your own) instead of just calling yourself "anonymous," and please include your age.

I might quote what you tell me in the new article I'm writing, but I won't identify you in any way (unless you want me to).

The conversation is open! Your turn.


What are those things that look like compact cases in the top photo? They're condom cases, the brainchild of Marsha Bartenetti and her daughter Rachael Sudul of Just In Case.

The case looks like a regular compact. Open it, and there's a mirror.
Open the next layer, and there's a space to stash a condom. Discreet, fits in a purse or pocket. 

See the different styles here. Thank you, Just In Case, for sending me these samples.

What do you want in a sex toy? Serious question to Boomers, seniors, elders

Sex toy manufacturers and retailers are aware that we Boomers, seniors, and elders use sex toys and are often frustrated when we buy products that don't fit our needs or wants.
 
You may not realize that many of those manufacturers and retailers follow this blog. They are eager to know what we want, exactly. They want to understand us. And of course, they want to make and sell products that appeal to us and keep us very happy.

Let's help them out. I invite you to comment on this post and describe the kind of sex toy you wish you could find.

Here are some ideas to start you out. Many of us want these qualities:

• Strong intensity.(Our king is the Hitachi Magic Wand.)
• Vibrations last a long time without losing the charge.
• Long-lasting product -- does not break or die.
• High quality, body-safe materials, accurately described. (Don't tell us it's silicone if it's not.)
• Instructions we can read without a magnifying glass. Or better, make the instructions truly intuitive.
• Dimensions provided in your retail description. 
• If insertable, slim version available (under 1.5" diameter).
• Ergonomic -- don't make our arthritic wrists hurt.

Your turn -- take it from here!

Hint: when you comment, if you want to remain anonymous, I'd appreciate it if you would choose a first name of your choice (it doesn't have to be your own). That way, instead of a string of comments from people all named "Anonymous," we can keep track of who said what. Please include your real age in your comment or in the name you choose.

Note: If you represent a sex toy retailer, read and learn, but do not try to pull my readers to your site with your comment. I moderate comments, I look at the links, and your comment will not see the light of day if you do this. If you'd like information about advertising on this blog, or if you want me to review a toy that fits what my readers are requesting, please email me.

Toy charging frenzy

"He Wants Me Naked When I Fling the Front Door Open" - Roz Warren reviews Ageless Erotica

When I read Roz Warren's review of Ageless Erotica at HumorTimes.com , I laughed so hard that I immediately asked the writer for permission to republish it here. Enjoy! -- Joan



If you want a glimpse into the erotic imaginations of sex writers who’ve been around the block a few times, pick up a copy of Ageless Erotica, a new collection of sex writing by, for, and about seniors.

Joan Price, 69, is on a mission to “talk out loud about senior sex.” She gives lectures. She holds workshops. And she writes books. Better than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty was followed by Naked At Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex. And now there’s Ageless Erotica, described as a “steamy assortment of erotic stories and memoir essays written for a mature audience.”

The book collects tales of seniors from all walks of life, gay and straight, vanilla and kinky, taking their clothes off and having a good time. I’ve never found erotica a turn-on, but I still got a kick out of reading it. I even learned a few things. (Masturbation clubs for women? Who knew?)

The stories in Ageless Erotica are a fascinating mix of the sensual, the medical and the humorous. The writing itself is all over the place. Laughingly abysmal. Unabashedly smutty. And, often, oddly moving.

Here’s a sampling of my favorite lines:

“My yoni was a ravenous hollow.”

“In a flash, he was butt-naked except for his socks.”

“I came in places I didn’t know I had.”

“My first blue cock. Would anything else on earth ever feel so good?”

“I played his instrument with my mouth as if it were a flute.”

“You are amazingly well constructed,” he said. “There’s evidence of too much sun on exposed areas, leaving a coarseness to the skin, but,” he added, stroking my ass, “the hidden parts are the silkiest I’ve ever felt.”

“Lifting her breasts away from her chest, he kissed his way down, until he found her sparse, gray pubic hair.”

“A lifetime of hard work let me afford trendy cashmere sweaters.”

“You have such beautiful, manly nipples, sweetheart.”

“I skipped teasing him with the knitted glove and went straight to the surgical one — in my actual size.”

“Filthy incoherence is always a positive sign at that point in our lovemaking.”

“He wants me naked when I fling the front door open.”

“It’s my boyish charm, as I’m told, that hangs around, unlike my hair.”

“I’ve included the inevitable butt plug.”

“A heavy date requires a slow day beforehand and a preparatory nap.”

“Off to the bedroom?” I asked with a wink.

“I clutch the sheets and yell, 'Fuck, oh fuck, yes, yes, yes, do me, oh do me, thank you Sir, oh fuck, fuck, yes, yes, yes!'”

“We were naked before we even washed our vibrators.”

“I couldn’t remember if I had shaved the gray hairs from my lollipop just in case it was going to get licked.”

“Barry took my legs and spread them like a wishbone.”

“Tom Maynard, you’re as hard as a prize salami!”

“You can thank my hormone supplements. They do wonders for this kind of thing.”

"His first question when we met was, 'Do you know how to gut a deer?'”

"He says, 'I’m prepared,' code for the Levitra pill he took a half hour ago.”

“My heart resumed a normal rhythm, all fears of another infarction vanished.”

"His tongue slid around my clit, which I’ve named Ethel, and over it, and too soon, I flooded with warmth."

Intrigued? You can find Ageless Erotica at your local indy bookstore.

If it’s not in stock, just give the salesperson a lascivious wink and ask him to order it for you. And Ethel.

Roz Warren

Roz Warren writes for The New York Times and The Funny Times. Her work also appears in Good Housekeeping, The Christian Science Monitor and The Philadelphia Inquirer. Visit her website.


This review (c) Roz Warren first appeared at HumorTimes.com on March 30, 2013. It is reprinted here with Ms. Warren's permission.


 

Women over 50! Talk About Sex & Win a Seat in Joan Price’s Workshop!

 
(Republished with permission from The Buzz, Good Vibrations Online Magazine.)

Women over Fifty — What do you want to tell us about sex? 

Let us know and win a FREE seat at Sex after Fifty: A Workshop for Women, with Joan Price this Sunday, April 14, 2:00 – 5:00 pm, at Good Vibrations, Polk St., San Francisco.

Submission Information:

Question: What do you want to tell us about sex?

Selected responses will be published in the Good Vibrations Magazine. Tell us about sexual pleasures, concerns, changes, desires. Responses can be as brief as you like, with a maximum of 250 words. If you wish, also include a question you hope Joan will answer during her class. You can submit these under your name, your initials, a pseudonym, or anonymously — as you choose. Just make sure and sign your submission with the name you’d want it to appear in the Good Vibrations Magazine.

Email responses to: carolq@goodvibes.com

Carol Queen

DEADLINE: noon (Pacific time) on Saturday, March 30th 

Joan Price and Good Vibrations’ Staff Sexologist Carol Queen will judge responses and award the free workshop to the winner. Please include your phone number or an email address you will be able to check on Saturday afternoon.

Workshop Information:

Sex after Fifty: A Workshop for Women, Sunday, April 14, 2:00 pm – 5:00 pm. $30 in advance, $35 at the door Women only. Good Vibrations Polk Street, 1620 Polk Street (at Sacramento Street), San Francisco, CA 94109, (415) 345-0400. Tickets. 

Yes, sex after fifty has its challenges, but it can also be sizzling and satisfying. We’ll face the challenges and celebrate the joys of older-age sexuality, sharing experiences and learning from each other in a spirit of candor, acceptance, creativity, and humor. Take home new tools, techniques, and attitudes that help women over fifty experience hot, joyful sex — with or without a partner. Taught by Joan Price, author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex – winner of Outstanding Self-Help Book 2012 from the American Society of Journalists and Authors and 2012 Book Award from the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.

For more info about Joan, please visit joanprice.com. Note: This workshop has a minimum size, so please pre-register!

Please help us pass the word. We want to hear from every woman over 50 with something to say!

Marriage Equality and more: LGBT Seniors

We're all reading and talking about gay marriage / marriage equality this week. I'd like to invite our LGBT Boomers, seniors, and elders to comment here about their lives growing up without acceptance or equality.

In high school, I had a guy friend who, I learned 50 years later, was gay. How much it would have accelerated my own education and evolution if he had felt he could talk to me about that then. But he didn't. Maybe he felt he couldn't. Maybe he thought it was none of my business. Maybe he wasn't sure. He dated girls at that time.

Fifty years later, when we met again, I asked if he was married. He told me nonchalantly that he was in a decades-long relationship with a man. He said he wasn't hiding it -- he just informed people who asked.

At CatalystCon East this month, I attended Terri Clark's session, "The Silver Rainbow: Working with LGBT Seniors." There are more than 1.5 million LGBT older adults in US today, and by 2030, they'll number more than 3 million, Terri told us. She is co-chair of The LGBT Elder Initiative (LGBTEI), which is "committed to assuring that lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender older adults have rights and opportunities to live vibrant, creative and mutually supportive lives."

“The LGBT community is very youth-focused," Terri said. "Once you get older, you cease to exist.”

I thought I was well-informed, but this session made my jaw drop, especially when Terri showed a short film from Project Visibility (trailer below). In it, people talked about their need to be closeted growing up. “We always kind of lived a lie,” they said. "That was your life and you’re not able to share it. Your story would be missing."

Even decades later, they lost jobs, family, and their faith community when they came out. One college professor was told, "We don’t have room on the faculty for you any more."

Many LGBT seniors are still closeted today. This makes them afraid to access senior health and legal services that the rest of us take for granted.

Yes, marriage equality is important. But that's not the only chapter in this story. Gay or straight, young or old, religious or not, activist or not, we need to come together, stand up tall, and speak out loud for equality for all of us, in all aspects of our lives.


In the words of one of the interviewees, “It’s who we are. It’s not a moral issue.”