America Unzipped: Brian Alexander pulls off the covers

Brian Alexander's America Unzipped: In Search of Sex and Satisfaction (Harmony, 2008), is one of the most informative and entertaining books about sex that I've had the pleasure of reading. Alexander, MSNBC.com's "Sexploration" columnist, set out on a journey to explore the sexual mores and activities of middle America. Do "normal" Americans behave conservatively in the bedroom, or do they indulge in wild sexual expressions -- even activities their neighbors and pastors might brand as "deviant" or "perverted"?


Alexander frequented sex parties, worked in a sex shop, explored kink, interviewed porn producers and actresses, attended rope bondage and fire play seminars, and thoroughly immersed himself in the world of non-vanilla sex (while still keeping his clothes on and his marriage vows intact). The result is a book filled with descriptions of the erotic lifestyles of people who might be your nurse, your librarian, a singer in your church choir, or your grandkid's teacher.


And yes, the people enjoying kinky sex aren't just the young ones. Alexander doesn't make a big deal of it when a person he interviews or observes is silver-haired, and that's one of the pleasures of this book -- Boomers and elders who are enthusiastic about sex in any or all of its variations are mingled with all the other sex-positive folks. Kitty, age 50+, poses with her nightie on, then off, her behind to the camera, and posts her photos to a Web site. Don, 49, describes his "magnificent eruptions of bodily fluids" in chat rooms. Debra and Craig, 56, are unmarried swingers "reinventing ourselves" after their divorces. A man and woman, about 70, study elaborate rope-tying techniques at a seminar at the Hyatt. An elderly woman looks through her reading glasses as she uses a kitchen whisk to transmit electricity from a violet wand over the body of her husband. "Then she shocks the bald spot on the back of his head with the attentiveness of a grandmother knitting."


Personally, I have vanilla and monogamous taste in sex these days (I got what I needed from earlier experimentation), but I support everyone's right to do whatever they please with other consenting adults. And, I must admit, I find it fun to read about! I did feel a bit queasy at times: Goddess Heather (a bulked-up female bodybuilder dominatrix) "has a junkyard hanging from her cooter. Every one of her fifteen labia piercings holds a chain that reaches the floor, or an old, heavy lock." A woman (willingly) cowers in a cage at a fetish party. And all that violet wand shocking stuff was, well, shocking. But one of the wonderful things about books and imagination is that we can take magic trips into other people's experiences and emerge understanding more about the complexity of passion.


The Internet has done a lot to normalize sexual behavior previously thought of as weird or perverse, Alexander points out, whether it's watching or acting in porn online, hooking up with like-minded folks for fetish parties, discovering where you can buy rubberwear, or whatever you might be seeking.


That leads me to wonder, has the Internet freed you to explore some erotic attraction? What have you done, or considered doing, that wouldn't have been possible before we all had computers and online access? I invite your comments!

View Joan Price discussing Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty

I hope you'll view this one-minute video of me discussing Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.

Younger Men Who Desire Older Women

4/23/08 update: Since the January 2008 post reprinted below, I've continued to receive comments and emails from men who love older women. A few ask me to act as a matchmaker for hookups (sorry, that's not my job, but I wish you luck), but most of the men who write earnestly wish to communicate how sexy they find older women. For example, Derek sent me this recent email:

I read your posts on older women/younger men, and granny sex, with great interest and wanted to commend you on them. I'm in my mid-thirties and for many years have been attracted to women much older than me. While I've had great relationships with women my age and younger, the most satisfying relationships have been with women many years my senior. I find the combination of worldliness, wisdom, sexual experience and a lush, mature body completely irresistable. I've been with a number of women in their 60s, some of whom have been older than my mother and/or have children older than me. My lover of several years is in her late 60s, and we continue to enjoy a wonderful relationship that, in addition to friendship and mutual support, includes regular 4-hour lovemaking sessions, fantasy weekends away, and the most potent physical chemistry I've known. It's heavenly. Also, as you seem to be noticing this type of relationship, while very alternative, is being enjoyed by a LOT of people. I hope you give this topic more coverage on your blog.

My original January 2008 post follows here:

The questions and comments from young men who desire older women keep coming. They crave older women. They revere older women. And yes, they find older women incredibly sexy.

I’m not talking about age differences of five or ten years – I mean decades. Here are some samples from my email and from comments on my other blog posts:

· I am 19 years old and love older women. They are much sexier than anything else I can imagine. It’s the feeling of that they have so much to teach you sexually. I have had sex with an older woman and would do it again in a heartbeat.

· I'm male, 27, and just this Christmas had a brief encounter with a mature woman. It was wonderful. We met via internet dating, a good way to meet like-minded people, and she actually approached me first. It just so happens I like older women and she likes men around my age. We had an amazing day and later on she joined me at a hotel. It was like a fantasy come true. Amazing company, amazing sex too and a really warm and loving woman. She will turn 43 this month, and my goodness what a connection we had that day.

· I am 26 and have no problem getting dates with women my age. I'm a young professional and have confidence in my abilities with women my age. However, I am incredibly attracted to older women. I find such beauty in maturity. I work in a professional environment where I am around professional older women all the time. I can't help but fantasize about them. There is something about a woman who is well versed, educated, smart, and mature that drives me wild. Is this wrong? And if it's not, do older women even take men my age seriously?

· I wish I could find an older woman who doesn't say I am too young to have sex with her. I am 21 by the way.

· I am a 49-year-old single man, and I have always been fond of sex with older ladies. In all honesty they drive me wild. I have no interest in any ladies younger than me. Presently have a few senior neighbours.... jeez I only wish.

Some of the younger man who write tell me that their first sexual experience was with a much older woman, and they still treasure the experience:

· I lost my virginity to a woman who was 59 and it was brilliant. She was old enough to be my grandmother and I had known her since I was 5 or 6. I know many people will read this and think that I am making this up but I’m truly not. I loved having sex with her.

· I have always been attracted to older women. I had short relationships with a 60-something-year-old woman when I was 15; a 40-ish woman when I was19; and a woman in her late 30's when I was 21. For me it was a way to have sex, enjoy sex, learn about sex, and experience the whole thing in a sincere, loving way, in a stress-free atmosphere. It was so nice to make love to someone who was calm, enjoyed the experience and could be trusted. A bonus for me was that my older lovers expressed being flattered at being desired by an attractive young man. It felt great to be in this princely or studly role. I’m now 50 and have been married 27 years to my best friend. I find her even more attractive as she gets older, and she likes this.

· I'm 18. I just recently completed a life-long dream of having an older woman take my virginity and teaching me the ways. The only thing is it was a one-time deal but now I'm hooked on older women. I love their maturity and knowledge.

I often hear from single women who complain that men their age are seeking younger women and don’t seem to value what an older woman brings to a relationship, both in and out of bed. These comments from young men show an interesting flip of the coin, don’t you think? Of course I’m not recommending staking out the local teen center to get a date, but don’t rule out mature young men who express interest in you, if you feel interest and attraction, also.

I’m posting these comments today to invite more discussion from young men in this situation, older men remembering these experiences, and from women of all ages. I look forward to reading your thoughts.

(Note: On other blog posts on this subject , I discussed some of the questions these young men have, such as how to meet older women, talk to them, and read their signals.)

Museum of Sex: antique vibrators & more

I used my senior discount at the Museum of Sex, the self-described "educational sexual epicenter" at 233 Fifth Ave (at 27), New York City. The Museum of Sex describes itself as "wholly dedicated to the exploration of the history, evolution and cultural significance of human sexuality." That's a worthy goal, and the museum is well worth a visit when you're in New York City.

Amid the film clips of sex through the ages and models of sex machines, dolls, and such, there was an entertaining display of condoms and condom advertising . "I take one everywhere I take my penis!" proclaimed one poster, and another pointed out that a condom was "250,000 times cheaper than the average child." I don't recall the date of that poster -- surely condoms are cheaper and childraising more expensive than they were then.

I loved the exhibit of antique vibrators.One resembled a rotary egg beater, and another could pass as a travel hairdrier. The early vibrators looked so heavy and difficult to operate that I can imagine women getting carpal tunnel syndrome before we even had a name for it!

Other than my presence, senior sex didn't exist in the museum. Oh yes, there was an old film clip of a dowdy 40-plus-year-old woman lecturing her teenage daughter about sex and revealing, "I was young once. I remember." Oh dear.

Hey, visiting a sex museum is tough research, but somebody's got to do it!

Autumn Romance: Author seeks stories

There is a whole world of couples who have connected at 55, 65, 75 and older. Exploring that world, author Carol Denker found couples who are loving each other deeply, wisely and passionately. Their stories--too good not to share--will be found in her upcoming book, Autumn Romance: Great Love Stories Over 55, along with photos that show the beauty of it all.

Carol Denker discovered the love of her life at age 62. As she describes it,

By November of 2006, I’d been married three times and single for almost a decade. I was 62 years old—and so happily ensconced in a new career as editor of the local newspaper that a friend had to urge me several times to join a particular dating service.

It was only one week later that a tiny photo—kind eyes, brave smile—twinkled at me and asked if I’d like to IM. I’d never instant messaged, and I’d never met anyone like Warren. He was 61, with his own rocky past, and his shining spirit was the one I’d been looking for always.

Carol is now interviewing and photographing other couples who found love in later life. If you have a love story to share with Carol, email her.

Internet video producer seeks SF area Boomer couples & singles

I am passing along this message from Marty Jackson, who interviewed me for turningpointtv.com about sex and aging. (The interview is not yet online -- I'll let you know when it is.) He is seeking Boomer-age San Francisco Bay Area couples and singles for non-graphic scenes that will be included in the online videos he is producing for this series. If you are interested, please contact him directly. If you know others who might be interested, would you please pass this along?

I am a San Francisco based Internet video producer, in the midst of creating a new Baby Boomer Sexuality section for turningpointtv.com. I recently did interviews with several sex educators and authors regarding sexual issues that Baby Boomers are now facing. I am currently editing the interviews and need B-Roll cut-away shots. I am looking for Baby Boomer aged photogenic couples and singles between the ages of 44-62 years old, that would have few hours of time to act in directed scenes without dialogue. Some of the scenes may deal with intimacy between couples but would not be graphic. There will be no financial compensation for your time, but we will provide you with a copy of the video for your resume reel. Please e-mail if you are interested.

How Not to Look Old: Yucky stereotype but savvy tips

How Not to Look Old by Charla Krupp (Springboard, 2008) is a book I'd love to hate, and in many ways, I do. Krupp feeds our image self-consciousness as if she were feeding swimmers' bodies to sharks, with attitudes like we can't succeed in business and we're ludicrous and totally unappealing (not to mention unsexy) if we look our age, dress comfortably, go outside without makeup, wear gym shoes with jeans, or wear our glasses on a chain around our neck.

This advice is coming from an unwrinkled, tight-bodied former Glamour beauty director, the darling of Oprah, Tyra, and Good Morning America, who doesn't look a minute over 40. OK, that's her point: You never need to look over 40, as long as you follow her fashion and makeup rules and make your dermatologist your new best friend. Oh, and if you can, it's a good idea to spend a fortune not letting yourself look old.

I resent this woman who looks nowhere near my 64 years claiming to represent "the over 40 generation." I hate her first statement: "All right, I'm just going to come out and say it. Aging sucks." I hate that she sees age spots, crow's feet, saggy bosoms and bunions as vile and icky. I hate her premise that "to keep our paychecks and our self-esteem, we need to look young; we need to look current." I hate that she spent only one sentence on exercise (the genuine fountain of youth).

And yet, if you can get past all that, I must admit it -- this book has terrific tips for optimizing our appearance. I found myself taking notes on the chapter about how to choose a flattering pair of jeans -- who knew? I learned about a dozen new things about updating my makeup (on the rare occasions when I use anything other than a dash of lipstick).

I surely would love to debate Krupp about aging, appearance, and our attitudes towards both, though. Do you think Oprah would invite me?

Staying Sexy without a Partner

The things that stop you having sex with age are the same as those that stop you riding a bicycle (bad health, thinking it looks silly, no bicycle). . . . The important thing is never drop sex for any long period—keep yourself going solo if you don’t for the time being have a partner. — Alex Comfort in The Joy of Sex

Juicy is an Attitude

Haven’t you noticed that when you’re getting plenty of sex, people are attracted to you as if you were oozing irresistible come-hithers, while when you’re desperate for sex or a relationship, you might as well be wearing a sign that says, “I have a stinky, fatal disease—stay far away”?

Being sexually juicy doesn’t depend on the flow of our vaginal secretions or the presence of a partner in our life but on physical and emotional well-being, mental attitude, and love of sensuality.

We can feel and look sexy and attractive, whether we’re in a relationship or not. Looking good has nothing to do with whether our thighs are tight or dimply, our breasts perky or floppy, our face unlined or road-mapped. Any partner who would judge us this way would be much too superficial for a relationship at this stage of our lives, anyway. Sexiness is how we feel about ourselves and how we present ourselves to the world, with or without a partner.

We are lively and sexy when we live our lives fully, doing the activities that keep us energetic, creative, and happy whether we’re accompanied by a lover or not. The more we strut our beautiful stuff with confidence, the more others are attracted to us.


Sexually Seasoned Women Speak about Solo Sex

When I was single and my grown son was out of the house, I discovered sex with myself in a wonderful way. I had a mad, passionate, love affair with myself. I got fabulous lingerie and bought myself champagne. It was just me and a vibrator. Some days, nobody else can do it like you. (Monica, 60)

I left my last relationship about twelve years ago and wanted to be a hermit. I continued to be sexual with myself and got pretty wonderful results with that method. When I felt sexual, I made love to myself, just like I comforted myself as a kid. Now I’m turned on all the time. (Claire, 66)

I was maybe sixty-five before I ever did it. I was talking with a girlfriend who was between relationships, and she said she masturbated. I never even thought of such a thing. My first time, I knew just where to go. I tried it with the jets in the hot tub, and I found the right spot. It was the best sex I ever had! (Jaime, 73)

Sometimes I masturbate—what else can you do? It’s better than going out and picking up people. My drive is still strong. (Matilda, 78)

— Excerpted from Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty by Joan Price

Sex: "natural fountain of youth"

Eric Plasker, D.C., author of The 100 Year Lifestyle (Adams Media; 2007), says that sexual activity is a vital part of health and happiness at any age. Americans are living longer than ever before, and Dr. Plasker offers three reasons why an active sexual life can help people live longer:

Endorphins on Top: Orgasms release a rush of hormones for college coeds and seasoned lovers alike, and endorphins are one of the cocktail's main ingredients. Similar in chemical structure to morphine, endorphins can relieve pain, control the body's response to stress, and even improve mood and alleviate depression. Continuing copulation can curb the blues for seniors, who suffer from depression more than any other segment of the population.


Healthy Loving: Rife with health and other anti-aging benefits, sex is pretty close to a natural fountain of youth. Regular intercourse can cut the chance of a heart attack or stroke by up to half, increase antibodies that boost the immune system, improve bladder control and regulate intestinal contractions, release minerals that prevent tooth decay, sharpen the sense of smell and reduce the risk of prostate cancer. Staying sexually active can increase both the length and quality of life.


Fitness Factor: Easier than running a marathon and more enjoyable than water aerobics, intimate activity is fantastic exercise for the elderly. Just being aroused can heighten heart rates and more than double a person's pulse. Burned calories and tightened abs are well known side effects of sex. But indulging the libido can also improve posture and increase testosterone production, which strengthens bones and muscles. Plus, with the right moves this is one exercise that can go easy on arthritic joints.

Joan's Upcoming Events

I'd love to meet you in person! Here are some of my upcoming events Winter/Spring 2008. If you are involved with an event or organization and you are interested in having me speak to your group, please email me. See more information about my aging & sexuality talks here. As you see, I also speak about fitness -- more information here.

(Note: I'll be in New York City April 7-12, in case you'd like me to speak to your group.)

Straight Talk About Sex After Fifty
Tuesday, April 1, 8-10 pm
$25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins. Women only
Good Vibrations,1620 Polk St. at Sacramento St, San Francisco.
(415) 345-0400 to register.
Yes, sex after sixty has its challenges, but it can also be sizzling and satisfying. Joan Price, ageless sexuality advocate, fitness expert, and author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty will help you face the challenges and celebrate the joys of older-age sexuality. By sharing experiences and learning with other women in a spirit of candor, acceptance, creativity, and humor, you’ll take home new tools, techniques, and attitudes that help women over 50, 60 or 70 experience hot, joyful sex with or without a partner.

Ask Me, I'll Tell You: Women and Men Talk about Sex and Aging
Tuesday, May 13, 8-10 pm
$25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins. Men and women welcome.
Good Vibrations, 1620 Polk St. at Sacramento St., San Francisco.
(415) 345-0400 to register.
For many people, sex and aging are two of the hardest topics to talk about. Add in the challenges of communicating across the genders and it can sometimes seem impossible. But Joan Price, ageless sexuality advocate, and author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty is here to help! In this interactive and fun discussion night, you'll have a chance to get the answers you're looking for. Joan will guide an evening of conversation and discovery, and will help everyone in the room learn from each other. For couples & singles, men & women. If you're 50+, or you plan to be, this workshop is for you.


Recently completed events:

Authors of For Keeps:: Women Tell the Truth About Their Bodies, Growing Older, and Acceptance read from their essays Saturday, March 8, 7 pm A Great Good Place for Books 6120 LaSalle Avenue (Montclair Village), Oakland, CA. Info: (510) 339-8210. Free.
Fitness on the Road with Joan Price Tuesday, Feb. 12, 10-11 am National Association of Auto Dealers convention Moscone Center, San Francisco. Good intentions to exercise often get left behind when you travel. Joan's tips will help you maintain your fitness habit on the road -- or start a new one! Decrease stress, increase energy, and enjoy your travel time more with these quick, simple strategies that can be done with little or no equipment. Fitness expert Joan Price shows you exercises that work in hotel rooms, airports, even during meeting breaks! Joan, author of The Anytime, Anywhere Exercise Book: 300+ quick and easy exercises you can do whenever you want!, believes that exercise should be a treat, not a treatment.

Keeping Sex Lively after 50, 60, 70 Wednesday, Feb. 13, 12 pm Rotary Club of Santa Rosa Flamingo Hotel, Santa Rosa, CA Members and their guests.

(schedule updated 3/10/08)

Are religion and sexuality compatible?

Are religion and sexuality compatible? They are for Susan, age 43, who recently wrote me about her sexual “discoveries and awakenings” and the role of religion in her life:

Although I am one of the 40-somethings, I am thoroughly enjoying your book. Even at 43, I have discovered joys of sex with my husband that I never dreamed of before! Your book is inspiring me to look beyond my own stretch marks and dimpled backside and focus on the positive. My husband has always complimented me on how I look, but now that I am more experienced and more excited about the joys I am discovering, he now thinks I'm really sensual!

We attend a class at our church dealing with marriage, and our pastor's lectures on marital sex are also sparking my interest once again. My husband is thrilled, as am I!

I am finding it sad that I cannot talk about my discoveries and awakenings with anybody else. It seems that our culture has made women believe that sex is just for men, that women are tired of it, and they just don't want to be bothered by it any longer. Our pastor has made it clear that sex is meant for pleasure for both men and women. But the women I know would really balk at the idea that they can truly enjoy sex.

I have only one friend (who, by the way, is a Bible study leader) who comes right out and says that married women should be the sexiest women of all, and that we should relish, cherish, and grow our sexual relationship as a gift from the Lord. I hope that more women discover this.

The teeny-bopper twigs that pass for sexy in the media are ridiculous. I am so much more wise, experienced, and fulfilled now than I ever have been.

Thank you for your book. It is as affirming to me as I know it is to the target audience.

Susan, what a wonderful message! I am thrilled that you are enjoying my book so much, and I love your assertion that sex and deep religious conviction can be completely compatible. We hear so much about the role of religion in controlling women’s sexual expression that it is powerful and refreshing to read your viewpoint and that of your Bible-study-leader friend.

For my readers: Do your religious beliefs and background support or battle your sexuality? I’d love to hear from you.

Sex and Intimacy after Cancer

If you or your partner has been diagnosed with cancer, what part does sexuality play in your quality of life? How will cancer treatment impact your sexuality -- physically and emotionally? How do you cope with changes in function, libido, body image, and pain? How can you maintain intimacy in the face of these challenges?

“Sexuality is all about who you are as a man or a woman,” says Sage Bolte, MSW, LCSW, OSW-C, a renowned authority on sex and intimacy after cancer and an oncology counselor at Life with Cancer®, an Inova Health System service in northern Virginia. “It’s a critical part of your quality of life.” Sex and intimacy are key ways to affirm, “I’m alive, I’m human,” and of getting back what was important to you before cancer.

On March 11, 2008, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society presented a teleconference with Bolte for 1,400 listeners. It was superb. Fortunately, the teleconference will be available as a transcript and MP3 recording sometime in April 2008 at www.lls.org/survivorship.

Forty to 100 percent of people with cancer will experience some form of change in sexual function, says Bolte, which can impact willingness to engage in sexual activity. However, she assures us, “Patience and techniques can help you regain a sense of sexual self and confidence.”

Although Bolte’s message was targeted at the special challenges of cancer, all of her suggestions also apply to living with any chronic or life-threatening illness, as well as the sexual challenges of aging itself. Here are some of her techniques for coping with specific problems:

Vaginal dryness and discomfort: Apply 100% vitamin E oil to the vaginal tissues and clitoris on a regular basis after showering, and use a water-based lubricant as needed during sex. Talk to your doctor about whether an estrogen ring or testosterone patch would be appropriate to regain moisture and restore elasticity of the vagina.

Erectile dysfunction: Tell your physician about this problem and have him/her look at all your medications. Have your testosterone levels checked. If you’re having a harder time maintaining an erection, try finding the positions that is most stimulating for you. Help your partner reach orgasm before intercourse. Devices for men that may help include penile pump; penile injections, suppositories, penile implant, penile rings. But if you’re on blood thinner or have low platelets, you need to consult with your physician before using any of these devices, because they might put you at risk. Viagra and similar medications are not recommended for men who have heart concerns or are taking blood pressure medications.

Pain and fatigue: After cancer treatment, the time of day that’s right for sex might change. If you’re too exhausted in evening, switch to morning or have a special lunch break. Take pain medication 30 to 60 minutes before activity. Get exercise, which can minimize fatigue and assist in decreasing some joint pain. “Remember that we can rest during sex,” says Bolte. “It’s not a marathon.”

Fear of rejection: Consider seeing a couples counselor or sex therapist. Often the problems of miscommunication, misinterpretation, and anxiety get in the way of your sexuality and intimacy. Work on your communication skills. (Note: I’ll be writing more on this topic in another post.)

Difficulties reconnecting with your partner: Communicate your own desires, ask for what you need, and ask your partner to communicate honestly, too. Be affectionate. Take it “slow and easy.” Take time to be together and to connect. Find other ways for both of you to have pleasure.

Redefine your expectations,” suggests Bolte. “Sometimes you can’t get back to the function you had prior to cancer, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be good or pleasurable.” Focus on touch, sensation, pleasurable feelings. Use sex toys. Engage in mutual masturbation. Read fantasy to each other. Touch yourself. Massage each other and cuddle.

“Take more time to get stimulated, talk yourself into sex,” Bolte recommends. Realize that instead of the physiological response coming first and driving the emotional response, it may need to be the other way around, a “mind thing first.” Schedule your sex time – plan it, think about it, fantasize, and work yourself up to the mental excitement that will stimulate the physical excitement.

Don’t let sex feel like pressure to perform. Sometimes practice just touching without the expectation of intercourse. Re-explore alone what feels good to your body now. “Start with self-pleasuring experiences,” says Bolte. “Your body has changed since treatment. You need to be comfortable touching yourself and knowing what feels good now.”

I applaud the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for recognizing the importance of sexuality to people diagnosed with cancer and Sage Bolte for generously providing her expertise.

Sex Cushions for Comfort

"Don't forget to tell them about the sex pillow!" Robert reminds me as I leave to give a workshop about senior sexuality. Indeed, if you experience discomfort due to a medical condition, or just the aches and pains of living and loving in aging bodies, experiment with firm, ergomically shaped pillows made especially for sex. You'll find an amazing difference once you've found the one that works best for you.

For us, our friend the Wedge (photo, right) is our regular companion, permitting me to lie comfortably on my back with a lifted bottom and allow him free movement on his knees. This has especially helped us during episodes of back injury, knee pain, and arthritis flares, as well as delightful encounters when we have no aches or pains. Using a firm, specially shaped cushion also provides optimal comfort and convenience when we're enhancing our lovemaking with a favorite sex toy. (Our personal favorite, as you must know by now, is the Eroscillator, the only sensual product endorsed and recommended by Dr. Ruth Westheimer.)

A wonderful option with plenty of choice is the variety of pleasure pillows from Pillow Talk. Check out The Pleasure Set (see photo, left), a collection of sturdy, cotton-canvas covered cushions designed especially to enhance sexual positions and activities. For example, put the thin Meditation Wedge (12"L x 12"W x 3"H) behind your knees and kneeling becomes much more comfortable. You can choose different cushions to adjust any position for back support, neck support, or any other kind of support you need. These cushions come with a book, Pillow Talk, which guides you through their use during Tantra or whatever type of sex (or sleeping, for that matter) that you prefer.

Have you experimented with different types of pillows and cushions for comfort and pleasure? Let me know your favorites!

ELDR gets sex right!

Len, age 80, says of his loving relationship with Joyce and their ability to talk openly about sex, "I've been enlightened. I don't need to feel bashful about asking for something that makes me feel good. This is a gift from the gods."

You've got to read Amelia Glynn's article Love After Sixty, which appears this month in both the print and online ELDR magazine. The photos in the print edition from Kc Gunn are fabulous (a few are also online, such as these reprinted on this post). The article presents several elder love stories and discusses how sex is (and is not) different once we pass the 60 milestone. Authors Jane Juska, Joani Blank, Betty Dodson, and yours truly weigh in on the subject, along with Cynthia Mort (creator/producer of HBO's Tell Me You Love Me) and several sex experts.

It's refreshing to read about and see photos of real-life 60+ people who are frank about their sex lives. Kudos for ELDR for having the courage and the conviction to publish this article and the photos.

A Love Letter to Aging Bodies and Faces

Do you think aging has made you less attractive? Do you have difficulty seeing yourself or your partner as sexy and desirable?

Then it’s time to challenge your own as well as society’s perception that only young bodies and unlined faces are sexy and beautiful. We need to accept – no, celebrate! – our wrinkles and rejoice in all the pleasure these bodies can still give us.

Let's join together and practice rejecting society’s youth-oriented view of beauty, keeping ourselves fit so that we feel happy with our bodies, and keeping a loud, buoyant sense of humor!

I love my 71-year-old husband Robert’s face and body. I look into his vibrant blue eyes and I see the young man as well as the older man. The older man is no less sexy than the younger man must have been (I didn't know him then). In fact, he's more sexy, because he has learned how to live joyfully and love completely in ways that a young man can't know until he has lived a full life.

I look in the mirror, where new wrinkles seem to appear weekly. I try to walk my own talk, accepting my own face as I accept Robert's, telling myself these wrinkles are badges of living, laughing, and loving. I tell myself, this is the youngest I'll ever be from now on!

I asked my 103-year-old great aunt what it felt like to be more than a hundred. She said, “I’m the same person I always was.”

So are we. Rather than trying to deny our aging -- which is futile anyway -- let's celebrate it.


(Photos by Mitch Rice, Robert's son, on Robert's 71st birthday)

Bad Sex Between the Covers

Thank you, Literary Review (UK) for tickling our funny bones (though not our erogenous zones) with The Literary Review Bad Sex in Fiction Awards, which have been "awarded" annually since 1993. The original purpose was to "draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it."

The 2007 winner was a passage from The Castle in the Forest, Norman Mailer's last book about the birth and life of Adolf Hitler. Here's the award-winning passage, which describes Hitler's conception:

'Are you alright?' she cried out as he lay beside her, his breath going in and out with a rasp that sounded as terrible as the last winds of their lost children.

'All right. Yes. No,' he said. Then she was on him. She did not know if this would resuscitate him or end him, but the same spite, sharp as a needle, that had come to her after Fanni's death was in her again. Fanni had told her once what to do. So Klara turned head to foot, and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth, and took his old battering ram into her lips. Uncle was now as soft as a coil of excrement. She sucked on him nonetheless with an avidity that could come only from the Evil One - that she knew. From there, the impulse had come. So now they both had their heads at the wrong end, and the Evil One was there. He had never been so close before.

The Hound began to come to life. Right in her mouth. it surprised her. Alois had been so limp. But now he was a man again! His mouth lathered with her sap, he turned around and embraced her face with all the passion of his own lips and face, ready at last to grind into her with the Hound, drive it into her piety.

Read other samples of horrible writing about sex (not to be confused with writing about horrible sex, although the two may overlap) here.

I wonder, is there a place for a competition for the best and worst writing about senior sex? Send your nominations with quotes that show the merit (or lack of merit) of your nominee, please!

Condom Sense

Many seniors assume that we don't get sexually transmitted infections and are not at risk for HIV. They're dead wrong. Consider this:

• About eleven per cent of all newly diagnosed HIV infections are in people older than fifty, and a quarter of those are older than sixty.
• The risk of AIDS is increasing at twice the rate in people over fifty as compared to the increase in people under fifty.
• Heterosexual HIV transmission in men over fifty is up ninety-four percent, and the rate has doubled in women since 1991.
• An Ohio University study found that about twenty-seven percent of HIV-infected men and thirty-five percent of HIV-infected women over fifty sometimes have sex without using condoms.
• Older women are particularly at risk for blood-borne diseases like HIV or chlamydia because their thinning vaginal lining and lack of lubrication lead to tearing during intercourse, permitting easy access to the bloodstream.

If you’re dating or in a non-monogamous relationship, the issue of safer sex needs to come up early. Some of my women readers write me that they feel uncomfortable asking a new partner to use a condom. They are often newly in the dating game after divorce or death of a spouse. "If I ask a man to use a condom, it sounds like I don't trust him," they say. "If I have them on hand myself, he'll think I sleep around."

My belief is that if you can't talk about safer sex with someone, do you really want to invite that person inside your body? But I know it's hard, especially if you've been in a long-term relationship and suddenly find yourself out in that scary world of dating, sex with new partners, and the risks that weren't a part of our blazing youth.

The Condom Conversation needs to happen before the heat of passion has a chance to melt your resolve. When the sparks and kisses signal that sex is likely in your future, talk about barrier protection. Agree to be prepared when you're ready for the next stage, whether that means next weekend, weeks from now, or in an hour.

In my single past, these approaches served me well:

• "I always use condoms with a new partner to protect us both."
• "I'll buy the condoms -- do you prefer a special kind?
• "Do you have condoms, or should we make a run to the store?"
• "Your condoms or mine?"

What if your date refuses? I've had occasions when a man refused to use a condom, saying something like, "Sex with condoms just isn’t enjoyable."

I would reply, "Is no sex more enjoyable?"

At this point, I knew the date was over, and I was glad to know in advance that he didn't value my sexual health or his own. If he was willing to go to bed with me without protection, then he did that with his last partners, and they did it with their last partners, and so on.

Take a look at Sue Katz's blog post titled "Seniors Get Infected, Too (Often)" for some startling information about the lack of HIV prevention education for older adults.

How to Talk about Sex with Your Partner

I often hear from people having sexual problems with their partner. They may want more, less, or a different kind of quality of sex. Although sexual difficulties won't magically go away by talking about them, effective communication is a big first step.

I asked certified sex educator Yvonne K. Fulbright for communications strategies she recommends to her clients who are having difficulty resolving sexual problems. “Unless you make your wishes known, your partner is not going to change or even attempt to fill your needs,” she says. “Humans can’t read minds, so you have to try to communicate your desires in order to get what you want out of a relationship.” Here are her suggestions for bridging the communications gap:

1. Let your partner know how you feel, e.g., "I am really hurt and confused that you haven't wanted to make love for years." It's important not to attack your lover and to use "I statements" such as, “I miss having sex with you.” You cannot be faulted for how you feel, and expressing yourself this way is likely to get a more positive reaction than something like, "What's wrong with you? You never want to have sex."

2. Don't make assumptions, which close off an open discussion and can cause your partner to clam up. Avoid questions that only invite a yes/no response. For example, say, "I was hoping we could talk about why we're not having sex anymore," instead of, "Are you not interested in sex because I no longer attract you?"

3. Pick a time when you can focus on just the two of you. Don't have the conversation when you're doing another task. Plan a time when you can create a private space to talk, and make it a communal experience, e.g., over a cup of tea. The more natural you can make the conversation, the less threatening it will be.

4. Do not accuse or blame your partner for the problem. Instead, communicate that you want to work on your problems as a team effort.

5. Pay attention to your own and your partner’s body language. A great deal of what you're saying isn't coming from your mouth, but from your stance, how you’re holding your arms, and your facial expressions. Do you appear defensive? Uncomfortable? Does your partner? Attention to body language will help you to gauge how the conversation is going.

6. Ask for suggestions on how to make things better, rather than telling your partner how it should be done. People are much more likely to act on what they see being possible vs. what someone dictates to them, especially in an intimate relationship. You, too, should also give suggestions, but they should come across as just that - suggestions.

Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D., M.S.Ed., is the author of The Hot Guide to Safer Sex , Touch Me There! A Hands-on Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots, and Sex with Your Ex and 69 Other Things You Should Never Do Again... Plus a Few that You Should . Visit her website.

What to do when your sex drives aren't in sync?

"Lonely in Thirties" posted a comment to another post, and what she said is so important that I'm repeating it here so I can address her points. This reader is 38 and has been with her husband, age 42, since she was 17. She writes,

My husband used to want to have sex every day if not more often. I did not want it as often but tried my best to accommodate him for many years. Around the time I turned 35, I noticed a huge jump in my sex drive, I would say 3 times a day, every day, would now satisfy me. All I think about is sex and my orgasms are explosive, usually having multiples back to back.

Her reason for writing is her disappointment with her husband, who no longer wants to have sex as often, mainly only on the weekends. She writes,

I am very frustrated. I thought this is what he wanted all these years, a wife who wanted to have sex as often as he did. He claims he still wants me and wants to have sex but, gives a long list like I used to as to why “now” is not a good time. Is there any hope his sex drive will return?

It seems unfair to give myself to a man all these years and not have him reciprocate. I feel resentful, rejected, and hurt. I have always been faithful to him. However, I admit I fantasize about an affair or even leaving my husband for a younger more virile man. It would be nice to have a man keep up with me, not fall asleep on me. Yet having been with one man so long, I worry that a younger man would not find me attractive, or only want me just for sex. Is this true? Are there sexy men out there in their twenties that want a woman my age?

If I end up staying with my husband I think I should to go back on the pill or something to rid myself of my sex drive. I’d rather not have one then to feel this way. Is this it? If I stay with him will I be subject to years more of frustration?

It's impossible to say whether her husband's sex drive will increase again, or whether a younger man would find her attractive (I suspect he would!), but there are a couple of other important issues here besides the obvious difference in sex drives. I wish I could ask Lonely in Thirties these questions:

1. How was communication about sex before your desire changed? Could you each ask for what you wanted? Were you able to talk about what turned you on? How do you communicate about being interested in more sex now? If you have trouble communicating, a counselor could help you break through the barriers and gain a much better understanding of each other and the relationship, as well as this specific desire disparity issue.

2. Have you explored solo sex? Your own fingers and, if you like, a vibrator, would let you enjoy your orgasms, whether or not your husband was in the mood. If you're considering infidelity, try fantasies and pleasuring yourself first. You may find that you can enjoy yourself with deep satisfaction without risking your marriage.

Lonely, if you return to this blog and read this, I hope you'll comment again. Although you're younger than most readers of this blog, your concerns are those that many readers (both men and women) have, and I welcome you to our community.

-- Joan

Hurdling the Generation Gap: Talking to Younger People about Senior Sex

I recognize the culturally pervasive “ick factor,” as I call it, in the way the media and most young and even middle-aged folks view the idea of the older generation still having and enjoying sex. I think it’s important to create a respectful dialogue whenever possible, so I’m delighted when a young person contacts me to convey a sincere interest in senior sexuality.

“C4bl3Fl4m3” (see photo), who tells me I can call her “CableFlame,” is 25 years old. She writes,

Human sexuality is my main professional and academic interest, and I'm always particularly interested in parts of sexuality that aren't addressed very much. And one never hears about sex after 50 or after 60. Especially not at my age. Heck they never even mentioned that in my "comprehensive" sex ed class in school. All they teach us is what they think we need to know right then, for sex at the time as a teenager. We're not given the tools we need to make choices as adults or as seniors. Our sexual knowledge needs change as we get older, enter committed relationships, enter into casual sex relationships, get married or enter into a civil or holy union, (some of us) enter into polyamorous relationships, leave our relationships, and generally age.

So I'm interested in sex in general and sex while aging is part of that. I do recognize that just because people get older, they don't stop having sex. It's uncomfortable for a lot of younger people to think about, but it's part of life.

I'm curious what it might be like for me when I get older. I like going into things prepared, and so I'm curious about older sexuality. I'd love to read an article or have you talk some on your blog about kink/BDSM and aging. I'm sure there are plenty of older people who enjoy it (especially as the Baby Boomer kinksters are reaching retirement age) and it would be interesting to see how it's the same and different for them, both in terms of desire and in terms of what's physically safe and what has to change.

I welcome your comments about CableFlame’s questions, and I’d also like to know what you’d like young adults to understand about senior sexuality. It's up to us to talk out loud about our attitudes, if not our activities, if we're going to make a dent in the sound barrier surrounding older-age sex!

Reporter seeks sexually active seniors

Andrew Kersey is a graduate student of journalism at Columbia University who would like to interview sexually active seniors -- especially in the New York City area -- for an article he is writing that he hopes to have published in a New York newspaper or magazine. He wrote me,

The kinds of themes I want to explore are the changing nature of sexual relationships, if any, over a lifetime, and the changing reasons for them. I would like to speak both with people who have been in their present relationships for a long time and with those who have started new ones.

The dating world is intimidating for anyone, but I'm interested in discovering what particular challenges exist as people get older and re-enter the dating world, so to speak. Or for experienced couples who choose to maintain an important part of their relationships with their spouse or partner.

I am also interested in contacting seniors who are simply dating again for the first time or renewing their sexual relationship with a partner.

I am discreet and respectful. Thank you.

If you would like to be interviewed by Mr. Kersey, please email him.

I am contacted frequently by reporters wanting interviews with people in our age group who are willing to talk about their sexuality and relationships. If you would like me to notify you when this comes up again, please email me with your location and a brief summary of your story.

Book Review: For Keeps: Women Tell the Truth About Their Bodies, Growing Older, and Acceptance

When I received my copy of For Keeps: Women Tell the Truth About Their Bodies, Growing Older, and Acceptance, I turned first to my own contribution, "Making Joy and Love in Seasoned Bodies." I found myself moved by my own story of the two devastating automobile accidents that left me with crippling injuries, my fight to reclaim my life and my love of dance, and how my love story with Robert interweaves with my celebration of health and joy.

Then I read every other essay in the book, thrilled by the psychological and social insight in these memoirs and the high literary quality of the collection. Kudos to editor Victoria Zackheim, who hand-picked each writer and edited each essay superbly.

The theme is how women see their bodies, their perspectives shaped by aging, mothers, partners, cancer, injuries, society, and their own obsessions about body image. Each essay is wrenched from the hearts and guts of their authors. The stories are new, yet familiar, because as women, we have experienced them personally or through our friends: a hypercritical mother whom we still try to please; saying goodbye to breasts; facing a loved one's death; learning to love our bellies; striving for resiliency as we confront our aging. The stories are moving, inspiring, downright riveting.

I am proud to be a part of this exciting book. I recommend it for your holiday gift-giving, and for yourself.

Julia from Alabama: “You can’t have my rights, I’m still using them!"

Julia Carter is a frequent reader of this blog. She offered to find out just how the new Alabama law prohibiting the sale of sex toys affects a woman intent on buying one. So she visited two Alabama shops specializing in items for erotic pleasure (see? I'm resisting calling them "sex-toy shops" because such products are against the law) to investigate on behalf of all Alabamans seeking sexual freedom. Here's her report:

As it says in Marty Klein’s excellent article, the Alabama legislature has recently passed a law prohibiting the sale of sex toys in this state. Wanting to find out first hand what this actually means to local consumers, I decided to stop in at one of our stores.

I visited a shop called “Pleasures” for two reasons, one is they have the most extensive selection of any retail store in this area, the other being that the owner of this shop, Sherri Williams, challenged the proposed law in court, filing numerous appeals against the state, including an appeal to the Supreme Court. Unfortunately the courts refused to hear her last appeal, so it is now illegal to sell sex toys or dildos in the state of Alabama.

I was immediately greeted by a nice young woman, who then asked to see my ID. “Hmm,” I thought, “I’m 55 and I’m being carded, this is cool,” although I’m sure this is standard procedure for everyone who comes in to the shop. You must be 18 or older to enter.

The store looked about the same, with all the same merchandise as before. In front, where it can be seen by anyone passing by, including children, is a whole array of lingerie. Nothing directly sexually suggestive, so if I had kids I wouldn’t mind them seeing this. In the back part of the store where they used to keep their huge variety of sex toys, are the enormous variety of “novelty items” which are now sold for medical, scientific, and educational purposes, or to be used at a party for something such as a "cake topper."

Since I think lots of orgasms are good for my health, I was pleased to see that all the same medical devices I’ve been used to being able to purchase were still there, with even a few new additions, though I suggested that they might get into trouble calling things medical devices.

I told the salesperson I was there to find out how the new law was panning out, and to see what they could still sell.

We chatted for a bit and giggled about the day the Supreme Court refused to hear Sherri’s appeal and the city lit up our big rocket, part of Huntsville’s famous Space and Rocket Center, with hot pink lights in honor of the first day of breast cancer awareness month, not realizing that these two stories would both be on the evening news.

Then she showed me some of their new items which are especially woman-friendly, with shapes to fit the contours of the female body. Although there were some products with labels saying they were for medical use only, most of the products on the racks have a sticker on them that says “SOLD AS A NOVELTY ONLY” followed by smaller print saying not to use it on inflamed tissue, skin eruptions, or unexplained calf pain, and that they are not suggested for penetration of body openings.

I asked if customers would have to sign a waiver if making a purchase, and we do. This is what it says:

“All products which may be subject to the restrictions imposed by code of Alabama sections 13A-12-200.2 and 13A-12-20.3 are displayed at Pleasures for bona fide educational purposes only so that our customers may make informed medical, scientific and educational decisions with respect to the type of products displayed.

“No such product is offered for sale in this store. You may offer to purchase such a product, but by asking to purchase an item you represent and warrant that your purchase and any resulting sale of the product is for a bona fide medical, scientific, educational, legislative or judicial purpose. In her/his sole discretion, any employee of Pleasures may refuse to accept such an offer to purchase.

“No exceptions will be made to this policy.

(The fourth paragraph is a standard medical disclaimer.)

“Alabama State Law does not prohibit the possession of an adult toy. Nothing sold in this store is prohibited by law.”

Paragraph two of the disclaimer says, in other words, that if a customer comes in asking to buy a sex toy or a dildo, they will be told that the store does not sell sex toys or dildos, and can be asked to leave.

I bought a medical device, a new bullet (mine’s about to wear out) and an educational device, an intriguing looking sleeve for the bullet that has a g-spot attachment that I’ve never seen before, paid my $16.50, and signed the document.

Since one day we could have a class action lawsuit a