Lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk -- what now?

"Way to go, Chip. Well said," Gruffalo commented on my July 9, 2009 blog post, Chip August: “Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin.” "Now the really silly thing is that the first step is difficult. If you love, cherish and like each other, but you've lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk, it feels strange, embarrassing and artificial to start. I know, one step at a time, but how to start?"

Chip returned a thoughtful response that was so helpful that I'm devoting this post to it, rather than leaving it as a comment that might be overlooked:

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Without knowing your history, how you came to lose the habit of intimacy, what each of you dreams your relationship could be, it’s very hard to tell you what your best first step might be.

If you were a client in my Intimacy Coaching practice, I would ask, Have the two of you ever talked about the “inertia” that has turned your sex life into a dead zone? Is either of you on medications that might be reducing your libido? Has erectile unreliability become an issue? There are so many ways to be unhappy.

In general, if we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always get what we’ve always gotten. A great way to move past the embarrassment and artificiality is to change something -- anything. A place for you to start is to notice and change your thoughts that get in the way of you starting.

Noticing and actively changing thoughts that don’t serve you is a good way to get up the courage to start a conversation. Perhaps begin a conversation by sharing your appreciation of your partner. Another step might be to reach out and hold hands when you are walking together. Another step might be to print out this page and ask your partner to read it. Another step might be to ask, “May I gently caress your face?”

The best first step is whatever step you actually take.

Be bold. What have you got to lose?

Chas. "Chip" August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of “Sex, Love & Intimacy” an internet radio show, and author of the soon to be published “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Chip sees clients at his office in Northern California and also does phone-coaching, phone: 1(650) 391-7763, email him at ChasAugust@gMail.com

Chip August: “Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin”

Charles “Chip” August, Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, interviewed me on his “Sex, Love & Intimacy” internet radio show. Now it’s my turn to interview Chip:

JP: I understand you’re writing a book titled “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Do you see many later-life couples in sexless marriages?

CA: As a Couples Intimacy Coach, I have met and worked with hundreds of couples struggling with unsatisfactory sex lives, most in their 40s, 50s and 60s. But it’s not just my experience. Recently I saw a blog from Dr. Phil where he writes: “sexless marriages are an undeniable epidemic.”

JP: Why do these couples give up on sexual intimacy? Do they say it’s because of physical changes?

CA: One major factor behind the “death” of sexuality in long-term relationships is changes in our physiology brought on by aging. As young, sexually active adults, we take for granted that feelings of arousal will be accompanied by tumescence (the swelling of genital tissues), erections (nipples, clitoris, penis) and lubrication. In our minds we link these physical experiences to the idea of arousal. As we age we seem to forget all the other feelings, emotions and sensations associated with arousal.

JP: What happens emotionally when those physiological responses change?

CA: Later in life, when erections and lubrication are less certain, we falsely assume that it is the end of sexuality. It’s as if we have forgotten all the other feelings, emotions and sensations associated with arousal. We seem to forget how hot it once was to hold hands, to kiss, to talk nonsense for hours into a phone late at night, to dance, to finish each other’s sentences.

JP: I often hear from women whose men have given up on sex when their penises don’t work like they used to. I also hear from men whose women don’t want sex because they say it’s no longer comfortable or pleasurable. How can these couples reconnect?

CA: I believe human beings are designed for a lifetime of sexuality. There are many causes for a man’s erection to become unreliable or even impossible, and just as many causes for a woman’s vagina to stop lubricating or hurt. These symptoms are sometimes physiological, sometimes psychological, and sometimes just requiring a bit of education.

If your body does not work the way you believe it should, or you are experiencing a loss of desire, see your doctor, as these could be symptoms of various medical/health problems, psychiatric problems, low levels of testosterone or high levels of prolactine. Low sexual desire can also be a side effect of various medications.

JP: Besides physical changes, why else do couples give up on sexual intimacy?

CA: Beliefs about sexuality that support the idea that sex is really for “young” people. Our culture fosters age-ist, sex-negative beliefs. Most people don't realize that sex is meant to get better and better as a relationship matures. They've bought into the idea that they can’t have a rockin' sex life if they’re no longer young and the relationship is no longer new. They believe myths that sabotage their sex lives, such as “Sex just doesn’t feel good anymore—sometimes it even hurts—but I can't talk about that with my husband,” and the most disastrous belief of all: “Passion always dies in a long-term marriage; it's the price you pay for stability.”

JP: How do you coach people in a sexless marriage to become lovers again?

CA: To become lovers again means behaving as lovers do. When we are in new relationship energy, we gaze into each other’s eyes, we kiss, we phone and email. We send cute cards, buy flowers, go out to dinner, and go for long walks. We make time just for us.

JP: And most couples stop behaving like lovers as the relationship matures?

CA: If we spent as little time and attention working at our jobs as we spend on our relationship, most of us would be unemployed. Relationships take time. Make dates (and keep them). Get naked together and just hold each other and talk. Park with your sweetie by the lake, the beach, the overlook, and neck like you were 17 again.

JP: What’s your most important message for improving senior sex and relationships?

CA: It saddens me that sex has become so genitally focused. Our biggest erogenous zone is between our ears – our mind. Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin. Penises in vaginas are a necessity for procreation. Sex is about intimate connection and shared vulnerability. Sex is stroking each other from head to toe, eye-gazing, shared laughter and shared thoughts. Sex is kissing and hugging and dancing. Sex is lying naked in each other’s arms listening to our hearts beating. Sex is about surrender and control, about laughing and crying.



Chas. "Chip" August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of “Sex, Love & Intimacy” an internet radio show, and author of the soon to be published “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Chip sees clients at his office in Northern California and also does phone-coaching, phone: 1(650) 391-7763, email him at ChasAugust@gMail.com

"Booty call" at 64?

Arlette, age 64, sent me her interview questionnaire for my new book, and I'm puzzling over something. What did we call "booty call" before that term was invented? What would we seniors call it now?

Arlette is single, independent, loves her solitude, and loves sex. She has a partner who feels the same. They have great sex and good conversation, then she goes back to her life and he to his. They're not living together or dating; they're just having uncomplicated, uninhibited, and exuberant sex when they want to.

Arlette writes me that she's living her fantasies -- and I'm delighted for her. I'm just wondering if we have a term to describe the relationship that's a bit more elegant or mature than "booty call"? (She didn't call it that -- I just can't think of what to use instead.)

I know, some of you will tell me that this kind of relationship doesn't warrant an elegant or mature term, but I don't agree. If we don't do exactly what we want at our age, when will we? I'm curious to know what you think.

No Erection, No Intimacy, No Discussion

Molly, age 63, wrote a comment that was featured in a blog post titled "He thinks he can't please her without an erection, so why bother?" She recently emailed me an update, and I asked her permission to share it with you:

I wanted to thank you for trying to help with my situation. I was the person who asked what to do when he doesn't want to have intimacy anymore because he couldn't get an erection. He just said "why bother?"

Unfortunately, our relationship ended. Not by me, by him. He does not communicate in any way with me. I've tried everything to get him to talk to me, but it's as if I've fallen off the face of the earth. This is after over two year relationship.

I took your advice and have contacted a therapist. She has been a great help to me. But somehow I think he would benefit so much from seeing someone, too.

It's just so unfortunate that my guy thinks so little of our relationship that he only based it on one thing. I wish I could try to turn back time and make him understand that an erection is not everything in a loving sex life. But that's not possible, he has completely cut me out of his life. Won't talk, or accept any communication from me.

I still love the man and I think I always will. It's so sad. Life is so very short not to enjoy it all.

Thanks again for your wonderful blog, I can't tell you enough how it has helped me cope.

I feel the heartbreak in Molly's words. She obviously loves this man, but he has shut her out completely.

I don’t think, though, that Molly's partner’s inability to communicate or accept her loving means that their relationship doesn’t mean enough. I think he's devastated and depressed by what he perceives to be the end of sexual possibility. It isn't, we know that, but that's how he sees it. He may be too stuck and too afraid to seek help.

I hear from men who say they have to unlearn the “I am my penis” lessons they learned as boys and teens. This notion becomes deeply ingrained and is a difficult lesson to unlearn, but the old story no longer serves them, or us.

I know it was difficult for Molly to share her story here, and I hope, readers, that you'll show her how valuable it was by sharing what you learn here that helps in your own relationship. I'm sure she'll welcome your warm comments.

Vajayjay: Do We Need That Word, Oprah?

Many bloggers and YouTubers have commented on Oprah's use of the cutesy "va-jay-jay" during her otherwise open discussions about women's sexuality. She didn't invent the term -- the then-pregnant character Dr. Miranda Bailey introduced the term on Grey's Anatomy on Feb. 12, 2006, when she chastised a male intern by saying, “Stop looking at my vajayjay.”

The term caught on rapidly, especially after Oprah adopted it, and even the New York Times discussed the vajajay trend. According to the NYT, Grey's Anatomy's creator and executive producer Shonda Rhimes fought to use vagina in the script instead:

"I had written an episode during the second season of ‘Grey’s’ in which we used the word vagina a great many times (perhaps 11),” Ms. Rhimes wrote in an e-mail message. “Now, we’d once used the word penis 17 times in a single episode and no one blinked. But with vagina, the good folks at broadcast standards and practices blinked over and over and over. I think no one is comfortable experiencing the female anatomy out loud — which is a shame considering our anatomy is half the population.”

Now you hear "vajayjay"on television shows, read it in blogs, see spoofs on YouTube (don't miss The Soup: Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay, and accept it as the cute, friendly, non-graphic, inoffensive way to say vagina or vulva. (The vagina is the canal; the vulva includes the whole area: labia, clitoris, pubic mound, and vagina.) As the linguist John H. McWhorter said, as quoted in the NYT, “It sounds warm and familiar and it almost makes the vagina feel like a little cartoon character with eyes that walks around.”

It occurred to me that if Oprah adopted "pe-pee-pee" as her pet word for "penis," it wouldn't sound as endearing.

Tell me, do you find "vajayjay" a useful addition to our lexicon? Do you like it? Do you use it? Personally, I prefer vajayjay to other, more demeaning slang words for female genitals, but I'd rather hear the anatomical terms normalized and accepted.

How about you?

Joan's First Cuddle Party

"May I touch your shoulder?"
"Yes."
"My I rest my leg on your leg?"
"Yes."
"May I stroke your ribs?"
"No."
"May I join your spoon train?"
"Yes."

I attended my first official Cuddle Party last night. Cuddle Parties are led by trained facilitators to enable people to experience more touching in a completely non-sexual way. Most of us don't get enough touch in our lives, or only get touched through sex, if we're in a relationship, or brief hugs if we're not.

Our skin and our emotions crave touching, holding, caressing. The purpose of a Cuddle Party is to enable people -- usually strangers, at least for the first few minutes -- to enjoy and feel safe touching and holding each other for hours.

Yes, hours. We had 45 minutes of rules and exercises (e.g. saying "no") first, then at about 7:30 p.m. we were let loose to cuddle anyone and everyone we wanted (as long as they said "yes") for 2-1/2 hours.

The Cuddle Party took place on a living room floor covered with sheets, comforters, and pillows. There were about a dozen of us, roughly gender-balanced, mostly clad in pajamas. The skilled facilitator and two assistants participated fully and were always available in case someone wanted any kind of assistance.

"Always ask before touching, and be specific about what you want to touch," we were instructed. "No" means "no" and needs no defense or explanation. If we're not sure, we say "no." We can change our minds at any time. We can ask for what we want to receive as well as what we want to do. Clothes stay on, and if we experience feelings of arousal from all this body contact, we do not act on those feelings.

I joined four other people who were spooning, and I enjoyed being cradled in a warm body sandwich. We asked for permission to touch shoulders, backs, legs, hair, thighs. The tricky stage was trying to change position -- if one person wanted to turn around, we all had to adjust and start asking for permission all over again.

If it sounds like fun, it was. It felt completely safe and relaxed -- even jovial. We could get up, get a snack (no alcohol), come back to the pile of people and decide whom to approach as the next cuddle partner(s).

To find out more about Cuddle Parties and track down one happening near you, visit http://cuddleparty.com//

Naked At Our Age: an invitation

What's stopping you from having a satisfying sex life as a senior or elder?

Almost four years after publication of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, I am working on my new book on sex and aging: Naked at Our Age. This book will concentrate on the sexual problems and challenges we face as women and men 50 - 80+ and how to resolve them and enjoy our sexuality throughout our lives.

I invite you to submit your candid questions, problems, and real-life experiences, which will be the focus of Naked at Our Age, with commentary and tips from sex therapists, physicians, couples counselors, and other valuable experts.

The problem with Better Than I Ever Expected, many readers told me, was that it was too upbeat! “My sex life isn’t ‘better than I ever expected,’” many of you wrote me, and here’s why it’s not….” You confided questions and problems and shared intimate details of your obstacles to a satisfying sex life in later life, and you continue to write to me, thank you.

That's why I'm inviting all of you to tell me which problems and issues you hope my new book will address, what experiences you'd like to learn about, and what questions you wish you could ask an expert (I'll find the right expert to answer you). Post a comment below -- instructions here if this is new to you -- or, if you'd like me to follow up with you, email me.

If you'd like a copy of the interview to be a part of this new book, please email me and I'll send it right out.


To the wonderful people who have already sent me your interviews, questions, and stories, and shared so candidly the intimate details of your personal experiences: Thank you. Please accept my apology for the delay. I'm sure you understand that my dear Robert's illness and death put this project on hold. I'll be writing you all personally within the next few days to invite updates to your stories.

I also apologize if you've emailed me questions and not heard from me. I'm 300 emails behind, and I'm working on catching up.

Thank you!

Joan

If Not Now, When Do We Live Fully?

"Putting your own life/needs/emotions on hold can’t be healthy for you," I told someone yesterday, and it reminds me of how often I find myself saying that.

A reader writes that she has a sexless and even touchless marriage, but can't support herself financially so she's staying. A male friend of mine in his sixties can't decide whether his current relationship is right for him, so he doesn't decide, he just goes along. A reader in his fifties will start exploring relationships after he moves. A woman says she will feel sexier after she loses weight. A couple hasn't had sex for years but won't see a therapist because they think they should figure it out on their own.

I often ask people of our age who have put their own happiness and passions on hold, “If not now, when?”

If you’ve read much of my blog, you know that I lost my beloved husband, Robert Rice, to cancer last August. He was an artist, a dancer, a thinker, and a teacher to all who knew him. As long as he could stand upright, he painted in his studio every day, creating amazing art, yet always striving for that elusive best painting -- maybe his next. He painted some of his most magnificent work in his last two years.

“Do you feel like you’re living on borrowed time,” I asked Robert one morning as he pulled on his paint-splattered jeans and sweater.

“I AM living on borrowed time,” he told me. Then he kissed me and rushed off to tend his garden for a couple of hours before heading to the studio.

I’m making myself cry writing this, but I admired him (and admire him still) for always going towards his goals, his love for life and creativity, and his passion for love itself, even when he knew he was dying.

We all have a death sentence, we just don’t know when it is. As we age, though, we get many reminders of our mortality, some subtle (aches in new places, parts that don’t work 100% like they used to), some not subtle at all (a cancer diagnosis, a spinal or hip fracture, parts that don't work at all).

It seems to me that we have a responsibility to ourselves and to life itself to live fully, productively, and lovingly -- as long as we can.

As I reread this post, I realize that it's a lesson I have to relearn in my own life now as I emerge from the dark place of grief and make my way back to life, work, sunshine, and joy.

Thank you, Robert, for the lessons you taught me so well.

Blowguard: A New Kind of Safe Sex?

Disclaimer: The following is NOT my usual "I've tried it and it's good" review -- it's not a review at all. I have never used the Blowguard or seen it (except in Web photos). I am NOT promoting this product and have no idea if it's good, or if anyone needs it in the first place, or even if it's for real. So why am I writing about it? If I don't, who will?


Fellatio without teeth. I know, if that's one of your sex acts of choice, you've had decades of experience learning how NOT to use your teeth while giving a man the pleasures of oral sex. But pretend for a moment that you haven't learned how to control your dental attributes (or you've been watching True Blood on HBO before sex), and your guy scoots into a corner of the bed and hides under the covers when your mouth approaches his nether regions. The Blowguard, apparently, was invented to address the problem of enamel (or fangs) meeting penis. It also holds dentures in place during oral sex play, if you read the website carefully.

Now here's the scary part: The Blowguard has a mini-vibrator in it. That may appeal to the fellatio recipient, but I can't imagine it would feel good (or safe) to the giver who now has a mouthful of vibrating plastic. If you've tried this product, I hope you'll leave a comment. (No advertising, just user comments, please.)

I'd love to hear from you with your tales of teeth + penis, if this is indeed a big problem out there. I'd also like your suggestions for more weird sex devices to tell all of you about -- either odd devices that are available now, or some that ought to be invented... or not.

SF Bay Area Man, 62, seeks compatible woman

I get emails from both men and women of our age, wondering if the partners they seek exist, and if so, where to find them. Sometimes their emails to me sound like enticing personals ads or online dating profiles, like this one from Ron:

Transplanted New Yawker now living in the San Francisco Bay Area - youthful, intelligent, energetic, 62-year-old product of the '60s who finds himself alone and both emotionally and sexually frustrated.

I'm looking for a woman compatible with my philosophy and lifestyle: vegetarian, environmental/animal advocate, non-materialistic though not ascetic, nature lover, low-tech. I have many interests and possess an irreverent, warped, at times bawdy sense of humor. A good conversationalist/listener, playful and mature for my age (LOL). Still some hair left on my head, diminutive in stature but in proportion to my weight, free of facial follicles, metal implants or body art (prefer women who can say the same). Have become a rather serious birder and am involved with the local Audubon chapter. Enjoy movies, walks, live music, travel, photography, among other activities.

My libido is very much intact, even if the machinery does not work as it once did. My imagination, creativity and desire to please and be pleased in the erotic realm, however, have not abated one bit.

My ideal woman would be intelligent, mature, funny, affectionate, compassionate, easygoing, down to earth, love the outdoors and animals, have a good head on her shoulders, serious when warranted but able to find the humor in almost anything. Maybe an earth mother type who has retained the best of traditional hippie values but with some seasoning and wisdom that comes with age and experience. Someone who has the time and inclination to literally and figuratively stop to smell the roses, listen to the birds sing and share the simple pleasures of life.

I have not clicked with anyone for quite some time and no longer even know where to find potentially appropriate partners. What's a boy to do?

I generally refuse to do matchmaking, but over several emails, Ron has struck me as someone who has a lot to give. If you live in the SF Bay Area and you're a great fit for Ron, email me and I'll see what I can do to put you together -- just this once, though!

For the rest of you, can you help me advise Ron where he will meet women with like interests in the SF Bay Area? I have a few ideas where women who fit Ron's wish list might be hanging out, and I invite you to lengthen my list:

• Join Sierra Singles.
  
• Set up a birding singles group.
  
• Spend this weekend at the Kate Wolf Festival .
  
• Spend time in Berkeley, West Marin, and Sebastopol.
  
• Take my line dancing class in Sebastopol or Santa Rosa. (80-90% of line dancers are women, very friendly and welcoming, and most have single women friends.)

Senior Sex & Vibrators: Myths & Facts

You're asking intriguing questions about sex toys and senior sex lately, both out loud and by email, and I'm hearing some misconceptions I'd like to clear up.

Q: Doesn't using a vibrator decrease sensitivity over time so I won't have orgasms as easily?

A: Actually, it's the opposite. As we age, we get less blood flow to the clitoris and vagina, and the vaginal walls get thinner. Most of us need more arousal time and more time to reach orgasm after we're aroused. Vibrators enhance sensitivity by increasing blood flow to the genitals quickly and powerfully, and by directly stimulating the clitoris. (The clitoris is our #2 pleasure hot spot -- #1 is our brain!)

Q: My lover is worried that if I use a vibrator, I'll prefer it to him.

A: Not a chance. A vibrator may give you quicker orgasms (that's what it's made for, after all), but it doesn't cuddle well or kiss or laugh, and pillow talk with a vibrator is really boring. It either buzzes or it doesn't. It's a dull companion -- except when you need a sexual assist.

Q: My lover says I should reach orgasm "naturally" and not have to use a sex toy.

A: I hate those "should's." Point out to him where his penis contacts you during intercourse vs. where your clitoris resides. And when he arouses you manually, which I hope he does, point out that he's less likely to get carpal tunnel syndrome from your long arousal time if he incorporates a vibrator in arousal play. That's right, it's not a choice between him or it -- make it a threesome: the two of you using the vibrator together.

Q: I had two friends who burned themselves with sex toys. Aren't they dangerous?

A: The cheaper ones are cheap for a reason. They generally have no quality standards in materials or construction -- they're called "novelty items," and I don't recommend them. If your eyes widen at the price of the vibrators I recommend on this blog, consider that I only recommend safe products of medical-grade materials, careful construction, and the best design and function for our older (still sexually passionate!) bodies. You're paying for research & development and high-quality material that won't degrade, leach chemicals, break, overheat, or burn. That's also why I recommend shopping in woman-friendly sex shops (brick-and-mortar or online) with an emphasis on health and education, like the ones I link to.


Q: I've been reading your blog for three years, and suddenly it's sex toys, sex toys, sex toys.

A: I've been a widow for 10-1/2 months. 'Nuff said?

Younger Men Seeking Older Women

I get frequent emails from men age 19-40+ who are attracted to women age 50-70+. They ask me how to meet women who might be open to a relationship with a much younger man.

I also hear from women who are surprised by -- and welcome! -- a younger man's interest, and others who would rather not date someone younger than their son. An example in that last camp is "Granny B" who describes her blog this way:

GrannyBoogies on the highway of life!
The life and adventures of a senior woman looking for her last Love. Is there sex after 70? Do senior dating services work? Will Granny find her soul mate?

Granny B recently posted about being pursued by a younger man via an online dating site. I posted this comment on her blog:

On my blog about sex and aging, I hear from younger men all the time who are attracted to older women and ask how to connect with them. These men say they value the woman's experience, self-knowledge, ease of communication in and out of bed. If you're honestly not attracted to a man younger than your son (every man is somebody's son!), then you're right to send him on his way gently. But if you're intrigued, you might get to know him!

Many of the younger men who write me describe warm memories about being introduced to sex by an older woman. Others tell me they respond to the wisdom and maturity of an older woman.

Check out my other posts on this subject.

Note to the men who want to talk about this. Yes, I welcome your comments here and your emails to me, but please -- we're talking about this subject with dignity. Do not send me your masturbatory fantasies or make me the object of them! (Please don't be insulted by this request -- I'm only saying this because it has happened a few times and that's not what this blog is about.)

LELO's GIGI: slim, smooth, sensual

Sex-toy designers are catching on to the notion that sexual enhancement products (okay, vibrators) that work best for women's anatomy might not be in the shape of a penis (or dolphin, rabbit, and so on) but rather a design that actually fits the way we're shaped and makes contact with our hot spots most effectively. As we age, our bed buddy also needs to be pleasant to hold for an extended time without inflaming arthritic wrists or burning out before we do.

I've had the pleasure of testing the lovely GIGI "sensual pleasure object" from LELO. The rechargeable GIGI specializes in G-spot stimulation, and it's also dandy for clitoral stimulation. (If you like both, just alternate placement!) Choose from five intensities/modes, or vary as your arousal increases. I would have liked just one more, extremely intense setting, but for the size, it's amazing.

It's also quiet, in case the grandkids are in the next room. The part that does its magic is available in rose (pictured, though it's not as shocking a color as my point-and-shoot camera thinks), turquoise, or "petal pink" to match the decor or make it easy to find in the toybox. A lovely product!


As you'll see from other recent sex-toy reviews, we now have a swell selection to choose from or alternate, if you like variety. Thank you, designers, and enjoy, dear readers!

Speaking Up for "Pro-Aging"

Being pro-age is the antidote to anti-age marketing, proclaims Debra D. Bass in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 06/06/2009.

"Aging is not optional, so forgive me if I'm a little annoyed by the 'anti-age' marketing bandwagon," writes Ms. Bass. "...In response to the ridiculousness, I've adopted a pro-aging policy."

So have I! I relish aging, because -- let's face it -- the alternative is dying. Let's see, aging... dying... aging... dying -- is it even a fair fight to select the winner?

When Robert died -- far too young, just 71, and in the prime of his emotional life, his creativity, and his ability to love fully -- I wished he had been able to get old. Why do we fight it?

I knew a young (by my standards) man who was devastated by his oncoming 40th birthday. Loving his youth, good looks, and physical prowess, he kept saying, "I can't turn 40!" He died in a motorcycle crash right before turning 40.

Be careful what you say and believe, and instead of fearing and hating aging, embrace it.

I grew up always looking years younger than I was, a real problem in my childhood and adolescence, but not so bad as the decades swiftly passed. Now, at 65, I do believe I look my age (remind me to post a current photo), and I'm happily settled into this aging process and the emotional growth that goes with it.

Don't think I'm sitting back and letting my body fall apart: I dance nine or more hours a week, do an hour of Pilates twice a week, and aim for 10,000+ steps every day. (I wear an Omron pedometer everywhere, to the amusement of my friends.) I'm trying to redefine what aging looks like and feels like by staying physically and mentally fit and focused.

This blog is about sex and aging, and I firmly believe that how we feel about our own aging process affects everything else, including sex, relationships, the love we have to give, and our enjoyment of life. Robert and I gloried in our aging bodies. We saw wrinkles as badges of experience, and every tingly sensation we experienced together or apart was reason to exalt the joy (and face the challenges) of living in aging bodies.

Heating Up with Emotional Bliss

What a lovely day when my special package of solo sex accoutrements from Emotional Bliss arrived from England! From the moment I opened the box, I was impressed by the elegant design of these vibrators -- I mean "intimate massagers" -- designed for women.

Emotional Bliss knows women. The Womolia and the Femblossom are both contoured to touch and surround a woman's most erotic nerve endings, not only the clitoris, but also the sensitive labia. The tapered tip can be inserted to stimulate the sensitive entrance to the vagina, or, if you prefer, it doesn't need to penetrate at all for more direct clitoral stimulation. Put it over your erotic contours and it will stay there, hands-free, or press or rock it with your hand for added intensity.

Speaking of intensity! The Womolia and the Femblossom tease you with nine vibrational speeds and intensities. Press the easily accessible button to make the vibrations stronger, milder, pulsing, steady, or surprising (some settings ramp the intensity up and down). One setting amps up in a way that reminds me of singing the scale -- Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-DO!

Besides the shape, the Womolia and the Femblossom are unique because they heat up! I mean literally. After about 15 minutes, they get deliciously hot. I don't mean they're overheating like some vibrators in our past that came with instructions to turn off after 20 minutes of use (at our age, 20 minutes may be just getting started). No, these erotic helpers are designed to get hot. The brochure suggests leaving the massager turned on for 10-15 minutes before use, but you might enjoy letting the warm-up happen while you're using it instead.

The difference between the two massagers is shape. The Femblossom stimulates the clitoris and a large area of the vulva, while the Womolia aims itself more directly at the clitoris and/or inserts readily into the first two inches of the vagina, the most sensitive area.

Want something small and subtle that you can use either solo or with a partner instead? The Isis and the Chandra are like vibrating fingers. Slide one on your(or a partner's)finger, push the button, and it becomes a vibrating extension of the finger wearing it. The Chandra is slightly larger and more intense then the Isis.

All of these vibrators are medical-grade silicone and come with a charger (you never have to deal with batteries), lubricant, and a blue storage box. The instruction booklet is detailed and dignified in text and photos, and even a first timer will learn exactly what to do and how. After that, experiment and enjoy!


Emotional Bliss is based in England and ships to the UK, Europe, and the USA. For other locations, contact them.

Changing society's view of senior sex

I'm delighted that this blog has been selected by several sites for their "best of the web" list! Here are some honors we've received in the past few months:

Ultrasound Technician Schools lists Better Than I Ever Expected as one of the "50 Best Blogs for Your Anti-Aging Toolbelt" -- and the only blog dealing with sexuality.

Seniors for Living includes us in their Top 100 Senior Blogs & Web Sites, noting, "Joan Price offers straight talk about sex after 60, aiming to prove that older women are not sexless."

RN Central, a resource for nurses and nursing students, recommends our blog in its "Top 100 Health and Wellness Sites for Seniors."

It warms my heart that senior sex is finally becoming accepted in society as we struggle to talk out loud about it. When my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty first came out at the end of 2005, it attracted media attention, partly because it made mainstream America go "Eeeeuuu, ick!" But now, so many books and magazine articles deal with senior sex that it's starting to be accepted as "normal," even trendy.

We're also listed on sex-positive sites that address all age groups. This is important, too, because we need to show young people that we sexy seniors/boomers/elders aren't alien creatures, and that our juniors have plenty to look forward to as they age.

Thank you to the forward-thinking people who selected this blog as worthy of their "best of" listings and blog rolls -- I appreciate it tremenously. And if you've just happened on this blog, welcome. Please stay a while and read past blog posts and comments. See the "labels" list at the right, or just sample at will.

As I like to say, we're changing society's view of sex and aging -- one mind at a time.

Wedded at 93 and 89

"Each of us is living a lonely life. Why not get married?" Ebenezer Rose, 93, asked as he proposed to Monica Hayden, 89, reports Michael Laforgia in the Miami Herald. So they did.

Rose had been widowed for four years after 58 years of marriage; Hayden had survived two husbands. They had known each other through their church for 20 years, but only recently started keeping company.

As I start to heal after losing Robert ten months ago, I am struck by this story as a testament to the remarkable ability of the heart to heal after tremendous loss and open itself again to love. The story of Ebenezer Rose and Monica Hayden illustrates the power of love, whatever the age of the lovers, and the basic, human need for affection and intimacy.

Love and Lust with Bill and Desiree

Bill and Desiree: Love is Timeless is a remarkably tender and realistic erotic documentary about senior sex from Comstock Films. Bill and Desiree are in love, and as erotic as their lovemaking are the heart-to-heart gazes they give each other, the intertwined fingers, the way Bill's hand lightly grazes Desiree's breast as they talk to the camera, the gentle corrections they make to each other's stories.

She looks in her 50s, he in his 60s, and their love is fresh and tender after 3-1/2 years together. They are buoyantly, joyously, agelessly sexual together, laughing as they make love, reveling in their connection. Much of the documentary is interview -- we hear how they met, where they first made love, why they love each other, and how important sex is to both of them. The commentary is interspersed with flashes of their sexual activity.

Then, done talking, they make love... for a long time. The lovemaking is clearly genuine, no "money shots" for the camera or fake screams or bouncing boobs. Instead, we see Bill give Desiree several orgasms with fingers, mouth, and toys before getting to the main course. Although we see every body part close up, we tend to focus on the love and joy in their faces (or at least I did) more than their delightfully frisky genitals.

I liked how unlike traditional porn this film is. This is an aging couple -- sexy, playful, and in love. They have body hair. They use lubricant. They make eye contact. He is dashing with his salt-and-pepper hair and fit body, and the softness of his caresses matters much more than the age spots on his hands. (She looks great, too, but I confess I spent most of my time watching him.)

Have you viewed this film or others like it? I hope you'll comment.

Women & Men Talk about Sex & Aging, Berkeley, CA

If you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, I hope you’ll come to my June 15 workshop at Good Vibrations in Berkeley and forward the description below to your friends who might be interested.

The workshop will be informative and entertaining as we share attitudes, experiences, questions, and answers with other men and women our age. Bring your burning questions and an open mind, and be prepared to get candid answers! Thanks – and please let me know if you’re coming. -- Joan

From Good Vibrations:

Ask Me, I'll Tell You: Women and Men Talk about Sex and Aging (After Hours Workshop)
When: Mon, June 15, 8pm – 10pm
Where: Good Vibrations Berkeley, 2504 San Pablo Avenue (at Dwight Way), Berkeley, CA 94702

$25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins; Please call 510-841-8987 to reserve a seat.

For many people, sex and aging are two of the hardest topics to talk about. Add in the challenges of communicating across the genders and it can sometimes seem impossible. But Joan Price, ageless sexuality advocate, and author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty is here to help! In this interactive and fun discussion night, you'll have a chance to get the answers you're looking for. Joan will guide an evening of conversation and discovery, and will help everyone in the room learn from each other. For couples & singles, men & women. If you're 50+, or you plan to be, this workshop is for you. For more info about Joan, please visit her website at http://www.joanprice.com/ and her blog at http://www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/.

We strongly recommend reserving your seat in our workshops. Some of our classes fill up and signing up early will make sure you can attend them. Other workshops have smaller attendance and we may cancel an event if only a few people are signed up in advance. Early pre-registration is the best way to avoid disappointment.

Please call Good Vibrations at 510-841-8987 during store hours to register for this class. We’ll need your name, phone number and a credit card number to reserve a seat. However, we will only charge your card if you don’t come to the class and you don’t cancel your reservation by 3 pm on the day of the class. Registration fees can be paid in cash or credit card when you arrive. We’ll be open at 7:30 pm and all workshops are from 8-10 pm. We suggest that you plan to arrive a few minutes early to check in at the counter.

I’ll also be speaking at One Taste in San Francisco on August 21 – I'll post more details later.

Senior Sex + Internet Porn = ?

Jake Lazere is conducting a research project with a professor in Applied Psychology at New York University about whether/ how/ how much people over sixty view Internet pornography. Jake invited me to pass his request along to you, writing, "Your blog is very important for supporting sexuality late in life; it helps dispel the myth that people over sixty are no longer sexually active and enables an open atmosphere for dialogue about a significant but often unacknowledged topic."

Jake describes the purpose of the survey:

Our survey would further shed light into the sexual activities of seniors for the academic community; it examines the role of Internet pornography on senior citizen sexuality. Because senior citizens today (age 60 and up for the sake of this study) are exposed to the internet much later in life than younger generations and because these same people grew up in a time when society was generally more sexually conservative, the information from previous studies on adolescents or adults and internet pornography can not be applied to this age demographic. Internet pornography is easily accessible, anonymous, and inexpensive, and it can have both beneficial (supplementary to a healthy sex life) and harmful (anti-social) outcomes; this study inquires about the use of internet pornography by senior citizens and the effects it has on their lives.

You know that I support efforts to combat the myths about senior sexuality by talking out loud (anonymous surveys are fine, too) about our attitudes, experiences, pleasures, and problems. Whether or not Internet pornography is part of your erotic life, I hope you'll look at his senior sexuality research blog and click through to the survey, or, if you prefer, contact Jake.

Man, 41, attracted to women, 60-70+

I hear from men frequently who want to date older women and ask how to find/ attract/ approach the women they desire. I hear from very young men (teens and 20s) who had their first -- and wonderful! -- sexual experience with a much older woman and want to recapture the joy. I hear from men in their 30s and 40s who are drawn to the wisdom, experience, and beauty in women decades older. For example, TW wrote me recently:

I am a 41-year-old male. I don't have any problem attracting women around my own age. That is fairly easy for me. But, I do have great difficulties attracting women who are much older than I am.

I am mostly attracted to older women who are in their 60s and 70s. I am not looking for a serious relationship. Just casual dating with someone I can see occasionally with the possibility of intimacy or sex. I don't where to go to meet older women. I've tried some internet dating sites. The women on those sites respond by sending me an email telling me that I am too young or that they have a problem with the age difference.

I welcome anyone's ideas and suggestions. Especially from men who have had successful experiences with older women. Also, I greatly welcome any suggestions from older women themselves.

Personally, I advise TW to get out and do the social activities he enjoys, where he'll meet women who enjoy the same activities. That way, it's easy to strart a conversation with a stranger because you already have something in common to talk about. Someone like TW would meet someone like me, for example, social dancing or at bookstores, coffee shops, gyms, walking trails, and vegetarian restaurants.

Once TW spies a woman who attracts him, I would NOT suggest the "Hey, you're hot and I love older women, wanna go to my place?" approach. Instead, open the conversation with comments on the activity you're sharing or ask her for advice, e.g., depending on where you are and what you're doing,

"You're a really good dancer -- would you dance the next one with me?"
"Have you read any books by this author?"
"Your workout is obviously working for you -- you look terrific. Do you recommend the aerobics classes here?"

And so on. You may be hoping to share the sheets with her, but you still need to show her that you appreciate more than her genitals. Remember that her most vital sex organ is her brain.


Readers, I invite you to add your own experiences and tips for TW. If you are a 60+-year-old woman who would delight in a fling with a man 2+ decades younger than you, how would you suggest that someone like TW find someone like you? (I'm not offering to play matchmaker, realize, just wanting to help TW know where to look.) If you're a man who has had experience dating older women, please share your experiences.

You can post a comment here, or email me and I'll post it for you. (Try to ride the thin line, please, between candor, which my readers like, and graphic details/street language, which they do not!)

Joan Baez's 96-yr-old mom wants 97 men next birthday

I enjoyed this quote from Joan Baez about her mother in the San Francisco Chronicle:

[She] just turned 96 and had a giant birthday party. She had 96 cupcakes and next year she wants to have 97 men.

I'll bet she wanted 96 men this year instead of cupcakes!

I couldn't find a photo of Joan Baez's mother -- or even her name -- but Baez herself sure looks good after 50 years in the music business:



Her latest album, recorded at age 67, is Day After Tomorrow, filled with the kind of mellow songs of spiritual awakening and social activism that we expect from Baez.

Read this blog on your Kindle

Now you can read our Better Than I Ever Expected blog on your Kindle!

I have to admit that I was skeptical at first -- why would you pay 99 cents a month (as tiny a charge as that is) to view a blog in black-and-white that you can read in color on the Internet for free.

To see the appeal, I signed up for the trial subscription to my own blog and to several others. I really like it!

New posts deliver automatically to my Kindle as soon as they go live. The value of this blog is the content, so who cares if the photos and background are in color or not? I was pleasantly surprised to see that my subscription includes not only the current post, but also the 25 most recent posts. I don't see a way to view the comments, however, so subscribers need to read the Internet version occasionally to catch up on what other readers have to say.

If you're a Kindle reader, go ahead and try the 14-day free trial subscription to this blog and others that interest you. As long as you cancel before the end of the trial, you're not charged a cent. Who knows, you might not want to cancel!

If you're reading this on your Kindle, a warm welcome to you. Here's one more way to open society's mind about sex and aging, one reader at a time.

Vibrating with the Hands-free Cone

My first introduction to the Cone Vibrator was at the 2008 AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) convention. Lively and handsome sex educator Cory Silverberg powered on the Cone, set it on a table, and invited us to gather round.

It must have looked like a futuristic seance -- a group of adults, college age to elders, circling a table, our hands resting on the edges of the table as a bright pink cone-shaped device whirred on top. The Cone sent vibrations through the whole table and into our hands. We all mouthed "Wow!" and I could see the gleams in dozens of eyes as we put the Cone on our "I want one of those!" list.


But at $130? Would it be worth that price? (Oh, yes, I discovered.) And how exactly do you use a cone-shaped vibrator that measures 4-1/2” tall, and 7-3/4” in diameter?

Lucky me, I received my Cone from Good Vibrations and after, uh, studying its appeal for a few weeks, I'm happy to review it for you. (What a job I have!)

First of all, forget all previous notions about what shape a vibrator should be. It doesn't need to look like a penis or a massager -- or a duck, bullet, or lipstick, for that matter. The Cone was designed for utility. It vibrates hard or gently or anything in between, with 16 different settings from which to choose. Start with a purr and graduate to a hum and ultimately a howl. Those are your noises, not the Cone's -- it stays steadily noisy, but you won't care.) Or you can go for the goal right away. Your choice.

The shape lets you use it in all sorts of ways. The tip can penetrate if that's what you like, or you can press any part of the Cone against your clitoris for extreme and focused sensation. You can lie on your stomach or your back with the Cone between your legs, or sit on it, or use it in any way that strikes your fancy.

Here's what makes it special for our age group: Those of us with arthritis, carpal tunnel syndrome, or any other condition that makes it difficult to hold an intensely vibrating object for a long period of time will welcome this device. Our arousal generally takes longer than younger folks, and we need more intense stimulation. That sometimes means that our wrists give out before the crashing waves arrive, or we keep going and then can't type or lift weights for the rest of the day. The Cone operates independently of our wrists. We put it where we want it, and it settles in nicely and stays there, freeing our hands for other activities.

Do you own the Cone? Please share your experiences with it!

5/28/09 Update: How cool. Good Vibrations has posted excerpts of this review with my permission* in the Good Vibrations Magazine. Check it out!

* Please note: posts on this blog may only be republished with permission. To request permission, email me with the header "permission to reprint." Thank you for respecting my copyright. -- Joan

He thinks he can't please her without an erection, so why bother?

An important question was posted recently as a comment to my 2007 blog interview with Michael Castleman who answered my questions about erectile dysfunction. Here's what a reader asked:

I've been in a loving relationship for over two years, its been great. Until now, its taken a complete turnaround. His thinking is because he can't get an erection he's a failure in pleasing me. No matter what I say, his comment is "why bother". I have been completely satisfied with our love making up until now, I am completely confused. Our love and intimacy made our relationship what it was, now what? What do I do?

This question moved me and I asked Michael Castleman if he would answer this reader He promptly replied:

I feel for you. When men develop erection difficulties and withdraw from lovemaking, they often seem completely shut down and unreachable, and no amount of reassurance seems to help.

Of course, such reactions are not unique to men. Imagine that you suddenly gained 100 pounds and no matter how hard you dieted and exercised, you could not lose an ounce. Now imagine that your lover said: "It's all right. It doesn't matter. I still love you, and want to make love with you." Would you believe him? Would you want to have sex?

To most men, sex means erection, and the notion of sex without erection makes a much sense as baseball without bats. But men CAN enjoy sex--and have great sex--without erections. Erection is NOT NECESSARY for male orgasm. Vigorous fondling of the penis by hand, mouth, or sex toy can produce orgasms every bit as intense and satisfying as the ones he used to have with erections. And erection is not necessary for female pleasure or orgasm either. In fact, only 25% of women are reliably orgasmic during vaginal intercourse because the old in-out doesn't provide much clitoral stimulation. Many women prefer a man with a talented tongue and fingers to a guy who just sticks it in.

Of course, it's a major adjustment for men to decouple sex from erection. Given how adamantly your man has been saying "why bother?" I think your best bet would be to try to coax him into joining you in consulting a sex therapist. To find one near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.

If he refuses to go, then I urge you to go by yourself. The therapist can help you cope, and make suggestions you might try at home with him. And the fact that you're going may show him how important the sensual side of your relationship is to you, and eventually he may relent and join you. Good luck!

Michael Castleman, M.A., is "one of the nation's top health writers" (Library Journal). He has specialized in health, medicine, and sexuality for 36 years. He is the author of Great Sex: The Man's Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality (Rodale). From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. His Web site, GreatSexAfter40.com is scheduled to go live in July 2009. For more about him, visit www.mcastleman.com.

Women and Men Talk about Sex and Aging June 15, 2009, Berkeley, CA

Do you live in the San Francisco Bay Area? I have a workshop coming up at Good Vibrations in Berkeley, and I'd love to meet you. Please tell your SF Bay Area friends. (If your organization would like me to come to your area to give a workshop, please email me.)

Ask Me, I'll Tell You: Women and Men Talk about Sex and Aging

Monday, June 15, 2009, 8-10 pm

Workshop for men and women; $25 pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins if space permits (best to pre-register)

Good Vibrations, 2504 San Pablo Ave, Berkeley, CA .

For many people, sex and aging are two of the hardest topics to talk about. Add in the challenges of communicating across the genders and it can sometimes seem impossible. But Joan Price, ageless sexuality advocate, and author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty is here to help! In this interactive and fun discussion night, you'll have a chance to get the answers you're looking for. Joan will guide an evening of conversation and discovery, and will help everyone in the room learn from each other. For couples & singles, men & women. If you're 50+, or you plan to be, this workshop is for you. Preregister at least 24 hours in advance by contacting the Berkeley Good Vibrations (510) 841-8987. You will need to give the staff your name, phone number, and a credit card number.

Here are some comments from past workshop participants:

"Joan is absolutely charming, totally honest in her self-disclosure in the service of teaching us. I would recommend this to any older man or woman experiencing difficulty or disinterest."

"I liked your warmth and down to earth manner, your sincerity."

"You were frank and blunt -- endearingly so."

"I liked that you let conversation take place, and we were able to disclose and relate."
"This was a wonderful workshop, very inspiring and entertaining. Lots to look forward to!"

"I was incredibly pleased with her approach and honesty. Great anecdotes and info."
"I think your book and workshop would be great for people of all ages, especially, but not limited to, those who have gone through accidents, trauma, cancer/disease, chronic fatigue, depression, physical disability, and childbirth."

10 Tips for Hot Sex after Sixty

This blog has welcomed thousands of new readers since I first posted these tips in April 2006, so I'm posting them again for your pleasure. If you'd like a pretty, print-worthy, colorful page of these tips in .pdf format, email me and I'll send them to you.

1. Slo-o-o-w-w down. Yes, it takes longer to warm us up. Fortunately, one of the best things about mid-life and later-life sex is the absence of urgency for our partners, also. They enjoy slow sex as much as we do! Make sex play last hours... or days.

2. Kiss and kiss. Kiss sweetly, passionately, quickly, slowly, contentedly, hungrily, lightly, sloppily. All kinds of kisses help you bond with your partner, warm up, and enjoy the moment.

3. Appreciate, decorate, and celebrate your own and your partner's bodies. Jewelry, lingerie, feathers, fringe, silk, velvet, massage oil, candlelight--whatever looks good, feels good,

4. Do sexy things together long before you hit the sheets. Dance together. Visit lingerie or sex toy shops. Leave sexy notes in each other's pockets. Give each other little gifts.

5. Do sexy things on your own to get yourself in the mood. Wear sexy lingerie under your everyday clothes. Work out. Swim. Dance. Fantasize. Write in your journal all the sexy things you want to do together. Spend some time humming with your vibrator.

6. Make love during high energy times. Midnight sex after a romantic meal may work for young folks, but we're more likely to feel full, bloated, and ready to sleep. Instead, make sex dates in the morning or afternoon. (Why do you think they call it "afternoon delight"?)

7. Explore sex toys and other erotic helpers. Our hormonally challenged bodies may need extra help to reach orgasm these days. Lucky for us that sex toys are easy to find, fun to try, and wow, do they work!

8. Use a silky lubricant. We don't have the natural moisture we used to, but there are many different lubricants that feel great and bring back the joy of friction. When your partner applies it, it becomes an erotic part of sex play.

9. Enjoy quality snuggle time before, during, and afterwards. Holding each other, feeling the warmth and texture of each other's skin, is one of the sweetest and sexiest parts of making love.

10. Laugh a lot. Play silly games, invent special words, tease each other, rediscover your childhood together. Laughter is bonding, joyful, ageless--and sexy.

(These tips are copyright 2006 by Joan Price and may not be reprinted without permission from Joan Price. Thank you!)

Sex Cushions for Comfort

"Don't forget to tell them about the sex pillow!" Robert always reminded me as I was leaving to give a workshop about senior sexuality. Indeed, if you experience discomfort due to a medical condition, or just the aches and pains of living and loving in aging bodies, experiment with firm, ergomically shaped pillows made especially for sex. You'll find an amazing difference once you've found the one that works best for you.

For us, our friend the Wedge (photo, right) was our regular companion, permitting me to lie comfortably on my back with a lifted bottom and allow Robert free movement on his knees. This has especially helped us during episodes of back injury, knee pain, and arthritis flares, as well as delightful encounters when we have no aches or pains. Using a firm, specially shaped cushion also provides optimal comfort and convenience for enhancing lovemaking with a favorite sex toy. (Our personal favorite, as you must know by now -- the Eroscillator, the only sensual product endorsed and recommended by Dr. Ruth Westheimer.)

A wonderful option with plenty of choice is the variety of pleasure pillows from Pillow Talk. Check out The Pleasure Set (see photo), a collection of sturdy, cotton-canvas covered cushions designed especially to enhance sexual positions and activities. For example, put the thin Meditation Wedge (12"L x 12"W x 3"H) behind your knees and kneeling becomes much more comfortable. You can choose different cushions to adjust any position for back support, neck support, or any other kind of support you need. These cushions come with a book, Pillow Talk, which guides you through their use during Tantra or whatever type of sex (or sleeping, for that matter) that you prefer.

Have you experimented with different types of pillows and cushions for comfort and pleasure? Let me know your favorites!

Podcast: Sex & Intimacy, Senior Style

Hear life coach Chip August interview me for his Sex & Intimacy podcast series on Personal Life Media. We chatted about senior sex, what it was like to write Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty (especially for Robert, an artist and a private person, who found himself negotiating which details about our sex life would appear on the printed page), and helpful tips for a better sex life at our age.

We discussed, for example, that an older women's lack of lubrication does not mean she isn't sexual aroused, and how applying lubricant can bring back the joy of friction and become part of the love play. I tell men "what we women really want" (listen up, guys!) and why sex toys can take us over the top.

Chip August is a marvelous interviewer -- lively, informed, sex-positive, and smart. Do listen to the podcast, which you can hear online or find on iTunes.

Never too late for love: wedding couple aged 80 + 84

I was catching up on a week-old Sunday New York Times on my Kindle. I came upon the wedding announcements, which I usually skip -- when I spotted this one:

Anne Wallach, Gerald Maslon
... The bride, 80, is an author in New York... The bridegroom, 84, is a retired lawyer.

The couple met at Harvard in 1947, when they were both dating other people, whom they would later marry. The two couples stayed friends. Wallach was widowed in 2003; Maslon in 2005. Afterwards, they began dating. On May 1, 2009, they married.

Age is certainly no barrier to love. According to The New York Times,

Ms. Wallach said she still sees Mr. Maslon as he was when he was a law student — with dark hair and carrying a green book bag.

She says she wonders if he sees her in the same way and even addresses that thought in a novel she is writing: “Jack and I were young together. He’s always that boy in a tweed jacket swooping toward me on his bike. Am I a girl with a smooth face and long blonde hair to you, Jack?”

...
“She asks me that all the time,” he laughed. “Yeah, but I like her the way she is now.”

He's History, You're Not: Interview with Erica Manfred

It was Christmas Eve, 2000, the day before her 55th birthday. Erica Manfred, clad in a flannel nightgown, asked her husband why he had been so distant lately, not wanting sex, or even conversation.

"I want to leave you," he said.

"There's someone else," he continued, naming a co-worker half Erica's age. "I'm in love with her. She's my soul mate."

After eighteen years together, Erica had to face that her marriage was abruptly, painfully, horribly over.

In the next years, Erica Manfred went on to make every mistake in the book. The good news is that "the book" has just been published -- He's History, You're Not: Surviving Divorce After 40 -- and she learned from her mistakes in time to help you avoid them.

Divorce is different for women in their forties, fifties, and sixties, and Erica Manfred addresses those special concerns head-on, from grieving to financial to dating and sex. She spills her guts, disclosing even embarrassing experiences with emotional nakedness. Her tips are invaluable, and her candor will make you feel she’s your best friend sharing her mistakes so you don’t have to make them. Through it all, she even manages to be laugh-out-loud funny!

I had the pleasure of interviewing Erica Manfred:

JP: What are the signs that your marriage is in trouble?

EM: You can't remember the last time you had (or enjoyed) sex with your husband. You're stuck in a deadlocked relationship where you "always" do X and he "always" does Y. You have no emotional connection. You wish you could go on vacation without him.

JP: How do you start dating again when your perky parts have gone south and so has your self-image?

EM: Good question Joan. All the women I interviewed lost weight, started going to the gym or exercising like crazy, got manicures, pedicures, new hair colors, makeovers. Buying a new wardrobe helps. Aside from that, act “as if” you’re devastatingly sexy even if you don’t feel that way. Make believe you’re Susan Sarandon or Madonna even if it feels silly. It works.

JP: Give us some tips about dating at our age.

EM: Nothing has changed since high school, except now you want to get laid more than he does, but you still have to play hard to get. Depressing but true. Remember the guys you’re dating came of age in the 50s and they’re not used to getting asked out on dates. They need to do the pursuing.

JP: How soon is too soon to get involved with a new lover?

EM: I’d say give it at least a year after the breakup of a long marriage. Jumping into a new relationship too early can leave you more devastated than when your marriage ended. That said, if you’re hot to trot, experiment a little. Just don’t take it seriously until you’re ready.

JP: What did you do after your divorce that you’re embarrassed to admit now?

EM: Jumped into bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Literally. My first lover was Harry and he was a cutie. I was a tad too promiscuous.

JP: What do you wish more women in this situation knew?

EM: How to stop being so dependent on men. You can take care of yourself, pay the bills, get the roof fixed and even live happily alone if you have to. The bad news is there aren’t enough men to go around. The good news is you don’t need a man to be happy.

Going Gray -- win a book!

My hair is now officially natural. I stopped coloring it about six months ago (see some photos here of my "transition") and now my short hair is naturally tri-colored: about 60 percent gray (let's call it silver), with a determined back layer of brown, and a couple of little pops of almost-white. I had never seen my natural hair color since I started coloring it more than 15 years ago. I had no idea what might be happening at the root of things. I like the change.

In between trips to the mirror, I read Going Gray: What I Learned about Beauty, Sex, Work, Motherhood, Authenticity, and Everything Else That Really Matters by Anne Kreamer. Kreamer decided to stop coloring her hair at age 49, after coloring it since age 25. The book is a personal exploration of her journey to gray, but even more interesting, a social, historical, and psychological commentary on how hair color, age, and self-image mesh -- or don't.

In one of the most fascinating chapters, "Dating -- My Three-City Match.com Road Test," Kreamer posts an online dating profile to test whether men seeking date matches respond differently to gray hair. She posts identical photos on identical Match.com profiles in three different cities, except that she posts first as a brunette for a few weeks, removes the profile, and then a few months later, posts a gray-haired photo. I would love to tell you how that came out, but it's such a marvelous part of the book (including the reactions of her husband as she trolled for dates!) that I'm going to encourage you to read it for yourself.

What about you? Did you meet someone after you had settled into your silver hair when romance had eluded you as a blonde? Did responses to your online dating profile go up or down after you posted a new, natural-color photo? Did you go gray and then return, screaming, to your colorist to camouflage your tresses? Did you discover that your face and skin match better now that you're no longer ebony-haired?

Tell me your story and win a book! When Hachette Book Group, the publisher of Going Gray, learned that I would be blogging about this book, they offered me five (5!) copies to give away in a contest! Interested? Here's what you do:

Email me your 2-3 paragraph story about how deciding to go gray changed your dating life, self-image, and/or sex life -- for better or worse. Include your real name, age, and address, plus a first name of your choice which will be used to identify you if I publish your story or an excerpt on my blog. Yep, you have to agree to go public using your code name and age. No other ID will be published unless you request it (if you're a writer, performer, or other person in the public eye and you want your story told with your name).

Please put "Going Gray contest" in the subject line of your email. If your story is among the first five that I love (I reserve the right to be totally subjective), you'll receive a free copy of Going Gray directly from the publisher. What a deal!

Joan's Upcoming Events

I'd love to meet you in person! Here are some of my upcoming events. If you are involved with an event or organization and you are interested in having me speak to your group, please email me. See more information about my aging & sexuality talks here. As you see from my past events, I also speak about fitness -- more information here.


Straight Talk About Sex After Fifty
Monday, May 11, 2009, 8-10 pm
Workshop for women only
$25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins
Good Vibrations, 2504 San Pablo Ave, Berkeley, CA .
Yes, sex after sixty has its challenges, but it can also be sizzling and satisfying. Joan Price, ageless sexuality advocate, fitness expert, and author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty will help you face the challenges and celebrate the joys of older-age sexuality. By sharing experiences and learning with other women in a spirit of candor, acceptance, creativity, and humor, you’ll take home new tools, techniques, and attitudes that help women over 50, 60 or 70 experience hot, joyful sex with or without a partner. Preregister at least 24 hours in advance by contacting the Berkeley Good Vibrations (510) 841-8987 . You will need to give the staff your name, phone number, and a credit card number.

Ask Me, I'll Tell You: Women and Men Talk about Sex and Aging
Monday, June 15, 2009, 8-10 pm
Workshop for men and women
$25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins
Good Vibrations, 2504 San Pablo Ave, Berkeley, CA .
For many people, sex and aging are two of the hardest topics to talk about. Add in the challenges of communicating across the genders and it can sometimes seem impossible. But Joan Price, ageless sexuality advocate, and author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty is here to help! In this interactive and fun discussion night, you'll have a chance to get the answers you're looking for. Joan will guide an evening of conversation and discovery, and will help everyone in the room learn from each other. For couples & singles, men & women. If you're 50+, or you plan to be, this workshop is for you. Preregister at least 24 hours in advance by contacting the Berkeley Good Vibrations (510) 841-8987 . You will need to give the staff your name, phone number, and a credit card number.

Please note: These two workshops are completely different. Besides the first being women only (any orientation or relationship status) and the second being men and women (any orientation or relationship status), the topics covered and the format are different. If you're a woman, consider attending both workshops, and if you're a man, please don't miss the June workshop!

(schedule updated 4/21/09)

A New Lesson from Birds and Bees

When birds, bats or bugs make a turn, all they have to do is start flapping their wings normally again and they straighten right out. That came as a surprise to researchers who thought turning and stopping took more steps.

I was reading Science of flight takes a bird's eye view by Randolph E. Schmid from Associated Press and had to stop and reread this part:

...all they have to do is start flapping their wings normally again and they straighten right out.

I read this again, and again. I've been more deeply in grief this past week, thanks to an ankle sprain that rules out the usual daily dancing and walking that I count on to keep my emotional life in balance. Without this exercise and the joy it brings, my healing from grief took a nosedive and I find myself mourning Robert's loss unbearably.

Then I read this article, and I wonder how to flap my wings normally again and straighten out. I'll work on figuring this out.

How have you recovered from grief, tragedy, or even lesser setbacks by flapping your wings normally again?

Update a few hours later:
A friend encouraged me to get outside on this sunny spring day. I went to a park, hopped around on crutches for a while, then settled on a bench in view of the duck pond to read my Kindle.

Suddenly I realized I had a front-row seat to view a sex orgy: a consensual (I hoped) gang bang of six male ducks and one, apparently very sexy, female.

She took on partners, sometimes two alternating suitors bestowing favors in a threesome. Then she shook herself off and ran a bit, letting the lust-struck lads chase her until she slowed down and let herself be caught. The merry chase continued on the grass, in the water, and on the grass again, one or more males mounting her every couple of minutes .

Finally she backed up against a fence and stood with her tired (I assume) nether regions protected while the fellows returned to the water, rising up and beating their wings in what I took to be bragging.

I went back to my Kindle book, happy that I had ventured out in the sunshine, glad I hadn't missed the show!

Daily Show's "Dirty Bird Special" poops on senior sex

About three years ago, I was contacted by a producer of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart about appearing on a segment about the rise in STDs among sexually active seniors. The segment didn't get produced at that time because they wanted to include sexually active elders, preferably unattractive and smarmy who didn't use condoms, who were willing to let a camera and interviewer follow them on their how-to-pick-up-a-sex-partner-escapades.

I knew TDS would ridicule these elders and the whole notion of older-age dating and sex, but I wanted to be a part of the show because I thought I could bring some dignity to the topic.

After months of trying to locate their wild elders (who were likely smarter than I was and wouldn't agree to be ridiculed by The Daily Show), the producer gave up on the segment -- or so I thought.

I went on to be interviewed on the topic of unsafe senior sex by ABC Nightline, which did a fabulous, educational, and respectful segment and included a long interview with me, featuring comments from readers on this blog, in fact.

You know what happened last night if you were watching Comedy Central. On April 9, 2009, The Daily Show aired "Dirty Bird Special" about unsafe senior sex and dating, which featured an 82-year-old horndog ("lookin' for it wherever I can get it") who doesn't believe his genital warts are contagious ("warts are my penis") and hasn't used a condom in 40 years, although he's getting more "tail" now than in his youth.

Although part of the segment showed vivacious Miami elders dancing, dating, and having fun, the interviewer -- who admitted that thinking of seniors having sex produced "gagging sensations" -- was intent on making even social dancing and dating seem seedy, ridiculous, and icky. And I hate to tell you what they did with the segment about safer-sex education at a Jewish community center. You'll have to view it yourself .

I thank Sue Katz for drawing my attention to this show with her superb blog post about it.

Erotica on a Kindle?

4/1/09 update of 2/12/09 post: I've had my Kindle 2 for a month now, and I love it. I'm reading more than ever because it's so easy to carry as many books as I want in one portable device, and Amazon lets me sample books before buying them. Right now I have about 50 samples on my Kindle -- novels, erotica, memoir, sexuality non-fiction, short story anthologies, grief books, and more -- along with several purchased books and a subscription to the San Francisco Chronicle.

I just ordered an Amazon Kindle 2 e-book reader for myself. I've wanted one forever (at least since Kindle 1 came out) but teased myself with anticipation of the second generation of this device. I love to read and I carry books with me everywhere, and soon I can carry just this little device and have access to all the books I could possibly want.

And yes, this is related to sex. I don't know about you, but sometimes I want to to carry a book of erotica or the latest sex book I'm reviewing for this blog into the coffee shop, the gym, or the airport, but I leave it behind because the blatent cover or title would bring me unwanted public attention.

As soon as my Kindle arrives, I can carry all sorts of books, including those that people assume a 65-year-old woman doesn't read! Of course I'll still have to be wary of people reading over my shoulder or saying, "Oh, is that a Kindle? May I look at it?"

Do you have a Kindle or other e-book reader? What sex-related books do you read on it? An Amazon search on "sex" within Kindle books lists 2,947 books, and "erotica" yields 4,882 titles. That'll keep me busy.

Walking the Human Race for Robert and Hospice

I'll be walking the 10K Human Race in Santa Rosa, CA, on May 9, honoring the memory of my beloved husband, Robert Rice, and raising funds for Hospice. Hospice provided us with the support that allowed Robert to spend the last 10 days of his life in peace, dignity, and -- finally -- the absence of pain.

Nurses, personal care aides, social workers, and caring volunteers came to our home, where he wanted to die. They provided end-of-life medical care, attention, nurturing, daily help, and pain control – all at no charge to us. They answered Robert’s questions and mine, helped keep him comfortable, gently told me what to expect, and treated him with great respect. They were available day and night, around the clock, anytime we needed them – and we needed them often.

After Robert died, the wonderful Hospice staff and volunteers attended to me, providing individual counseling and group grief support that helped me figure out how to make my life work after such a great loss. I have never met a more compassionate group of people, and most are volunteers giving back because Hospice helped them in their time of need.

Those of you who encounter me in person see me dance and hear me laugh these days – I don’t know how I could have done either without Hospice. Those of you who know me and Robert only through my book and blog have witnessed me poking through the shadowy shutdown of grief to communicate with you here, sometimes sadly, but more often joyfully these days, as I embrace the parts of life that fill me with joy and let me help others.

As I heard another widow say, "When does it [the loss] get better? It doesn't get better. But I get better."

If you can help by making a donation to honor Robert and other loved ones who have benefited from Hospice care, please click here to see my Human Race donations page.

Uncovering/ Uncoloring My Hair

It's time for me to let my gray (silver?) hair grow out, I decided last November. My hair stylist, Troy of Troy Michael Salons in Sebastopol, CA, has been helping me "transition" since then, letting my gray/silver emerge while the brown/blonde recedes. At my last appointment, he cut off most of the still-colored hair, revealing me as a 65-year-old, mostly gray/silver-haired woman. (Thank you, Dan Goldes, for the photos.)

I'd wondered for years what color my hair would be if I stopped coloring it. Shimmering silver?All gray? Salt and pepper? Old looking?

When I wondered aloud to Robert, he examined my roots with an artist's eye and said, "I don't think you'd like it -- you'd look ten years older." He wouldn't mind the ten-years-older part, but he was sure I would, being in the public eye and representing zesty sexuality after sixty.

Then after Robert died, everything that mattered before no longer mattered. As I grieved, I found myself re-evaluating every decision, big and little, from whether I could say no to writing deadlines for a year (yes, I could) to whether I should continue coloring my hair.

Bottom line: we don't have the option to stay young. We can either get old, or we can die first. I wish Robert had been able to get old rather than die at 71. That brought it home for me that we only have these two options, which make looking younger than I am seem sort of silly. The point is that we can grow old with vigor, pride, and sensuality -- we don't have to pretend to be young.

I've always valued authenticity. My hair isn't brown with blonde highlights. It's ... I don't know yet, some combination of gray and brown, or maybe all gray. I always insist on telling the truth, so shouldn't I be showing the truth, too? I see women who look beautiful and radiant in their sixties, seventies, eighties, with snow white hair, or silver streaked, or any combination of their natural colors.

You could argue that authenticity doesn't hinge on hair color, any more than it hinges on whether we wear "shaper" bras or let our sagginess show, or whether we bother to get dressed or wear pajamas to the supermarket if we feel like it. We do put effort into looking good because it reveals how we feel about ourselves as well as how we want the public to see us.

And, truth be told, I don't feel brown-haired-with-blonde-highlights any more. I'm looking forward to shining silver.


I'm reading Going Gray by Anne Kreamer, which I'll review when I've finished it. It's an interesting read if you're wondering what to do (or not do) about your hair color, looking at the social, psychological, aesthetic, even political implications.

I find it fascinating that the original, hardcover edition of Going Gray was subtitled, "What I Learned about Beauty, Sex, Work, Motherhood, Authenticity, and Everything Else That Really Matters," and the paperback reprint edition is subtitled, "How to Embrace Your Authentic Self with Grace and Style." I prefer the first subtitle. Which do you prefer?

Seeking Interviews for Joan Price’s New Book

3/3/09 update of 8/6/07 post: As you know if you've been following this blog, I put this book (and everything else) on hold while dealing with Robert's illness and death. I have wonderful personal stories from many generous elders and Boomers willing to share their experiences and attitudes, as well as many helpful tips from experts who want to help me spread solid information. I'm gearing up to return to my work -- it's my mission and it was important to Robert as well. Thank you for your patience and compassion, and I invite more of you to get involved.

Wanted: Women and men over 50, single or partnered, straight or gay, willing to write candidly about your personal experiences and attitudes regarding sex and aging for my new book. I’m seeking your written comments and stories about the trials and challenges as well as the joys of sexuality after 50.

This will be a follow-up to Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex after Sixty and will include stories from singles and couples, women and men, along with strategies for improving those situations that challenge us as we age. It will be more solution-oriented than Better Than I Ever Expected, dealing with the health and relationship problems in greater depth, with more expert tips. While Better was geared towards women (and those who love them!), this book will represent men and women equally.

Would you or any of your age 50+ friends like to be a part of this book? You will be identified by a first name of your choice and your age. Your true identity will be kept strictly confidential.

Interested? Please contact Joan Price now and I'll email you the questionnaire.

Update: I especially need people over 50 who have personal experiences to share in these areas:

• single seniors (men, women, gay, straight) actively dating and/or having sex or choosing not to date or have sex
• gay men, both single and in committed relationships
• couples who have sought counseling to overcome sex/relationship difficulties
• your story about ED/ illness/ pain interfering with sexual enjoyment and how you resolved it, if you did, and how you feel/felt about it.
• physicians with special interest/expertise in senior sex
• sexuality after major health challenge, such as heart surgery, cancer treatment
• sexually active seniors living in countries other than the United States

I'd also like to receive questions that you hope this book will address, even if you don't wish to participate yourself.


Thank you!

Joan Price
Join us -- we're talking about ageless sexuality at http://www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/

[Photo by Constance Cavallas, published with permission]

Lubricants for the fun of friction

I recommend sex educator Corey Silverberg's "Lubricants That Changed the World: Reviews and Recommendations of Personal Lubricants for Sex," an updated look at a selection of modern lubricants formulated specifically for sex play.

As we age, the right lubricant is the difference between pain and pleasure for both partner sex and solo sex. These differ widely by feel (how much slickness, whether it feels natural, for example) and duration (how well it lasts before getting dry or tacky), so it's good to start with information like Corey's.

Your neighborhood drugstore offers just a few of the dozens of brands available, so don't limit yourself. If there's a woman-friendly sex shop near you, plan to hang out and, one at a time, rub a drop of a few different lubes on your hand (no, no fair to try take the tester bottle to the bathroom with you) and see what you like. If taste is important, you can, uh, lick your hand.

If you're not sure what you'd like and there's no convenient place to find out, try buying small samples of a few different types or a sample pack, available from many online sex shops such as Good Vibrations. Enjoy!

"Not only bone dry, but I have shrunk"

My blog posts are occasionally republished with my permission on SuddenlySenior.com and Eldr.com. I thought you'd be interested in a reader question on Eldr and my response:

Have any women readers had this problem? All sorts of hormonal treatments and creams and oils have failed. I am not only bone dry, but I have shrunk. Just when Viagra has done wonders for my husband, I am unavailable. I want so badly to get back what we used to have and be his partner again. We have tried alternative acts, but it just isn't the same. He seems to feel that affection should lead to sex, so we are losing the intimacy we used to have. There are all kinds of dildos and vibrators for women. Are there any fake receptacles for men that we could use? I could use suggestions and advice. My next step is to ignore my embarrasment and try to ask at a "toy" shop.

Thank you for posting these questions -- I know other women are hungry to know the answers, too.

You related many things you tried to resolve the dryness and shrinking (vaginal atrophy), but you did NOT say whether you consulted your physician. This should be your first step -- get the hormone tests, find out what's going on. If you don't want to go on full-out HRT, you might want to use an estrogen ring which is inserted in the vagina.

You definitely want to use a lubricant -- I advise you to try sample sizes of several types until you find one with the degree of slickness and comfort that enhances your pleasure. My personal favorite is Liquid Silk, available from A Woman's Touch, which is also a fabulous educational resource, and even from Amazon.

My book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, offers a number of self-help strategies for just the kinds of problems you relate, and my new book (in progress!) will offer more.

As for whether there are "fake receptacles for men," yes. They're called "penis sleeves" and you can find a varied selection at Good Vibrations.

I've mentioned two of several woman-friendly sex shops that offer trustworthy educational resources as well as sex toys, lubricants, and other products that solve many of the problems we face at our age. Both Good Vibrations and A Woman's Touch have both brick-and-mortar and online stores staffed with people who know how to advise us (at all ages) and care about our comfort and pleasure. (No sleaze, dark corners, or sticky floors, in case that's what you pictured when you thought "toy shop.")

Straight Woman Loves Gay Romance

I was surprised and delighted to find Best Gay Romance 2009, ed. Richard Labonté, Cleis Press , an absolute pleasure to read, and more stimulating to me – a straight woman – than most heterosexual erotica.

Partly it’s the romance aspect – the stories and characters are gentle, sweet, and very sexy – and because the whole book is men, men, men. Each story has at least two sexy, loving men who get aroused and naked together, which for me was delicious, fantasy voyeurism.

Each story even offers an interesting plot -- not just a rush to the genitals -- and non-stereotypical characters. Several are even our age, though most are young. The stories are tender and erotic without being the least bit raw, rough, or sleazy. I lapped it up (so to speak).

As my readers know, I lost my beloved husband last summer. I’ve been sexually hibernating since then (while continuing to think and write about sex, as you know). Believe it or not, Best Gay Romance got my sparks sparking again, at least within the cocoon of fantasy.

I wrote to Richard Labonté, editor of the series, about this, and he wrote back:

I’m so happy to hear that the collection helped get your "juices flowing." I’m not surprised, though - in my A Different Light days (I helped open this still-extant gay bookstore in Los Angeles in 1979), I sold a lot of gay male romances, especially early Alyson titles (way before the Best Gay Romance days) to straight women. I particularly recall a group of six or so women, age range early 30s to late 40s I’m guessing, who would come into the original ADL store in Los Angeles in the '80s every two months or so and buy everything new since their last visit, often four or five books each, not always the same titles (I’m sure they also shared). Like you, they appreciated the erotic (but not too erotic) male content.

Read more of my sex and/or aging book reviews and author interviews here.

Valentine's Day without Robert

My first Valentine's Day since Robert died seemed to be going unexpectedly well -- a deep and stimulating phone conversation with a close friend, time alone reading and dancing in my exercise room, dinner out with a dear and delightful woman pal, excitement about feeling my life force emerging strongly.

Then I came home. Alone. Lit a candle. And started to cry.

I remembered Robert lighting a candle in the same candleholder I was using. I saw his dear hand lighting it, the hand that would touch me soon. I heard his soft voice, saw his smile. I wrote in my journal memories of seven years of Valentine's Days, especially the languid afternoons making love as daylight turned to evening and to night. Finally, even the candle would burn down, flicker, and go out as we held each other and continued to kiss in the dark.

Tears streaming, voice wailing, I put down my journal and picked up a book of poetry, American Primitive by Mary Oliver. A friend, Uta, had given it to me on Robert's birthday, 4-1/2 months after he died, with this inscription:

Dear Joanie,
She is one of Robert's favorite contemporary poets.
You are very special to me and when you read in this little book, Robert will be with you. He loves you very much.

I read the book as if for the first time, nature imagery delighting me, then phrases like "loss leans like a broken tree" spearing my heart.

I had to put down the book when I read this:

...Now you are dead too, and I, no longer young,
know what a kiss is worth.

(photos by Robert's son Mitch Rice)

Best Sex Writing 2009: book review

Two new books by Cleis Press have enthralled me lately, and they couldn’t be more different, as sex books go. One is nonfiction, literary in a pop culture kind of way, and the other is gay male romantic erotica. I love both books. I’ll review the first here, and the other in a separate post.


Best Sex Writing 2009, ed. Rachel Kramer Bussel, selected and introduced by Brian Alexander: This nonfiction anthology presents lively, intriguing essays and memoirs from professional journalists, culture critics, bloggers, and sex workers. Who can resist, for example, essays titled “Is Cybersex Cheating,” “Sex Dolls for the Twenty-First Century,” "Oldest Profession 2.0," and “Penises I Have Known”? I had a great time investigating the meaning of “silver-balling” and the background of “Dutch wives,” and laughing my way through a college boy's dilemma as he fumbled to stay hard to lose his virginity with an ex-girlfriend.

I find the cover photo, however, misleading in its eroticism: a mostly-naked woman’s third finger disappearing into the shadow between her parted legs. Finding this book in a bookstore, you’d expect it to be erotica, but it isn’t. I’d call it a collection of contemporary journalism and personal essays. Of course your thoughts may turn erotic – depending on what rings your bell, from bathroom sex, doll descriptions, penis comparisons, or church-sanctified quickies (“absolutely okay with God”).

I always look forward to this annual anthology. As reviewer Kevin Killian said, it’s "like a whole issue of The New Yorker if The New Yorker gave any attention to sex." Thank you, Cleis Press!

Read more of my sex and/or aging book reviews and author interviews here.

Six Months after Robert's Death

I've written about losing Robert to multiple myeloma last August and taken you with me on many of my steps forward. I return today, six months after Robert's death, to check in with you again. You have been marvelous, posting comments here and emailing me privately with your warm messages and your stories.

If you're a new blog reader, I'll update you briefly. Yes, this blog is -- almost all of the time -- about sex and aging. The reason I wrote Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty and started this blog was because I found great love in later life -- I was 57 and Robert was 64 when we met. My work changed from writing about health & fitness to writing and speaking about sex after 60. I decided to face full-on and speak out loud against our society's stereotype of older-age sex/love/dating as unseemly and icky.

Robert and I had seven years together from first kiss to last and I still feel him with me, especially when I teach my line dance class, where we met and where we continued to dance.

I'm dedicating whatever it takes to the process of grieving and moving through grief. Here are some of the tools and helpers I've found since I last wrote Discoveries Helping Me Move Through Grief three months ago. In case this helps you or lets you help someone else, I share them with you:

I've learned plenty from the counselors from both Hospice (Rick Hobbs) and Kaiser (Connie Kellogg) and although sometimes I entered their quiet rooms thinking I'd never stop crying, they accepted me with compassion and skillfully taught me ways to cope.

I took an amazing full-day workshop from Joe Hanson, author of Soaring Into Acceptance (available from the author). Among many gifts of that day, I was able to change my one-sentence "story" from "I lost the love of my life, and my life is and will be empty without him," to "I found the love of my life and learned how to experience love fully, and I take this with me on my path." (Joe will be repeating this valuable workshop, "The Power of Acceptance," on Saturday, Feb. 28, 2009, in Larkspur, CA, near San Francisco. I heartily recommend it.)

I'm in a Hospice spousal bereavement group. The best part is getting to know other people who experienced the same kind of loss at roughly the same time. Because of the confidentiality of the group, I can't disclose much about it, except that it's helping me move forward. I recommend taking advantage of everything Hospice has to offer.

I've continued to reach out to loved ones and to new friends and welcome them into my heart. Being close to people who understand me balances my need for a lot of solitude. Extending help to others who need it balances the help I need to accept from others.

Each month gets a little easier.

Yes, I'll write that next book. Writing still brings me joy, and I'm no less committed to the mission I've established here. For now, I'll continue to indulge in short spurts of writing and when I'm ready, I'll take on the book I've been planning for more than a year.

Thank you for your compassion and confidences. Keep those comments and emails coming, even if I'm not as quick to answer as you came to expect.

Warmly,
Joan

Guide To Getting It On: best sex "manual" ever!

I love the new Guide To Getting It On, 6th Edition, by Paul Joannides, Psy.D., illustrated by Daerick Gross, Sr. At 992 pages, it may be the biggest, most up to date, and most comprehensive sex manual you'll find for adults of all ages --and in my view, it's also the best.

You'll learn plenty, even if you think you know it all, and the warm, friendly, often funny style will keep you reading even after you've sated your curiosity about some topic or other. Even the Table of Contents is worth reading carefully, with titles such as "Orgasms, Sunsets & Hand Grenades"; "Balls, Balls, Balls"; "Oral Sex -- Penises & Popsicles"; "Oral Sex -- Vulvas & Honeypots"; "Fun With Your Foreskin"; "Techno Breasts & Weenie Angst"; and "Kink in the Animal Kingdom."

At first, I was disappointed that there was no specific chapter about senior/elder sex and just sporadic mentions of older age at all (such as brief sections on menopause and "The Couch-Potato Penis"). But the more I read, the happier I became that Joannides includes our age group as part of the big whole of humanity, not compartmentalizing us as needing extra delicacy or cheerleading. There's a marvelous illustration of a couple maybe in their eighties, both leaning on walkers and kissing fervently, a former edition of the book propped in front of each of them. The chapter is about kissing -- not about elder kissing, just about kissing. How refreshing!

Of course there are chapters that we of a certain age don't need any more (except to leave strategically for our grandchildren) about first times, birth control, "what's inside a girl," and so on. But, my goodness, even with my knowledge and jaded experience, I learned a heap of fascinating facts about sex through the ages, the evolution of underwear, sex in cyberspace, various kinks, even the sex history of Barbie dolls (really -- you've got to read about Cock-Ring Ken!).

Thank you, Paul Joannides, for such a fresh, funny, and fascinating look at our world of sex. Highly recommended!

Check out Guide To Getting It On from Goofy Foot Press or Amazon.

Can Men be Attracted to Gravity-Challenged Breasts?

I was interviewed recently by Sarah Hampson about Boomer sex and dating for Canada's Globe and Mail. The article, "Boomers, it's a brave new sexual world," appeared 1/15/09 and has attracted many reader comments, mostly people objecting to the tone or examples in the article, and several exhibiting the "ick factor," as I call it -- such as these examples:

• I don't really want to hear about people my parents age having sex.
• Geriatric sex is just nasty. Back in the closet Woodstock.
• Please go have your "old-person" sex somewhere else, but for everyone's sake do it quietly.
• I am now canceling my subscription to the Globe and Mail.

A quote from me in the article, "A man is attracted to you because he is attracted to you, not the shape of your breasts," led to this comment from a reader:

This woman expert is clearly out to lunch on this one ... discounts the physical part of attraction altogether, which for man is probably at least 50/50 with personality. The shape of a woman's breasts are definitely part of the attraction package.

I had to respond:

Actually, I'm not discounting the physical part of attraction at all. What I am discounting is the notion that only a youthful appearance can be attractive. We ARE attractive and sexy even if our breasts are susceptible to gravity over time. My wonderful husband always exclaimed that he was stunned by the beauty of my far-from-perky breasts. Let's just get over the youth orientation of what our society and the media label beautiful and/or sexy....

Then I had to laugh at the follow-up comment from another reader:

Your husband is also biased. Do you honestly think a husband is going to tell his wife he prefers the firm, perky breasts of a 20 y/o. No...he just dreams about them.

This amused me because as much as "the firm, perky breasts of a 20 y/o" fit society's image as beautiful, and I never begrudged Robert any pleasure or fantasy he might have enjoyed when seeing (or imagining) a young woman's cleavage, Robert was not wishing that I had breasts (or face, or feet, or hair) that were anything other than reality. He was an authentic man, and he valued authenticity in the woman he loved. He told me so, and proved it with his words, his caresses, and the delight in his eyes.

"A Powerdrill in Your Pants" -- Who wants that?

I get many spam emails advertising a bevy of erectile enhancement drugs and devices. I delete them without reading them. Today one came through with a header promising "a powerdrill in your pants." Others tell me (thinking I'm a man, or not caring who I am) that my woman will love being pounded, plundered, and otherwise assaulted with a huge tool.

Who actually believes -- and buys! -- this stuff? Is there a man alive who really thinks we women erupt in orgasms over a "powerdrill" of a penis? Ewwww. Even the thought is painful. Has anyone today -- male or female -- missed the message that a woman's pleasure center is her brain, number one, and her clitoris, number two. A powerdrill in the vagina doesn't set off either one of these. I wouldn't even insert an electric toothbrush. (Now a made-for-the-task vibrator, that's another story. But more on that another time.)

And while I'm questioning the sexual messages that bombard us, have you noticed that every time a couple on television get excited enough to start shedding clothing, they rip clothes off each other and often start having intercourse on the floor, or on a narrow couch, or against the wall, anywhere other than the comfort of a bed. And forget foreplay. Just get to it.

Even when I was young and quick to arouse, I chose comfort, slow arousal, and leisurely sex. Am I the only woman who never had sex against a wall, and who never wanted to? Or is this just one more example of how media sex is disconnected from real sex?

Are we teaching our young people that this is the way we like and expect to be treated? Shudder.

I welcome your comments!

Prayers for Bobby on Lifetime TV

At age 61, prizewinning journalist Leroy Aarons discovered the true story of Bobby Griffith, a story so gripping that he devoted himself to retelling this story in novel form.


His book, Prayers for Bobby, has inspired a movie premiering on Lifetime TV, Saturday, January 24, 2009. It is the riveting true story of teenager Bobby Griffith, who back-flipped off a freeway overpass into the path of a tractor trailer at age 20 because he could not accept his homosexuality. Prayers for Bobby chronicles Bobby’s angst at growing up gay in a fundamentalist Christian family and an anti-homosexual social and school environment. Aarons gently and lovingly pieces together Bobby’s life, fears, hopes and, finally, hopelessness, with the help of the five year diary he left, his legacy.

Prayers for Bobby (subtitle: A Mother’s Coming to Terms with the Suicide of Her Gay Son) is also the story of Mary Griffith, Bobby’s mother, played by Sigourney Weaver in the Lifetime movie. A staunch, one-tracked fundamentalist, Mary was convinced that if she and Bobby just prayed enough, and if Bobby tried hard enough, God would cure him of his homosexuality. She prayed, she nagged Bobby relentlessly, she shamed him, she put Bible quotes on the mirror for him to see when he wakened. Too late, Mary finally realized with a thunderbolt of insight that the reason God had refused to cure Bobby was that there was nothing wrong with him.


What does this have to do with our age group? Plenty. Think about how we had to discover our own sexual and sensual natures despite the mores of our restrictive society in an era that condemned what seemed our most natural feelings and desires. Imagine being trapped in a world that didn't understand you at a time you couldn't even understand yourself. And reach out.


If you think you don't know any closeted gay teenagers, it's only because they are closeted. Maybe your "Bobby" is your grandson, or your granddaughter's best friend, or the neighbor kid, or the quiet boy at church. We've learned a lot about life and about sexuality in the decades we've been living on this earth, and part of it is to accept ourselves and open ourselves to younger folks who might need a role model, a listening ear, and a warm "so good to see you today."


Please see the movie, and read the book, which goes into much more detail and will haunt you in a beautiful way.


I am proud that I knew Leroy Aarons until his death four years ago, called him my friend Roy, and still enjoy a close friendship with Joshua Boneh, his surviving spouse. Please check out the website that Joshua and Roy's friends have constructed in Roy's memory and to celebrate the movie that he always hoped would be made about his book.


(photo of Leroy Aarons and Joshua Boneh)

Rita Rudner: Funny and Frothy

With a title like I Still Have It... I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething by Rita Rudner, I expected a laugh-filled and -- I hoped! -- spicy look at aging.

The essay collection is funny, but most are unrelated to aging (except with a 50-something's perspective) and there's nothing you wouldn't want your grandkids or minister to see you reading.


My biggest chuckles came from the one-liners, like these:

I bought a new wrinkle cream. If you use it once a day, you look younger in a month. Twice a day, you look younger in two weeks. I ate it.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I have a new push-up bra. It's an underwire made of this special new metal that's attracted to the fillings in my teeth.

Nothing hilarious, but entertaining in a light, frothy way. Let's see what she writes at sixty!