"I wish I had used condoms!"

My new book, Naked at Our Age, is filled with real stories from real seniors and elders about their sexual experiences, challenges, and attitudes.

For my Safe Sex chapter, I have several stories from seniors who are dating and having sex, don't use barrier protection and don't think they need to. I have other stories from seniors who are dating and use condoms every time with every new sexual partner.

I need to hear from people age 50-80+ who didn't use condoms and now wish they had. Maybe they had sex with someone who was dishonest about revealing sexual history, STIs, HIV status. Or they didn't ask, the partner didn't tell, and now they've contracted HIV, herpes, or some other STI. Maybe they've unknowingly infected other partners. 

If you're willing to share your story confidentially in order to help other people who think that safe sex isn't important for seniors, please email me. Thank you!

-- Joan Price

Valentine's Day Gift Guide, pt. 1: Favorite Books

Since I started this blog in November 2005, I've written 350 blog posts, including 43 book reviews, and 20 vibrator reviews. Valentine's Day is coming in a week -- which, in my view, is for celebrating our capacity for love and passion, whether we're partnered right now or not.

In this post are a few of my favorites among the books I've reviewed, with links to my original review.  Some of these books are spicy and explicit, others are subtle enough to leave on view if you're expecting company, and some are so informative that you'll want to talk about them at the water cooler.

Tomorrow I'll post some favorite sex toys!

Spicy and/or informative books:

Autumn Romance: Stories and Portraits of Love after 50 by Carol Denker: A beautiful coffee-table book with stories and photos of later-life romances.

X: The Erotic Treasury: 40 Sexy Stories ed.Susie Bright. Explicit, edgy, hardcore, and beautifully bound.

Best Women's Erotica 2010 & other books from Cleis Press. If you want books with explicit sex -- maybe a special preference or kink -- check out Cleis.


Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach. Entertaining and informative, filled with the weirdness of both the procedures and findings of sex research.

Getting Naked Again: Dating, Romance, Sex, and Love When You’ve Been Divorced, Widowed, Dumped, or Distracted by Judith Sills. The subtitle says it all!


Rescue Me, He's Wearing a Moose Hat: And 40 Other Dates After 50 by Sherry Halperin. Come on, we have to keep a sense of humor about this dating stuff -- and Halperin does.


Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, my own book of my love story with Robert, celebrating the joys and addressing the challenges of senior sexuality.



Read more of my book reviews here.

Finding Love in Later Life

When Carol Denker interviewed me for her magnificent Autumn Romance, she started with this prelimary questionnaire. I came across it today and wanted to share it with you, as Valentine's Day approaches:


CD: What advice would you give to individuals over 50 who are looking for love?

JP: Participate in social activities that you love, and you’ll meet people with similar passions. In my case, I loved line dancing -- in fact, I taught line dancing.

Friends told me, “You’ll never meet a man line dancing!” It was true that 90+% of line dancers are women, but one evening a magnificent white-haired man came to my class. When he turned his ocean-blue eyes my way, I had to remember to breathe. When he started to dance, his movements revealed a lifetime of dance training

That was how I met Robert Rice, the love of my life, a man who happened to be looking for a new place to dance in December 2000.


CD: What have you learned about love from this relationship?

JP: I had no idea how deeply I could love and how precious later-life love could be. We seemed very different at first, and both of us were fiercely independent and – we thought! – unwilling to change at this stage of life to suit another person’s needs or expectations.

But I learned that the ways I needed to change to be bonded to Robert were exactly the ways I wanted to grow – and he learned the same.

We were so in love that our differences stopped mattering, and then all but disappeared, as we learned from each other and grew together in love.

When Robert was sick and on his journey to death, I learned how selflessly I was capable of loving. I learned to be less demanding and more giving. I learned to savor every moment, knowing we were on borrowed time. All that mattered was how precious he was and doing all I could to make his last months, weeks, days as comfortable, peaceful, and love-filled as I could.

Near the end, we learned to say “I love you” through squeezing each other’s hand. When I touched his chest softly and he murmured in response, we were making love.

Pelvic Floor Relaxation: Advice from A Woman's Touch

As I write Naked at Our Age, I'm awed by the level of candor from the real people who have agreed to share their stories and the generosity of the experts who are contributing solid, helpful tips that address the problems and concerns you've sent me.

The book will come out in Spring 2011, which I realize is a long wait for those of you who are experiencing challenges now that are preventing you from thoroughly enjoying your senior sexuality. Since my mission is to help you, I want to share something that I learned from Ellen Barnard, MSSW, because you might need this information --as I did -- before the book comes out.

I wrote Ellen for personal advice -- I was startled and dismayed to discover that I was unable to insert the Teneo Smartballs comfortably -- something that would have been easy before my self-imposed, long period of celibacy following Robert's death. "I’m aghast that I’ve let this happen to me," I told her.

Here is an excerpt from her compassionate and helpful reply, which I hope will open your eyes, as it did mine:

Oh, please don't be upset - there are many women of all ages who find them to be too wide to insert comfortably unless they are very aroused. Despite the information around them, they really are not intended to be used without arousal and a lot of lubrication first.

It's not really about stretching the entrance to your vagina. The issue is how tight and how flexible the pelvic floor muscles are at the opening of your vagina. After menopause, it gets more difficult for the pelvic floor to relax unless you regularly practice doing so. Arousal helps with relaxation of the pelvic floor, thus allowing you to insert something inside your vagina comfortably, but after menopause it often takes a conscious relaxation effort in addition to significant massage for arousal.

So your task is to learn how to better relax those muscles and do so as you insert gradually wider toys.  Don't "push" against those muscles - that doesn't work, and actually causes them to tighten further. Instead, either gently slip a finger alongside your favorite toy once you are fully aroused, taking a deep belly breath and once you feel the opening relax, slip the finger inside, or take a tapered toy and insert it deeper as you breath deeply and feel the vaginal opening relax.

It's worth going to our site and downloading our revised Vaginal Renewal and Pelvic Floor Health booklets (see links under "Educational Brochures") - we address the issue of a tight pelvic floor in both of them. 

Ellen Barnard is a sex educator and counselor who believes we all deserve delightful, healthy sex lives for as long as we live. She consults on the topics of aging and sexuality, cancer and sexuality, and facilitating intimacy at the end of life. She is also the co-owner of A Woman's Touch Sexuality Resource Center.


Visit A Woman's Touch for "expertise in sexual health and pleasure."

Elise & Form 2 & Jollie from Kama Sutra Closet

Thank you, Roylin at Kama Sutra Closet, for sending me three  new toys to review: LELO Elise, Jimmyjane Form 2, and  the polka dot Jollie Dildo.

Although I usually review each new toy in a separate review, it's getting close to Valentine's Day, and I have several toys still in the queue -- what's a busy gal to do? 

I don't want to make you wait to learn about one that might turn out to be your favorite, so I'm combining three here. That does not mean you're supposed to use them simultaneously!

LELO ELISE: LELO makes extraordinary products -- elegant, functional, sleek, quiet, high-quality materials and design, altogether fabulous. The Elise is amazing -- already one of my favorite toys.  It can be used either clitorally or vaginally, and the intensity is really strong -- just what the doctor ordered.

The end vibrates separately from the stem, and you can adjust the vibrations to sync together, or operate differently. I liked that it was really strong (I know, I said that, but it bears repeating in my world!), easy to hold and operate, and oh, so nice to feel. 


Like other LELO pleasure toys, the Elise charges while you're not using it, so it's cordless and batteryless while in use -- very convenient. You can also lock it when you're not using it so it can't turn on accidentally. (I used to think this was a frivolous feature until I used another toy that kept turning itself on.) 

This luxury toy is easily worth the investment -- you'll want to use it regularly, I'd bet!


JIMMYJANE FORM 2: The Form 2 from luxury sex toy designer Jimmyjane is an odd looking creature, sort of a cross between a rabbit head and a tuning fork. It's a tiny thing, but oh so strong, vibrationally! It charges, then doesn't need cord or battery when in use, and it's -- ta da! -- waterproof for intimate moments in the tub.

 The two "ears" each have a motor in the tip that vibrates intensely, and depending on how you place them, you can get your clitoris or labia or everything vibrating madly.

I confess that I thought I'd like this more than I did.The ears are somewhat flexible, so supposedly you can squeeze them to cuddle the clitoris. 

I say "supposedly," because in my experience, it was too difficult to hold the ears squeezed together. Left in the original position, they weren't the ideal distance apart for my dimensions. This toy is a great idea and could be perfect for you, though it's not my favorite.

JOLLIE DILDO: This polka dot sea creature is so cute you'll want to show your friends. It's a silicone dildo, not a vibrator (the movement is up to you). It's anatomically shaped, the manufacturer says, "from molds of actual women."

I'm sad to say that those women were able to accomodate toys larger than I can, so I can only review the first -- thoroughly enjoyable -- inch and a half of this dildo. Then it expands too much for me -- to a 6-inch circumference, which is close to two inches in diameter.

If you're larger than I am -- and I can only assume that most women are -- and you like the feeling of a full vagina, this toy has everything you could want. For me, could they make a Jollie Junior, please?

Thank you again, Kama Sutra Closet, for a delightfully sensuous diversion from writing my book on this rainy afternoon!

Newsflash! Kama Sutra Closet is offering my readers a 15% discount on all orders. Enter code Better15.

The Clitoris, Revealed

"It’s practically a little penis under that hood," a 50-something-year-old writer who calls herself "jujuridl" describes the clitoris in "Female Anatomy 101," an informative blog post on MiddlesexMD. Take a look at this diagram of the complete structure of the clitoris, showing what goes on under the hood, literally.

Those of us in touch with our clitoris -- literally and figuratively -- know that the sensation isn't just in the little nub that's visible (the glans) -- the whole surrounding area is sensitive and sensational. That's because the clitoris and its thousands of nerve endings extend far and wide beneath the surface.

The clitoris is the only part of the human body that has no function other than giving pleasure. Women who have lost sensitivity due to aging and hormonal changes might experiment with self-touch, partner-touch, and/or vibrator-touch using pressure all around the visible part of the clitoris, not just directly on the glans. As you see from the diagram, there's quite an area to explore!

 MiddlesexMD was created by for women over 40 by Dr. Barb DePree, M.D., a women’s health provider and a menopause care specialist. Many of us are significantly over 40 and way past menopause, but DePree's information is plenty relevant to us -- and to those who love us.

In fact, is there someone in your life who might understand better how to touch you by seeing this blog post?

Sex words in your dictionary?

The Internet is abuzz with a story from The Press-Enterprise about the Menifee school district in Riverside County CA, which has banned the dictionary because it has an entry about "oral sex."

I'm not kidding! Here's an excerpt from the newspaper's Menifee local news:

After a parent complained about an elementary school student stumbling across "oral sex" in a classroom dictionary, Menifee Union School District officials decided to pull Merriam Webster's 10th edition from all school shelves earlier this week.


School officials will review the dictionary to decide if it should be permanently banned because of the "sexually graphic" entry, said district spokeswoman Betti Cadmus. The dictionaries were initially purchased a few years ago for fourth- and fifth-grade classrooms districtwide, according to a memo to the superintendent.

"It's just not age appropriate," said Cadmus, adding that this is the first time a book has been removed from classrooms throughout the district.

There are so many things we could discuss here that my mind is reeling. But let's look at this from the perspective of those of us who had a heck of time getting accurate, meaningful information about sex when we were growing up.

Did we look in the dictionary? Of course! Did we find anything? Nada. "Clitoris" wasn't even in the dictionary or in any part of my sex education. I didn't know I had one -- or, for that matter, how to have an orgasm -- until a fellow college student named Alan showed me what he had learned with a previous girlfriend.

Do children look up sex words? You bet they do -- didn't we? Should children be able to look up "clitoris" or "oral sex" or whatever other permutation of sex or street name for a sexual act that interests them? 

Of course they should! How are we even needing to discuss this in 2010? Of course the dictionary can't be the complete resource, especially as children become teenagers. Thank goodness books like The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides exist.

Here's a job for you -- grab your printed dictionary, old or new, and look up a few sex terms. Comment here to tell me what dictionary you used, its edition or publication date, what words you looked up, and what you found.

(Thank you, Carnal Nation, where I read this story first.)

Joan's Upcoming Events

I'd love to meet you in person! Here is my Valentine's Day upcoming event. If you are involved with an event or organization and you are interested in having me speak to your group, please email me. See more information about my aging & sexuality talks here. (I also speak about fitness -- more information here.)

Sunday, February 14, 2010, Joan Price is one of the Storytime for Grownups presenters at Valentine's Day Redux: More True Tales of Love and Romance. Each of our storytellers has a bit of personal history, and they are looking forward to sharing it with you.The Sebastopol Center for the Arts - Main Gallery, 6780 Depot Street, Sebastopol, CA. Doors open at 7:00. Storytelling begins at 7:30.

 
(schedule updated 1/24/10)

A Single Man

A Single Man is a stunning, moving, unforgettable film. Most of the action is psychological and internal, the turmoil of the main character, George Falconer, a 52-year-old British college professor in Los Angeles, played brilliantly by Colin Firth. Jim, George's lover of 16 years, has just died, and George's grief must stay as closeted as his sexual orientation. It's 1962.

The film opens with George coming upon the lifeless body of Jim in the snow beside the car wreck that killed him. George kisses Jim's cold lips softly, and the camera lingers on Jim's vacant eyes. We learn later that this scene is fantasy -- not only did George never see the dead body of his lover, he wasn't permitted to attend the funeral, which was "only for family."

George and Jim had been a committed couple for 16 years. Despite the constant reminders that this was 1962 -- the Cuban crisis, the fashions and hair styles, the cars -- I couldn't help comparing the mores of the times with today's. Although George would not have to be closeted today at work or socially, he still would not have been permitted to marry Jim in most states -- including mine, California (the passage of Prop. 8 is a fact I still find unbelievable).  Jim's family still could have held his funeral without George.

A Single Man takes place over the course of one day, supplemented by flashbacks.George is planning his suicide as neatly as he has lived his life: He sets out the suit he wants to be buried in, writes letters to the few people in his life who matter, cleans out his office, buys ammunition for a gun, and experiments with different positions for doing the deed.

Life interferes with his plans -- people, really, but I dont want to reveal more. I've read several reviews, and I have to warn you that although the reviewers avoid spoiling the ending, the online commenters have no such compunction. I advise you to see the movie before learning how it ends.

Although this is clearly Colin Firth's movie, other actors deserve recognition: Julianne Moore who plays Charley, his best friend, who is still trying after all these years to get him in bed again (they tried it, before Jim); Matthew Goode, the appealing Jim in flashbacks; Nicholas Hoult, a beautiful young man, a student of George's who yearns to connect with George.

A Single Man was directed and co-written by  Tom Ford and was based on the novel by Christopher Isherwood, which I'm now eager to read.

If you're looking for fast action and flashy scenes, A Single Man isn't for you. It's a film for people who are willing to watch, absorb, listen, and feel. I loved it.


View the trailer:

Autumn Romance: Stories and Portraits of Love after 50

Carol Denker had been a middle-class wife, mother and therapist, who lost herself in her forties, becoming addicted to tranquilizers, unemployed, and, finally, homeless. In her fifties she faced her demons and turned around her life: she got clean, worked as a reporter and then editor, and bought a home.

Then at 62, she met Warren, the love of her life.  Now she celebrates elder love with her gorgeous book,  Autumn Romance: Stories and Portraits of Love after 50.

Autumn Romance was a labor of love for Carol, who traveled for three years interviewing and photographing 29 senior couples whose lives had been transformed by love, then writing their stories.

Some met when they were young, lost each other, and reunited. Most didn't meet until later life. Some were married to other people when they met, others had been alone for years. They met in all sorts of ways -- speed dating, at work, volunteering, online dating, on an airplane, in a class, line dancing.

Yes, line dancing. Two couples met this way -- Robert and I were one of those couples. I'd love this book just as much if Robert and I weren't in it, but seeing our photos and our quotes makes the book even more special. 

Autumn Romance is a hardcover, coffee-table quality book that you'll be proud to leave on display. The photos by 16 photographers (including Robert's son, Mitch Rice, who took our photos) highlight the diversity and glowing love of elder couples. See some of them here. It would make a beautiful Valentine's Day gift for yourself, your lover/spouse/friends, and any older-age couples you know. Order here.



Thank you, Carol Denker, for bringing these entrancing and inspiring stories to us.

2/1/10 Update: Autumn Love: free shipping in February! Carol Denker writes to our readers, "I would love to send you a copy of Autumn Romance for Valentine’s Day with no shipping or handling charges. And happy to send you the special link to buy a second book at half price, so you can say ‘I love you’ to someone else."